'Tis the season

Well, It's been awhile. Thanksgiving was fun! We made our own dinner and just enjoyed stuffing our faces. Then we went to a friend's house for desert and that was really nice. It was nice and relaxing and it was great to spend the time with Kasey. It was definitely different from last year when we had three dinners to go to in the same day. Don't get me wrong, we miss family, but it was nice to not have to rush to eat or rush to and from houses! It will be different once again next year when we're back in Utah again.

This Christmas is going to be the same. We already have everything bought, wrapped, ad under the Christmas tree. It's so tempting to shake everything to see if I can guess what everything is. I can not WAIT for Kasey to open everything. I sure hope he likes it all.

My last day at work was Black Friday. I even was told to leave early. It feels weird not working. It definitely did make me appreciate being a stay at home wife more. I even have been making dinners a lot more. Well, lately it's been slacking, but I'll pick it up haha But I also feel like I should have stuck it out for another paycheck or two. It would have helped with money a little. We're making everything work like we knew we could, it's just stressing, especially while trying to do all the Christmas stuff. I just don't think I could have lasted longer there anyway, especially since they started cutting back hours pretty bad and it would not have been worth it money wise to stay anyway.

I'll be back in Utah on January 7th at 1:30-ish. It feels weird, since it's in like two and a half weeks. I can't believe we've been here a year. It's like time flew but it also took forever to pass. I'm excited but I'm also sad. Kasey won't be here for my birthday again. And we won't see each other until the very end of March. I know we've gone longer, but when you've been with your best friend straight for a year, it's hard to be away. At least I'll be near family and friends.

Another thing that is really sad is that we are on month 15 of trying to conceive and once again, it hasn't happened. It's frustrating. Everyone I know is already on their second baby. It's hard. Analysis came back on Kasey and he's good, so it just makes me feel more and more like it's my fault. It doesn't help that I have been have such crappy luck and experiences with my doctors. I really need someone who cares about what we want and actually cares to help us sustain a pregnancy. So basically we're just going to have to stop and then pick it up again at the end of March. I can see how maybe a break can help, but the thyroid, pcos, and endometriosis isn't getting any better. It's upsetting. I can't say it enough or really put into words how discouraging it really is.

But anyhoo, I'll be back in a few weeks time and it will be nice to see some of you.

Operation Move Tabitha Home

As the header reads, the operation has begun. Sort of. It's mostly in talks and we're trying to plan everything out like dates and all that and just the more we plan, the more daunting and hard everything becomes.

I put in my three weeks notice for my job. Three weeks because I want to be able to help train whoever is going to be taking over my job. May the odds be ever in their favor. And also to get a couple more paychecks to try and save up as much money as possible. 

With Christmas and the move coming up, it's going to be so tight since I still need to find a job in Utah. A good job that will help with bills. We won't be able to both have an apartment, thats two rent bills, two cable bills, two electric bills, etc. And then trying to bring Yzzy back with me, that would probably be more money for the flight home and we'll have to get her shots, which is another vet bill. Everything is stacking up.

I realize it was my choice to put in my three weeks already when we're looking for a flight in January for me. But my reasons make sense to Kasey and I and that's all that matters. We realize that money is going to be super tight and we will just have to figure stuff out, but this is what we decided. Having a family is important to us. We have been trying for thirteen plus months and my stress with my job is affecting my health. And our happiness at home. Yes, we also realize that most jobs are going to be like that. But we also know what is important to us. We feel it is also smarter to have me move home so I can try and get a job there and set some stuff up there. So I want to be able to spend time with my husband during the holidays and being the Video Manager with basically no one in my department means that I would not be allowed to spend that time with him before I left. Yes, we have gone through a deployment and being in different continents and for a longer amount of time. But that just makes me want to spend even more time with my husband.

It would be super helpful if the people who owed us money would pay us back. That could take care of a couple of car payments. Or a flight back and a car payment, at least! But we don't see that happening.

When I move back, I will be jobless and carless. I may or may not be bringing our cat back with me. I'll probably have a suitcase or two of clothes and that's it. Any help, any help at all, would be greatly appreciated. We aren't asking or expecting the world. Just some support and help through this hard time. 

We know we have more than some people. Right now we both have a job at the moment, two vehicles at the moment, and a roof over our head, at the moment. But soon we wont have that. But the most important thing is we have each other.

Metamorphosis

I need an attitude adjustment. Kasey told me this yesterday. And has said it more than once. And it's true. I'm tired of being tired and grumpy or mopey or depressed or sore. I could go on. I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was and it's no surprise to anyone that I can't stand Clarksville. I can't stand the people here. And I can't stand the doctor that I have.

Thankfully the doctor situation has changed! I tried so hard to get a new doctor and it's finally happened. My first appointment with him is on Thursday. I don't have high hopes since I feel extremely disappointed in my care here so far, so maybe I'll be surprised. I definitely will speak my mind and tell him exactly what I want. 

I've been extremely over stressed and exhausted lately. It's making my body hurt really bad. Thankfully I haven't had a cold though. Normally this happens when I'm the least bit stressed out, but I think I'm way passed that and don't have time for it. Work has been insane. I am the Video Manager but there is nobody in my department and I can't keep being expected to do everything myself. By the time I get home, once I sit down, I can't get up for a while because I feel like my muscles give out on me and just stop working. This week has been especially bad. I'm trying my best to push through it.

