Fed Up

This is going to be a venting one. Again? Yes, again. So if you don't want to read, no problemo. I'm just super frustrated and on edge lately. I'm really tired and stressed and it's just never ending. And I blame the dog.

That's right, I said it. And I know it's sad and horrible. We wanted a puppy and no I'm not mean to him. I still love on him and play with him and feed him and give him kisses. But I am so completely frustrated. Potty training has been so frustrating. He has gotten better, so that's a good thing. But he still has accidents, no matter how diligent we are to taking him out as soon as he wakes up, after he eats, after play time, almost every half hour in between. And still he has accidents.

When we got him, we let him sleep on the bed at night until we got a crate and he would get up in the middle of the night and pee on the bed. Then we got a crate and he would freak out and whine and whine and whine, but then he got better and we were able to get a few hours of sleep until he whined in the middle of the night to be let out and then I would take him outside and then spend the rest of the night on the couch with him. And then he started waking up sooner and sooner. And now he whines like crazy as soon as we put him in the kennel. So now its to the point where I just start off the night on the couch. And during the weekend, kasey slept on the couch with him so I could get sleep since I'm with the dog all week. And for that I am grateful, but also mad about. I want to wake up next to my husband. I feel like I'm losing more sleep because I don't sleep well when I'm not with Kasey.

So then last night I get on the couch and the dog is doing so good, he goes right to sleep, and he's not in my way and I know he will sleep for a while. I normally wake up pretty easy, so if he moves then I will get up. But then I wake up to the sound of him throwing up on my new couch. And to make it worse, its right in a crack, so it not only gets one cushion, but two. And this is at three in the morning. Of course I don't discipline him, he hadn't been feeling good all day, but it's definitely not the thing I want to wake up to. I clean it up, and we go back to sleep. Thankfully the oustide of the cushions unzip and I threw it in the washer. But then for his morning nap, he is cuddling on me, and I see a little spot on his belly and I rub it and it scurries away. He has fleas. Oh yay! Ugh.

He bites, and I can't get him to stop. He think it's a game when I pop him on the nose and yell no, and I give him his toy, but then just drops it and goes right back to biting and nipping. He knows sit and stay when it comes to feeding time, so I'm glad he has some manners. And it's adorable to see him wag his tail when Kasey comes home. He likes to be right by our side and I think he follows me around more, but he listens to Kasey better. When Kasey is outside and has him off leash, Chester listens to him, but I have to take him out on the leash because he just wanders off.

And all this time it is really discouraging me and making me feel like I'm not going to be a good mother at all. I tell myself that I will be different if it's my own flesh and blood and probably feel differently about things. But it's disheartening. I have a feeling that I wouldn't mind if the baby threw up on me or on the couch, or if it needed to cry and be fed in the middle of the night. I know I'm going to be tired all the time then. So why do I feel like this way towards our puppy now? I just want to be a good mom and be able to take care of my baby. And I'm nervous that this shows that I'm not going to be. I can't even take care of a dog.

Lately I seem to always write in here lately when I'm having down days or starting to feel a little down. So, I'm sorry if my blog has become depressing or boring or repetitive or whiny or annoying. It's just been my outlet to get my feelings out. Well, maybe since Winchester is napping, I'll take a little nap too.