One Step at a Time

Just wanted to say something in advance before I begin this post. I'm pretty sure I'll get a few comments telling me how grateful I should be. I KNOW how grateful I should be and how grateful I am. That's not a question. This is a place for me to vent and to share how I am feeling and how we are doing. If I am having a bad day, I am entitled to talk about it. The awesomeness of freedom of speech. That being said...

My emotions are all over the place. I'm feeling so scrambled. It has been a difficult time trying to find a place to live. Have there been places available? Yes. Are we not getting these places because we're being too picky? No. There is so little availability out here because this Army Post is huge. Base housing has a wait of 6-8 months. We basically decided then that we are going to be looking off post. And we have been doing that.

We begin looking online and found a couple of houses for rent that seemed really great. We needed to move fast because some houses that were available online were already taken by the time we called. We set up a time to check out a nice house. We were so excited. I loved this house. It was bigger than some of the ones we found online and it was for the same price. It was in a nice neighborhood and it was just great. I took a lot of pictures and could see us living there and have our dog and our things and everything.

So we went to the realty to fill out an application. Along with that we had to pay a $25 fee. Then we were told to call back in the afternoon to let us know how the application went. I called back and was very disappointed to find we were not approved and that there wasn't a reason written on the paper this lady looked at, but that we wouldn't be getting that house or any other house that realty had to offer and then she hung up the phone. I was pretty devastated. The finality of her words were just so rude, and not being given an explanation was very surprising. Of course I cried. I have been on edge so much lately because of more things and I just was not ready to be told no, we can't have our house.

We started to look for other places and called a realtor this time and went out to look at another house. This one was better than the first. I was a lot more hesitant this time and did not have my hopes up in the least bit. I really wanted this one too. We were sent to a different agency and filled out another application and paid $30 this time. We were told we would get a call within the next 24 hours and then all we had to do was wait. We got a call at 8 the next morning telling us that we weren't approved for that one either. They said that it had "something to do with the credit" and that they printed out a paper for us to come look at to see what went wrong. We went out there and it just turned out to be a number to call to check our credit score.

Kasey's credit isn't the best, but mine is. I can't help but feel like it's because I am not working and bringing in money that they aren't taking my credit into account. I wanted to wait to look for a job until we found a place and were settled, but now we cant get a place because I'm not working. It's been very hard. So we went to housing and they gave us a list of apartments and some brochures and I have been working my butt off looking online and calling places trying to find one with availability and one that allows dogs. The waiting game is so hard and it seems like that is all I ever do.

Kasey is worried about me. I feel like I am letting him down and letting my emotions get the best of me. I know it is hurting his feelings in return. He wants to make me happy. He wants to give me everything and we are just having a tough time getting everything right now. It will all work out, of that I am positive. I am just trying to keep my emotions in check, and I am having a tough time of it.

And this is why I feel so crazy and so all over the place. I am so bummed out about this and so emotional and having a hard time, but then I can't help but feel so happy. It's crazy being sad and happy at the same time, but I am. I am SO happy to be here with Kasey and I am so happy he's home and we get to do this together and get to be around each other. I am so thankful he has friends here and they're letting us stay with them. I feel bad because they are finally able to be together after all of these deployments and they need their alone time too.

Kasey has been amazing to me. Christmas was really good. Trevor, Jessica, Kasey and I all took turns opening presents and Jessica made us a wonderful dinner. I was completely spoiled. My family gave me everything even if I didn't ask for it or make a list or give them anything in return. I feel bad about that too. And my wonderful husband bought two tickets to go see the Red Wings play in Detroit in February.

ok. And I know we'll be ok, because I married a wonderful man who is so caring and he puts up with me. And he loves me for me. Even if I am a bawl baby.

Home?

We're here! And we have internet to hook our computers up to as well. It feels weird going from an I-phone for a couple of weeks back to a lap top. I like the clickity-clack this makes. Anyhoo...

The trip out here was great! We took three days and we got to see a few things and it was just a great experience to have together and I'm really happy to have made it here in one piece! We got along the entire time and that was perfect. I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to and I kept forgetting to grab my camera. But I will put up what I took when I get the chance.

We drove to Mt. Rushmore and that was pretty cool. It was very cold outside. We made it in the night before to Rapid City. It was incredibly foggy and when we were driving toward the sculpture we were worried if it had been a waste of time because we wouldn't be able to see it, but the skies cleared on the way and it was great! It's smaller in person, because you always see close up pictures of it and everything. The eyes were pretty creepy too. But I know I got a lot of pictures of that, so I will have to find a good one to post.