I definitely feel like this stress is a factor in why we aren't getting pregnant still. Last cycle I swear I had an extremely light light light positive, but that didn't pan out. I worry that my progesterone is too low and it's making my uterus a hostile place to be haha It's so frustrating. I am hoping this doctor can help out with this. The other doctor was basically helping me get pregnant but wasn't helping me sustain the pregnancy. It's a lot of stress, heartbreak, and waisted energy. 

But we're trying to move forward. No point on dwelling on the past, because it's not gonna make anything better. 

We're starting to plan moving back to Utah. We haven't got anything down, it's just more of discussions first. The main thing that keeps coming up is sending me home a little early to try and find a job and set things up for when Kasey can move back. No matter what, I want to make that trip back with Kasey, so if I need to fly back here then I will. I'm not sure where the money for that will come from though. Or to send me back to Utah in the first place. We're trying to save as much as we can for everything coming up including Christmas and it's hard.

I just think about coming home without Kasey and it's hard. I know it sounds weak and I have been without him a LOT longer than a few months, but since he's here, I feel it pointless to be away. Call me crazy, weak, I don't care. It's hard to be away from your soul mate for any amount of time. It causes my chest to tighten thinking about. 

I realize I have come extremely co-dependent, and I need to work on that. I also want to start working out. I just need the motivation to do it. But when my body is aching it makes me not want to move and to try and nap instead haha I'm hoping there will be a good job I can apply for and get some time in so I have time off to fly back here for a day or so to make that final trip home together.

I'm just feeling crazy lately and on edge and all over the place. I only hear from a few people and I have no friends here. I know I'm not a big drinker at all, especially now while trying to conceive and it's rather uncomfortable with ulcers, but I can have fun without drinking. I get frustrated and, as my sister would say, "emo" when I think that I surprisingly can't wait to move back to Utah, because it's just going to be the same there as it is here. But at least I'll be closer to family. At least I hear from them. 

Blah, now I'm being whiny. I don't know. I just guess it's nice to get my feelings out. I might as well drive you all crazy since I've already made Kasey nuts with my antics. I'm so thankful for him every day. 

The dog makes me crazy, and the cat is a little goofball. She tried to get in the bath with us last night and was trying to eat the bubbles. Kasey and I can't wait to get back and start looking at houses. It's exciting to think about. I think I just need to focus on all the good that I have and all the good that's to come. It will get better. Hopefully!

A New Dawn, A New Day, and I'm Feeling...

It's been a while since I've written. I was actually contemplating not writing anymore. After my last blog I had a falling out with a "friend". She said that what I wrote was inappropriate and called me a liar basically about my experience. I have said from the beginning that I don't want to offend anyone, but when I am talking about an experience that I have had and I am keeping family members back home in the loop of what's going on, then I am going to. This is my blog and you don't have to read it. 

Needless to say, it made me really hate living here even more for a while. She lives across the street. I could have been a push over and just been like, "oh I'm sorry" and begged her to be my friend and everything like I used to be, but I don't have time for that. I don't have time for people like that. I had to deal with it before, trying to please people and push my feelings and thoughts down inside to where I didn't have an opinion and I am just not that person anymore. I need friends to support me through the things I am going through. Not to doubt me, call me a liar, and act like a child. And I'm not trying to be mean or seem bitchy. I think it's just a valid opinion that I have. If you're not going to treat me with respect and help me when I have supported you, then don't expect to be a part of my journey anymore.

Trying to conceive has been hard. I have been remaining as positive as I can, but I am not going to lie, it is really hard and depressing. Especially when taking the tests and they keep turning up negative. I think today is kind of a down day. But that might also have to do with how exhausted I am from work. But I just feel like it's not going to happen and I have contemplated taking a break. But every time I think that, I change my mind right away. I don't want to be a quitter. We really want this. And since it's almost been a year of trying, who knows how much longer it will be? If we stop now, what if we have to start all over again and it takes even longer? There's no way we're giving up.

I will start another round of clomid tomorrow. I will be at 150mg and take that for 5 days. I plan on getting a new doctor, so I am thinking I'll call and see when I can be seen so when it gets to be around cycle day 23 or so I can still get my blood drawn to count my levels. we will get there eventually, but when I'm feeling a little down, it really seems like the endgame is very far off in the distance and it's hard to imagine not being able to give Kasey a baby. All you're love and support is greatly appreciated.

And let me be clear again, I am absolutely SO excited for all of my pregnant friends and family members. I'm super jealous, but I am so happy and excited for each and every one of you and I LOVE to hear all about it and what's going on because I am so looking forward to our turn.

Work has been so frustrating and I have been extremely busy. But I am basically the video manager now once the paperwork goes through! This is good news.

The pets are a huge pain in the butt but I love them. Chester is still growing and he's still lurpy. He's got probably at least another 30 pounds to grow too. Yzzy is SO spunky and weird. It makes me miss Nibs a lot. She is a completely different cat though. She's super crazy. She loves Kasey. She's laying on him now. They both have severe separation anxiety.

