Well, for those of you who have been asking about what's been going on and why I went to the hospital a few weeks ago, it's just easier to write it all on here. I am giving fair warning though, to those who may be squeamish or just don't care to hear about the female body, you may not want to read further. On that note, it's not that bad, but it's nice for fair warning for those who aren't interested in the subject.
On June 28th I woke up out of nowhere in excruciating pain. I was rather surprised by it at first and thought I was dreaming. That didn't last long as I started cramping even more in my lower abdomen. I sometimes sleep with my hand comfortably between my legs a little higher than the knee as its a comfort thing for my joints. My hand felt warm and slightly wet. I brought it closer to my face since, thanks to our wonderful curtains upstairs, there is no light coming through. It was covered in blood. I got up, as much as I didn't want to move, and blood was everywhere. I made my way into the bathroom to clean up, the whole time walking doubled over as there were constant sharp pains over and over again.
I was contemplating what to do. When I wrote on here last, I said I had just finished a round of clomid the morning of my last post. That means I was cycle day 9. Cycle day 1 starts when your period starts. Most women can have an average 28 day plus cycle, so there was no way that I would be due for my period, especially since my thyroid issues and everything, my cycles had finally just started to come down to 'normal'. Except, what was considered my last period wasn't even a period to my standards, but I called my doctors office to make sure that I was supposed to start the clomid on the fifth cycle day and go from there.
That's where it got a little tricky for me. My sister had taken clomid, and her doctor told her that your cycle day one is not when you're just spotting, which was barely what was happening with me.
I burst into tears. We all know I'm an emotional person, it's true, but it has been a LONG time since I have cried from physical pain. I can't even describe how bad I hurt, but, as cliche as it sounds, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I went and woke Kasey up just crying and crying telling him I didn't know what to do and how bad I hurt and that's when he said maybe we should go to the hospital.
You know how sometimes pain can get better after awhile, like you're getting used to it, or when you know you're on your way to getting it fixed or getting answers, you feel a little better? Ya, that didn't happen for me. I cried the whole time: putting clothes on, getting in the car, driving on post, going through the id check, the long walk inside to the emergency department, sitting in the waiting room, going to take a urine sample. It was never ending pain and I just wanted a tiny bit of relief.
After I submitted my urine test, they put me in a room, and told me to change into a gown and someone would be with me shortly to help me. Not even five minutes later, someone came in. She was extremely rude by my standards as someone who felt like her insides were being ripped open , and said, "well you're not pregnant so we got you an appointment with your primary care doctor so you need to get changed and go over there because there's nothing here we can do for you."
So on top of hurting so bad, then I was completely livid and emotional on a whole other level. They were sending me away, rudely (I honestly can't remember all that she said but her demeanor was just ridiculous) and being told to sit in a waiting room. We walked over and waited to be seen. After about 25-30 minutes of being in the waiting room they called me back. I don't know how many times that morning I had to say I was at a level 10 pain. Then my primary care doctor came in (which Kasey pointed out, wasn't even a doctor, but a PA, not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that, because back in Utah I always saw the PA at the clinic I went to as I thought he was more thorough, but at this moment it just made me mad and frustrated). He did an exam on me. It was probably one of the more painful ones I've had too, especially since I hurt everywhere down there. He told me that my urine test was actually inconclusive and unable to determine whether I was pregnant, but that there was tissue.
He said that it may have been another miscarriage, and I think it probably was as well since the last time with my possible miscarriage the pain was almost similar, except this time was worse, among other symptoms. Thankfully this time he decided to give me some lortab instead of naproxen like he did last time. He said there wasn't much he could do for me since he was not an OB and that I should call my OB. They didn't even run a blood test. I felt extremely put out to say the least. One of the bright things that happened that morning was that it's like the pharmacy gods were smiling down on us and there was no one in line when we arrived. It is never like that. I normally wait for at least an hour every time. We headed home and I called my OB. They didn't want me to come in, they didn't examine me, they didn't want to run a blood test. The nurse on the phone just said it sounded like a possible miscarriage and to not take the clomid this new cycle since I had just finished it not even a week before.
I remember last post saying how optimistic I felt about things and that I really felt like this was our month. It definitely felt like a slap in the face. We are really ready for our family. I feel so frustrated about this because I feel like it's my fault, like my body just always having something wrong with it. I am taking my medicine like I should, and I am taking my vitamins and the fertility drugs when I should, so why isn't it working?
To top it all off, everywhere we turn are things to do with babies. Kasey has noticed it too, and we kind of laugh about it, but sometimes I just get so mad. Like just last night we are watching a preview for a movie and it's all intense and war movie like and then just randomly not fitting with the preview at all is a pregnant woman about to pop, no joke. It didn't make any sense! I'm not saying I hate all pregnant people right now. I know a LOT of people who are pregnant right now. I would just give anything to be where they are. One thing I do hate is when I hear, well you should feel thankful you don't have to deal with these back aches and nausea and blah blah blah like that is supposed to help me at all. Why would I be thankful for that? I don't mind people complaining to me one bit, because we all know I do my fair share, if not more, of complaining, but saying I should be thankful I'm not pregnant when we have been trying so long is not only not helpful, it's extremely hurtful.
Anyhoo, we are doing better now. I am finally feeling a bit back to normal. My back had been hurting like crazy since then and I had been cramping a lot, but a few days ago they finally subsided. We're just taking it one day at a time. Now that I'm not on the clomid for this cycle, I'm not feeling like it's our month since it was supposed to help regulate me and help me ovulate, but I am not down in the dumps about it either. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it then I was last week.
But I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind thoughts that have been sent our way. Kasey was a major help and I am so thankful he was here for me. I'm thankful for him everyday. Send positive thoughts and baby dust our way! Thanks again everyone for caring :)
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