We went through St. Louis, during rush hour traffic no less, and it was so HUGE. I couldn't get any good pictures because of the stop and go traffic, but it was still amazing to see and I cant wait to go and check in out when we have more time. All of the sports arenas were pretty close to each other and close to the freeway and I thought that was pretty awesome. It was weird seeing a Home Depot right off the freeway and downtown. And there were like apartments or condos inside an old factory warehouse type building right on the side of the freeway. That was really cool to look at too. There were a lot of old structures in Missouri., we had driven through St. Joseph earlier in the day and that was pretty cool to see too.

We are staying with one of Kasey's buddies and his wife, and I am loving it here. They are so nice and I am so grateful to have a place to stay. Jessica and Trevor have been awesome. Their stuff just arrived today and I am so jealous watching them unpack everything and set their place up. I can't wait to do that.

We had been wanting to get a place on post, but Kasey heard form a friend that it might be at least 6 months to get one. We can't stay with the Sampson's forever! They need their alone time and to be able to have their spare room to themselves, and we need to be able to be alone and just be together alone finally. And I want to be able to set our home up too. So I think we will be looking off post if Kasey comes back today and confirms if the wait is going to be that long. We need somewhere that allows dogs since we want to get a puppy soon.

It will all work out, eventually. Unfortunately, it's still a waiting game. We will figure things out together though, and I'm so happy about that. Now I'm just waiting for him to get off work! He needs to hurry up! ;)

It's been awhile

I haven't been able to write in here for a little while. We've been extremely busy since Kasey got home. Plus, with him home, why be on the computer when I can be snuggling and spending time with him. It's so amazing having him home with me. Like just now he just bursts into laughter just to make me laugh. And randomly handing me things to distract me. Oh the simple things :D He's such a nut. Even during disagreements, it actually makes me happy that he's even home for us to be able to have them in person, instead of having to handle everything online and not know with what inflection words are being said.

We have the movers all set up to take care of our stuff. It feels so surreal that we'll be out of here pretty soon. There's still a lot to be done. We have gotten a lot done so far though and it feels great to have so many things so accomplished. Some more simple things, we got new phones together, we just got our first bill together today, we bought our first piece of furniture together last week. I am just so completely happy, I can't say it enough. I am so happy and grateful that I have him home with me.

Kasey took me handgun shooting for the first time last week and I'm addicted. I bought him a Taurus 1911 .45 ACP. And today he bought me a Charter .357 Magnum. It's pretty exciting, I get a big thrill out of it, and I want to go again. Today I was popped in the forehead by a .45 casing. That wasn't that fun. But it got a good laugh out of Kasey, I had a nice little black mark right in the middle of my forehead.

It's just nice to be together again, waking up together, and I know I'm being cheesy, but I have every right to be, try and stop me if you want!

Getting So Close

It's almost here! The day when I can get Kasey from the airport. The day we can finally start things off together, moving forward. It's kind of crazy to think about. I keep getting asked "Are you nervous?" "I bet you're pretty scared huh?" Um, no. I really am not. Maybe these people are scared themselves, but I couldn't be more anxious for this moment. "Scared of moving?" Absolutely not, when I'm following the love of my life and my protector. "I heard Kentucky is pretty crappy." So you've heard it is or you've experienced it? "You're sure you can handle it?" In the words of all the people on those crazy shows like Jerry Springer and Maury: "You don't know me!"

I am so completely excited for this moment. I don't know how many times I can say it for people to even understand. But the only person who really matters in this is Kasey, and I'm pretty sure he knows I am anticipating this as much as him.

I've been working so much overtime these past few weeks, so I am not leaving anyone high and dry at work. I'm pretty exhausted, but I wanted to make sure I had as much done as possible so I would be ready close out on Tuesday.

The goodbyes have already started. My hockey family was last week. I found my cat a new home, and took her there this past Thursday. I'm sure she'll be fine. It's just sad to see her go. And also on Thursday saying goodbye to one of my favorite patients I've ever come across, a Purple Heart Recipient. He and his mom have been coming in to see one of the doctors in my office for quite some time, and its always a pleasure to see them arrive and talk to me. They said the place will fall apart when I leave, theyre too sweet. He had wrote a book, and I was able to get it signed for Kasey and me.

I still have a lot of cleaning to do. I want everything to look nice when he gets back. I'm not the best cleaner, so we'll see how that really turns out.

But until then, I'm just hoping for good weather and a safe flight back to me! I can't wait!