Kasey is good. It's looking like he probably won't deploy now and I am ecstatic. I have been feeling very reflective the last few days. I know I always spout of all the ooey gooey lovey dovey mushy crap, but hey, it's my blog remember? He has been extremely supportive and has kept me afloat. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like he doesn't understand and I get snippy, but he still loves me....I think ;)

I could always ramble more, but we finally are both off at a decent time and I just want some snuggles!

Complications and Moving Forward

Well, for those of you who have been asking about what's been going on and why I went to the hospital a few weeks ago, it's just easier to write it all on here. I am giving fair warning though, to those who may be squeamish or just don't care to hear about the female body, you may not want to read further. On that note, it's not that bad, but it's nice for fair warning for those who aren't interested in the subject.

On June 28th I woke up out of nowhere in excruciating pain. I was rather surprised by it at first and thought I was dreaming. That didn't last long as I started cramping even more in my lower abdomen. I sometimes sleep with my hand comfortably between my legs a little higher than the knee as its a comfort thing for my joints. My hand felt warm and slightly wet. I brought it closer to my face since, thanks to our wonderful curtains upstairs, there is no light coming through. It was covered in blood. I got up, as much as I didn't want to move, and blood was everywhere. I made my way into the bathroom to clean up, the whole time walking doubled over as there were constant sharp pains over and over again. 

I was contemplating what to do. When I wrote on here last, I said I had just finished a round of clomid the morning of my last post. That means I was cycle day 9. Cycle day 1 starts when your period starts. Most women can have an average 28 day plus cycle, so there was no way that I would be due for my period, especially since my thyroid issues and everything, my cycles had finally just started to come down to 'normal'. Except, what was considered my last period wasn't even a period to my standards, but I called my doctors office to make sure that I was supposed to start the clomid on the fifth cycle day and go from there. 

That's where it got a little tricky for me. My sister had taken clomid, and her doctor told her that your cycle day one is not when you're just spotting, which was barely what was happening with me.

I burst into tears. We all know I'm an emotional person, it's true, but it has been a LONG time since I have cried from physical pain. I can't even describe how bad I hurt, but, as cliche as it sounds, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I went and woke Kasey up just crying and crying telling him I didn't know what to do and how bad I hurt and that's when he said maybe we should go to the hospital. 

You know how sometimes pain can get better after awhile, like you're getting used to it, or when you know you're on your way to getting it fixed or getting answers, you feel a little better? Ya, that didn't happen for me. I cried the whole time: putting clothes on, getting in the car, driving on post, going through the id check, the long walk inside to the emergency department, sitting in the waiting room, going to take a urine sample. It was never ending pain and I just wanted a tiny bit of relief.

After I submitted my urine test, they put me in a room, and told me to change into a gown and someone would be with me shortly to help me. Not even five minutes later, someone came in. She was extremely rude by my standards as someone who felt like her insides were being ripped open , and said, "well you're not pregnant so we got you an appointment with your primary care doctor so you need to get changed and go over there because there's nothing here we can do for you."

So on top of hurting so bad, then I was completely livid and emotional on a whole other level. They were sending me away, rudely (I honestly can't remember all that she said but her demeanor was just ridiculous) and being told to sit in a waiting room. We walked over and waited to be seen. After about 25-30 minutes of being in the waiting room they called me back. I don't know how many times that morning I had to say I was at a level 10 pain. Then my primary care doctor came in (which Kasey pointed out, wasn't even a doctor, but a PA, not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that, because back in Utah I always saw the PA at the clinic I went to as I thought he was more thorough, but at this moment it just made me mad and frustrated). He did an exam on me. It was probably one of the more painful ones I've had too, especially since I hurt everywhere down there. He told me that my urine test was actually inconclusive and unable to determine whether I was pregnant, but that there was tissue. 

He said that it may have been another miscarriage, and I think it probably was as well since the last time with my possible miscarriage the pain was almost similar, except this time was worse, among other symptoms. Thankfully this time he decided to give me some lortab instead of naproxen like he did last time. He said there wasn't much he could do for me since he was not an OB and that I should call my OB. They didn't even run a blood test. I felt extremely put out to say the least. One of the bright things that happened that morning was that it's like the pharmacy gods were smiling down on us and there was no one in line when we arrived. It is never like that. I normally wait for at least an hour every time. We headed home and I called my OB. They didn't want me to come in, they didn't examine me, they didn't want to run a blood test. The nurse on the phone just said it sounded like a possible miscarriage and to not take the clomid this new cycle since I had just finished it not even a week before.

I remember last post saying how optimistic I felt about things and that I really felt like this was our month. It definitely felt like a slap in the face. We are really ready for our family. I feel so frustrated about this because I feel like it's my fault, like my body just always having something wrong with it. I am taking my medicine like I should, and I am taking my vitamins and the fertility drugs when I should, so why isn't it working?

To top it all off, everywhere we turn are things to do with babies. Kasey has noticed it too, and we kind of laugh about it, but sometimes I just get so mad. Like just last night we are watching a preview for a movie and it's all intense and war movie like and then just randomly not fitting with the preview at all is a pregnant woman about to pop, no joke. It didn't make any sense! I'm not saying I hate all pregnant people right now. I know a LOT of people who are pregnant right now. I would just give anything to be where they are. One thing I do hate is when I hear, well you should feel thankful you don't have to deal with these back aches and nausea and blah blah blah like that is supposed to help me at all. Why would I be thankful for that? I don't mind people complaining to me one bit, because we all know I do my fair share, if not more, of complaining, but saying I should be thankful I'm not pregnant when we have been trying so long is not only not helpful, it's extremely hurtful.

Anyhoo, we are doing better now. I am finally feeling a bit back to normal. My back had been hurting like crazy since then and I had been cramping a lot, but a few days ago they finally subsided. We're just taking it one day at a time. Now that I'm not on the clomid for this cycle, I'm not feeling like it's our month since it was supposed to help regulate me and help me ovulate, but I am not down in the dumps about it either. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it then I was last week. 

But I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind thoughts that have been sent our way. Kasey was a major help and I am so thankful he was here for me. I'm thankful for him everyday. Send positive thoughts and baby dust our way! Thanks again everyone for caring :)

New Year, New Challenges

I was going to post the weekend of our anniversary, but we've been busy on and off and sometimes I can't get myself to sit down and type. 

It has been a great first year married :) We have been through so much and we wouldn't change anything. We have spent a lot of time apart, time getting along, time not getting along so well, and time just living. Living our life to the fullest :) I am so completely happy being married to Kasey and having our life together. I still get butterflies when it comes to him, I can't help but smile when I see his face. He's my everything.

This next year is going to be just as challenging. I feel like when people say the second deployment is a little easier, they are talking out of their asses. Pardon my french, but seriously? I'm dreading it just as much as before. I know Kasey isn't going to be a newbie out in the sandbox and he will know more and everything, but going to FRG meetings and them telling us he needs to make out a will and sign all of this paperwork is making everything extremely real. And making me sick to be honest.

It's coming up extremely soon and we have a few things to figure out still! And yes, once again, one of the big things is what's going on with me? What about our stuff? What's the next step?

I feel like the more I make up my mind, the less likely it's going to happen. I am really starting to want to move back to Utah more and more, and we're having some problems figuring that out. 

Money is a main problem. The army will not pay for me to move back. So an option would be to put most of our stuff in storage, load the jeep up, and drive back. We had heard that the army would pay for the storage, but now we're hearing they won't do that either. And then once I get there, where am I going to live? I want to be able to settle in and look for a job, but how is all of that going to work? If I am not working and Kasey is the main money maker for a minute yet he's deployed, how am I going to put my name on a lease or anything?

It's getting super frustrating, and I think that's why we haven't actually sat down to talk seriously about it, because it's pretty daunting. We still have a lot of talking to do and figuring stuff out.

On the baby front, I just finished my second round of clomid this morning. I am feeling really good about this month. I really want to send those positive vibes out there. I have an appointment on Monday and hoping that we figure some stuff out. And my thyroid medication needs to be up'd and I have an appointment with that doctor in a week and a half. We're getting me to the healthiest I can be to make sure our baby is just as healthy.

Kasey is doing really good. He is a Specialist Promotable now and hopefully will get his Sergeant September 1st! I'm so proud of him. He has been working his ass off everyday and even then he is super helpful when I work late and he has to make dinner. I love our family!

Chester is still the same pain in the ass he always is and we still love him, especially when he's all sweet and cuddly. Kasey has been working really hard on training him and Chester listens a little better now... sometimes.

Izzy(Yzzy) is a potential new member of our family. One of momma kitty's babies. She's only 6 weeks old and is being fostered (that is a LONG story). We are still trying to see if she'll fit with us and Chester but Kasey is in love with her. Chester is a bit rambunctious but I'm hoping it will work out because baby needs a home.

And that's it for now. I know there's always more to talk about, but I'm already rambling.

Time Is Flying

I feel like since Kasey has come home, the time is flying by. It seems to take forever to pass when he is away, and then when he's here the days come and go so fast. So fast that his deployment is creeping up and it's making me anxious.

I know that he won't be "on the line" this time and that he shouldn't be doing as much as last time, but that doesn't make it any less nerve wracking. I would just rather have him here. Don't all of us military spouses want that? ;)

But that also means that time for me to make a decision is creeping up as well. Should I stay or should I go? It keeps changing. If you asked me a week and a half ago, I would say that it was 85/15 that I was staying and if you asked me two days ago it was 75/25 leaving, and if you ask me today, I don't know.

The pros and cons are basically the same as I've mentioned before, yet my mind keeps changing. Kasey wants me to go home. It makes sense, because besides him feeling that I'll be safer and around more people I know, I'll also have a place to live and hopefully a job set up so when he moves back and doesn't have a job himself, we will be ok. 

We had a discussion a few days ago and I kept throwing a lot of what ifs out there and he said I'm banking a lot on a decision because of what ifs. But that doesn't mean I'm still not thinking a lot about those.

I know I will probably feel a lot safer if I move back to Utah, depending on what part of Utah I move to, because it is just so scary here. While Kasey was gone, there was a scary incident that had me sleeping with the 1911 within arms reach of me all night.

It will be nice to be around family too and with a new nephew on the way, I could be some help if I were home too. And what if I get pregnant. It will be nice to have someone around to go to appointments with and share my excitement with.

But I also feel like I'm not ready to move back. If we plan on living in Utah after Kasey gets back for the rest of our lives then it's nice to have a break from there. I couldn't wait to get away in the first place. And I'm not that enthused to be moving back. But if that's where family is, then its nice to be around. Why couldn't everyone live in the UP? Or Wisconsin, I heard people are nice there.

Anyhoo, on the baby news, I just finished a round of clomid. With the thyroid medication in place and taking the fertility drugs, I'm hoping my hormones are on the mend and that my hostile uterus will be more welcoming for a tiny baby to make it's home for the next 9/10 months. So send baby dust my way everyone :D

Good News, Sort Of...

I am so happy we have finally figured out what's wrong with me! I have been able to finally go to the doctors and get blood work to see what's been going on.

I went to my Primary doctor first, even though I really thought that I would need to just see the OB/GYN. He didn't really have any answers for me besides my previous post mentioning I may have had a miscarriage. I got lab work done and he said he would refer me to an OB.

I set up and appointment with the Gynecologist and then just needed to wait. My primary doctor's office called me back and told me that it showed that my thyroid may be acting up, so I set up another appointment to come back in and see what's going on. Then I went to my appointment with the Gynecologist.

He was very nice and we talked for a bit and I told him all of the problems I have had in the past and the problems I am having now. He said I most likely have endometriosis again. I told him my doctor in Utah didn't want me to have another surgery because then that could cause more damage than good. He said what my other doctor told me as well, it's been proven that a lot of the problems I've been having go away after having a baby. So he said he can give me shots for the endometriosis, but that would make it harder to get pregnant while I'm on it since it affects my ovulating or he could start me on fertility pills. We went with the fertility pills :) Kasey and I want a family. So I will start those as soon as it's time to start them.

Then I went to my Primary a couple of days ago. He wanted me to get my blood work done again. He called me later and said that it's pretty clear that I have hypothyroidism. Yay! Well, not yay I have it, but yay that we know what's going on.

He gave me medication and I am going to have to be on it for the rest of my life to regulate my thyroid. But this is good news. Reading up on it, hypothyroidism can affect fertility. With the endometriosis, this may also have been the reason why we haven't been having any luck so far getting pregnant. And it's good we know now too, because if I hadn't known and ended up getting pregnant, it could have affected my pregnancy, my health, and the health of our baby. And that is obviously not a good outcome.

It's really good we found out what is going on when we did. Now we have the medications to fix everything and we can focus on my being healthy and focus on getting pregnant!

Also, I got a job!! I will be working at Hastings. And could move up to a managerial position in a months time or sooner. I am so excited. I actually feel like I'm going to enjoy it there. I am supposed to be a video associate, however, the only time I have spent in the store has been in the book section. I keep finding books that I would love to start reading! And the people I have interacted with there are pretty funny. Lot's of Keven Smith references and people dancing to the music and random bursts of accents....everything that I do!

And it makes me happy because I will be able to finally help out with things money wise. We can make it with Kasey's pay checks, but we can't do anything else besides that. This will definitely help us out. And Kasey wants me to be able to find more people to talk to instead of being at home all day. He's super sweet. And I really miss him like crazy. Just another couple weeks and he'll be home. I wish it were sooner. I just can't wait to pick him up!

Getting Better

I was finally able to go to the doctor this past week. It wasn't really a big help, but it was a step in the right direction. It's always that first step that needs to be made to get things going. Kasey wasn't able to get off work, but our friend Jessica came with me. I know I'm 24 and I should be able to go to appointments on my own, but it's always nice to have emotional support. And we enjoyed an hour and a half wait in the pharmacy just to get some naproxen and pre-natal pills.

Yes, pre-natal pills; no, I'm not pregnant, yet. We are trying. And I have been having problems for a while now so I wanted to be seen. And of course the doctor freaks me out by saying maybe I had a miscarriage and the problems that were elevated maybe have been because of that. Some of those numbers would add up. He did blood work, but it's been a nightmare to even see a doctor in the first place. I have to wait to hear back to set up an appointment for an OB/GYN. So we may not ever know if I did or not. But I'm not going to dwell on the potential bad news, I have actually been more upbeat and I'm doing my best to stay positive. I don't feel any different than I used to and I'm not going to stay down. I need to stay positive and active and healthy.

This weekend has been really great. It was definitely what we both needed. And it came with good news. Our dislocation came in, and it was more than we thought it was going to be. I'm not saying that money makes happiness and that we can't make it when it's tight. I think it's actually made us stronger. We have had some pretty hard times, and we have come through them. And I haven't second guessed being married with Kasey. This year has flown by, and we have been married 10 months now. It is just nice to have a break. We went out on a date Friday night. We saw the Hunger Games and then got Applebee's to go, and came home and just hung out and watched TV. And on Saturday we got shopping done and went shooting with some of Kasey's buddies. And I held my own! We shot shotguns and Kasey's rifle and then our handguns. My shoulder still hurts and it's Monday, but it's a good hurt. I had such a blast. Then Sunday we just relaxed and then we went out and had sushi! Months later we finally get some sushi! And it was so good. It was just a good treat and a great weekend.

Spending the ups and the downs with Kasey has been an adventure, and we definitely deserved a break, spend some time together, and not worry too much about bills or something that is coming up in a week and a half. It was just, "You want to go shooting today?" "Yes, yes I do want to go shooting today."

I love my husband. So so so so much!

Trying To Decide

Kasey's brother Tyler is flying in tomorrow for a short visit. I get to go pick him up at the airport since Kasey won't be able to get off work in time to go with. I have no idea where the airport is, but I guess I'll just wing it and go from there.

I'm really jealous that he has someone coming in to visit. Of course I'm ok with Tyler coming out. He's really nice and Kasey really needs this. He needs some family to come see him, he needs some guy time and to go hunting and just be out. I'm just being the pouty one stomping my foot and saying it's not fair! I want someone to come out and see me, I need a break too, someone to gossip and catch up with. I want one of my people to come out.

I understand it's pretty expensive though, so it kind of sucks. I know we have no money whatsoever. We are in the hole again, but Kasey gets paid this Friday and we should finally be getting our dislocation pay and that will definitely help us out since we don't need to get anything with it like a washer and dryer or a dog. I'm still looking for a job, but I have not heard anything back and it's very discouraging. Tomorrow we have an FRG meeting though and I should be able to get some help that way to see if there's anything available to apply for.

But this is where the decision comes in: If Kasey is deploying again. What am I going to do? If I had a job, the decision would be so much easier. I would obviously stay here and keep my job and keep busy. But I don't have a job. I'm hoping I have one soon, otherwise I'll be here alone with nothing to do at all. But would I really go back to Utah? If I did, what would that say about me? Am I weak? And even if I do move back, I'm not guaranteed a job there either. And where will I live? It would have to be somewhere that I can have Chester. And i would have to move all of my stuff back after I'm finally getting all of the last boxes unpacked and finally put away. Plus, if Kasey deploys, when he comes back, he will be here for a couple of months. If I left, then he would be here while I'm in Utah. Sure we would already have been apart for awhile because of the deployment, but I wouldn't want to be in Utah if he were in the States and I wasn't with him. That wouldn't make sense to me. But then if I came back, where would we stay for those few months? It would be pointless to move everything back for a couple months only to turn around and go back to Utah again. It's all just a jumbled up mess of what I could do and what I should do and what I want to do.

Can you see the conundrum in my brain???

Kasey is worried about me, and I don't want him to be. But how can I ease that worry when I am so unsure myself. Now that I have all those thoughts out, I do feel a little better anyway so it's not just scrambled up inside. It doesn't have me any closer to what I am going to do though. We have a little more time before any of that happens though, so I guess like the saying goes, only time will tell.

Fed Up

This is going to be a venting one. Again? Yes, again. So if you don't want to read, no problemo. I'm just super frustrated and on edge lately. I'm really tired and stressed and it's just never ending. And I blame the dog.

That's right, I said it. And I know it's sad and horrible. We wanted a puppy and no I'm not mean to him. I still love on him and play with him and feed him and give him kisses. But I am so completely frustrated. Potty training has been so frustrating. He has gotten better, so that's a good thing. But he still has accidents, no matter how diligent we are to taking him out as soon as he wakes up, after he eats, after play time, almost every half hour in between. And still he has accidents.

When we got him, we let him sleep on the bed at night until we got a crate and he would get up in the middle of the night and pee on the bed. Then we got a crate and he would freak out and whine and whine and whine, but then he got better and we were able to get a few hours of sleep until he whined in the middle of the night to be let out and then I would take him outside and then spend the rest of the night on the couch with him. And then he started waking up sooner and sooner. And now he whines like crazy as soon as we put him in the kennel. So now its to the point where I just start off the night on the couch. And during the weekend, kasey slept on the couch with him so I could get sleep since I'm with the dog all week. And for that I am grateful, but also mad about. I want to wake up next to my husband. I feel like I'm losing more sleep because I don't sleep well when I'm not with Kasey.

So then last night I get on the couch and the dog is doing so good, he goes right to sleep, and he's not in my way and I know he will sleep for a while. I normally wake up pretty easy, so if he moves then I will get up. But then I wake up to the sound of him throwing up on my new couch. And to make it worse, its right in a crack, so it not only gets one cushion, but two. And this is at three in the morning. Of course I don't discipline him, he hadn't been feeling good all day, but it's definitely not the thing I want to wake up to. I clean it up, and we go back to sleep. Thankfully the oustide of the cushions unzip and I threw it in the washer. But then for his morning nap, he is cuddling on me, and I see a little spot on his belly and I rub it and it scurries away. He has fleas. Oh yay! Ugh.

He bites, and I can't get him to stop. He think it's a game when I pop him on the nose and yell no, and I give him his toy, but then just drops it and goes right back to biting and nipping. He knows sit and stay when it comes to feeding time, so I'm glad he has some manners. And it's adorable to see him wag his tail when Kasey comes home. He likes to be right by our side and I think he follows me around more, but he listens to Kasey better. When Kasey is outside and has him off leash, Chester listens to him, but I have to take him out on the leash because he just wanders off.

And all this time it is really discouraging me and making me feel like I'm not going to be a good mother at all. I tell myself that I will be different if it's my own flesh and blood and probably feel differently about things. But it's disheartening. I have a feeling that I wouldn't mind if the baby threw up on me or on the couch, or if it needed to cry and be fed in the middle of the night. I know I'm going to be tired all the time then. So why do I feel like this way towards our puppy now? I just want to be a good mom and be able to take care of my baby. And I'm nervous that this shows that I'm not going to be. I can't even take care of a dog.

Lately I seem to always write in here lately when I'm having down days or starting to feel a little down. So, I'm sorry if my blog has become depressing or boring or repetitive or whiny or annoying. It's just been my outlet to get my feelings out. Well, maybe since Winchester is napping, I'll take a little nap too.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore Toto

If you have Facebook, you can see, we are puppy parents! That's another change that has happened lately. We got a Weimeraner boy and named him Winchester. He should be about 7 weeks now. And he is a major pain in the butt. I think I am mostly resentful and jealous because we weren't able to get our German Shepherd first. But I think I'm doing my best with caring for Chester anyway. He has fewer accidents with constant vigilance, and he sits before we feed him which is adorable, and when stays with us when we take him out to the bathroom, although he is not a fan of the leash, he would prefer to just walk with us. He seems to listen to Kasey more. But I am very appreciative to have him at home keeping me company and busy during the day while Kasey is gone.

I have still been looking for a job and I applied to Petsmart. There just aren't any government jobs I can apply for here and it's discouraging. And I would love to work at Petsmart, but they seem to be pretty strict about outside appearances, so even if I am over qualified to run the cash register, I probably wouldn't get the job because I have art on my skin. It's just all a difference to me from where I was a year ago and my jobs not bothering about the colors I have drawn on me. I got my work done and that's all that mattered. I'll keep looking though. I really want to help out as much as I can.

I have also been keeping busy with housework. We finally got a washer and dryer this past weekend and I have been busting my ass to get all the dirty laundry we had done, and it makes me feel like I'm contributing at least a little. I am doing the dishes all the time and cooking. As much as I can help out, I do.

This past weekend we were supposed to go to Detroit for my Christmas/Birthday present for a hockey game and we weren't able to go. I was and am still pretty disappointed about it. Kasey had to work some of this weekend so we couldn't go. It would have been really nice to be able to get away and watch a game. He knows how much I love the Wings and he was just as disappointed. So now I'm not sure what we're going to do. Maybe just save up ideas for my next birthday? haha who knows. But we were able to get a puppy sitter and we went out on a really nice date and that was a very welcomed break. We went to a movie and had a nice dinner and I got all did up and it was just really nice.

The weather here is different. The day before yesterday was just perfect and I loved it, and then yesterday we had thunderstorms and tornado warnings, and now today feels perfect again, and guess what's in store tomorrow? More thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms, don't get me wrong. But I didn't enjoy spending some of my time wholed up in my husband's man cave under the stairs listening to tornado warnings and a puppy whining the whole time. It was nerve wracking to be alone for it this time, but I had contact with Kasey the whole time and I didn't freak out as much because I was pretty determined no matter what to stay safe for my husband or he'd be pretty mad at me ;)

I'm still having my ups and downs emotionally. I do still feel lonely. Of course I have Kasey, and I am so thankful all the time for that. But when he's at work, I just feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to come and visit me. It's hard to explain everything without being whiny or hypocritical and annoying. I just get frustrated a lot. I'm very glad that Kasey is so understanding of my mood swings and he lets me complain a LOT. It's just still a lot of changes and I need to get used to it. But my husband puts a lot in perspective for me, and I am getting better. 

The Last Year and Updates

After New Year's and my birthday, it has been a bit of a reflection phase about how the last year or so has gone. And it's actually gone by pretty quick, but so much was jam packed into it. Last January Kasey came home for leave and we decided to start planning a wedding, he was sent back and we lost a family member, lots of wedding preparations were done and a lot of stress and anxiety went on, then he was finally done with Afghanistan and came home to marry me and we had a great honeymoon, then he had to go away to Germany since he was stationed there, then I decided I couldn't wait for the possibility that he might come home near Christmas so I bought myself a plan ticket and went to Germany, then he finally came home, we packed up all of our things, and we moved together to Tennessee. And that's the short version.

So many firsts, so many goodbyes, so much stress, a bit of hurt, a lot of longing. It's funny when people say it was all worth it, especially with going through so much. And true, it could definitely have been worse. And I would do this last year all over again the exact same way every single time if I was given the option. Nothing comes without hard work, without sacrifices of some sorts, without wanting something so bad.

My family grew this year, I have more parents-if you will-and more siblings. I am so thankful that I get along with Kasey's family so well. It was so nerve wracking meeting them for the first time, wanting their approval, hoping I didn't let them or Kasey down, hoping that they would know in their hearts if Kasey picked the right one to become a new family member. I felt welcomed right away, being invited to spend time with them even after Kasey was sent back to war. My family-my parents, Brittni, Fritz, Cooper-and Kasey's family really kept me going this year. It was a lot of back up that I am completely grateful for.

This past year has just been the first chapter in the new book of our life together. I can't wait to find out what else is in store for us with every turn of the page.

Well we finally have our new place and we finally have cable and Internet and we finally have all of our stuff here from storage. It's so exciting. Our place is looking more and more like a home and its great to feel more comfortable in it. I really need to take some pictures of our set up. The living room is done. The kitchen is mostly done. There are just two boxes of mostly paperwork I need to go through. The upstairs rooms need some work, but I am hoping to clear most of that up this week.

Things have been really tight with money and it has been pretty stressful. But thankfully we are holding together strong and working everything out. I have been making dinners basically every night, and if you know me, this is a new thing. I used to help out my family with dinners when I lived at home with them, but it has been a long time since I have actually cooked things for someone other than myself. So far I think he is enjoying it! Or at least telling me he likes it ;) haha 

I do the dishes basically every day too. That is also different than when living alone. I like it clean in here and I want it to show that I care if it is clean for the other person as well. We also go through a lot of dishes since there are now two of us.

Kasey hung up some pictures around the house and it looks really great. We're still not done decorating, but this is a great start and I love that we have pictures going up the stairwell. Soon, we will be able to get our puppy. We did taxes yesterday and the returns will be here soon. Then we can plan our trip to Detroit to use the tickets he got me for Christmas for the hockey game there and we can get the puppy, and then save as much as we can with the rest.

I love being married to Kasey. He is the sweetest man ever. My favorite part of the day is when he wakes me up in the morning with a hug before he leaves for work, and then when we are laying down at the end of the day ready for sleep, we always kiss each other good night and say "I love you". I know, cheesy, but I really don't care. I am so happy. They seem like such little things, but they really are the biggest.

Things Are Looking Up

Happy late New Year!! I've been wanting to write in here but then feeling unmotivated to do so. So far the beginning of the year still has had it's roller coaster moments, but we've been working through them.

We were still playing the waiting game and it was definitely taking a toll on my patience and I was taking it out on Kasey. I have been completely selfish. I need to sit back and remember, everything that I am going through, Kasey is going through too. I use words like "I" and "me" too often, and when I'm complaining to Kasey I sometimes forget to ask him how he is doing with everything; he is the one always comforting me, and not the other way around.

I definitely feel that since our talk the other day, things have definitely lightened considerably and I am a little less tense with everything, with Kasey's support, and everything has moved to excitement :) That's right! We finally will have a place to live as of this Friday! We had been waiting for a couple of weeks for things to fall into place with this town home that we wanted and it finally did.

We had looked at an apartment, Peacher's Mill, previously during that day because it was the only one we had heard back from that would allow up to 100lb dogs. However it still did not allow German Shepherds. Kasey and I had decided to get his dog first, the Weimeraner. It can get up to about 70lbs or so. It was a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment and it wasn't so bad, but there was this feeling that was irking me, and I had started thinking about this other place that we had previously called on that said they had a town home available. While we were looking at the Peacher's Mill apartment, we inquired again about the dog policy and she then said that it was a 50lb weight limit and that she wasn't so sure about the kind of dog we wanted, even though she also said that someone else in the apartment unit had that kind of dog. She also said they used to allow huskies, but that was before the weight limit change and that we would have to get a miniature if we wanted that.

So we filled out an application since she said she would look into the Weimeraner for us, but we didn't pay the $100 holding fee. Kasey and I decided to call the other place with the town home, The Residence's, back. It would be available January 25th. They didn't have an available place to show us, but said they had pictures on their computer they could show us, so we drove over there and looked at them. The place was so much better, seemed so much cleaner, more open, more around everything, we wouldn't have to worry about people in an apartment above us, and so on. And they allowed Weimeraners. So we filled out an application there and decided we would put the $100 holding fee on that. And all we had to do was wait for them to run our application and to get into the Army help program to get the place as well.

The next day while Kasey was at work, I took Jessica with me to show her the area of the Peacher's Mill apartment. And as we drove by, we not only saw a full grown husky outside with their owner walking it, but a legit purebred (beautiful I might add) Pitbull. I got SO mad. Not that I have anything wrong to say about Pitbulls, but if they are the number one dog on the vicious breeds list not allowed at apartments and this apartment would make an exception for that, then why would they not make an exception for my German Shepherd that I want to get? It definitely made me feel a little easier about going to The Residence's.

So last Friday, we went in as The Residence's had requested us, and we started the application process and had to go back and forth from them to the post to apply for the RPP program (the army housing help program) and finally we signed the lease and are able to move in on this coming Friday! We haven't even technically seen the place, besides the pictures of what it would look like, but really, I don't care at this point. We will have a place to call home while we are here. It's a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath town home and I am ecstatic.

Once we get to check it out, I will have to take pictures and post them on my facebook page or something. I can't wait to decorate it and finally get all of my stuff out of storage. And then, we will get our puppy!! Yay! :)