Turning the Page

It's getting closer and closer and feeling more surreal as each minute passes. November 16th is coming and I can't wait for it. I catch myself holding my breath or bouncing up and down in anticipation.  I can feel myself getting more and more jittery. Seeing his face will put a huge smile on mine.

November 16th is going to be a big day. It will be my first day waking up in the last 4 and 1/2 years and technically not be employed. I will be looking for work. And then that night I will be picking my husband up from the airport, and then our lives can truly start together.

It's an intense feeling when you sit and think about it. It's a new chapter. Hell, it might even be a whole new book. We get to do so many things, and experience them together, as a married couple, husband and wife.

And the thing is, I'm not scared. I want it to be now. I didn't really care about my future too much before. I was in my own little world, having my own drama, not knowing what was next, not looking forward to anything, staying in the dark. And then the light and fire and drive came back into my life when Kasey did.

I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. I want to live together, I want to make food together, I want to have our own house, I want to go on walks, I want to go and get that first animal together, I want to have our babies, I want to be old and have grey hair and still hold hands with my soulmate, and have him tell me he still loves me. I want our life, and we can FINALLY start it. You may call me cheesy,  a dreamer, a romantic, but we have been given a precious gift: love, and I'm going to fight like hell to keep it.

Dear Aunt Debbie

I've been thinking of you so much lately. It's been almost 5 years since you've passed. I probably would have written closer towards the end of next month, but I'm thinking of you now. Also, there will be a lot going on in the next month, and I don't want you to feel like I've forgotten you. I've missed you.

So much has happened since you've been away. Brittni had a baby, Cooper. You would adore him. He's so cute and such a funny little kid. He'll be 4 in March. I'm sure he would have gotten a hoot out of meeting you. I know I always did when we went to visit.

I fell in love with an amazing man. I had the biggest crush on him in high school. We got married on June 11th. I didn't know it was your anniversary until after we had set the date. I wish you could meet him. You would love him. He's completely wonderful and he takes great care of me. He's an Army Combat Medic, and has served in Afghanistan. On some nights when I hadn't heard from him or something bad happened in the news, I had hoped you would be watching over him. He's goofy and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he reminds me of you.

I owe you an apology. When you got sick, I knew you were going to fight it. You had a fire in you, and I knew you would get better. And I thought you did start to get better. Maybe it was just what I was hearing or maybe it was just my teenage ignorance. So May rolled around, and Brittni first got married. Grandpa, Lacey, and Aunt Pattie were able to come out for it. Then June rolled around. My graduation. And I was really upset, because no one could come. A lot of the family was able to come out for Brittni's graduation two years before, and then they came out for Brittni's wedding. But when it was my turn, they weren't able to because they went out to visit you. Along with my jealousy towards my older sister, I felt resentment. Towards you. I was jealous, I was ignorant, and I was immature.

Like I said, I thought you were getting better. And I was so frustrated that the family made their trek out for Brittni's events and not mine. But you didn't get better. And we knew the time could be any time. I remember going to work, and I didn't feel like I should be there. It felt weird to me. I knew something was wrong. So I told my boss I needed to go home. And by the time I got home, you had already passed away.

And instantly I felt regret. And I have felt this way and been holding it in for the past five years. I can't forgive myself for being so upset at you because you were sick. And I have never told anyone of my feelings before now. Sometimes I talk out loud to you when I'm alone, hoping you can hear me. But I haven't come out and apologized. When we went to your funeral, I thought I would tell you then. But we got there, and it wasn't you. It didn't look like you, you're spirit was gone. And I don't think I have even fully mourned your passing because of that.

I'm so sorry Aunt Debbie. I hope you know deep in my heart how much I miss you and I wish you were here. We could go crabbing like we used to, and have donuts in the morning, fried chicken for lunch, and gumbo for dinner.

I think of Uncle Randy so often and I am sure you are always looking out for him. You helped him find love again, and helped him keep moving forward. I miss him just as much. I havent seen him in 5 years either. I hope some time soon, Kasey and I can make a trip down to visit him and our southern family. I know you'll continue to look out for him. You loved him very much.

I miss you Aunt Debbie, and I love you. Until we meet again, I'll be thinking of you. Love, Tabby

Frustrated

Having a hard time today. It always hits randomly and it's normally brought on by nothing. I get so frustrated with myself. I am talking to Kasey on Skype and I read too much into something he says or if he doesnt smile I automatically think something's wrong, even though really he looks quite content.

I hate having bad days, especially when my best friend isn't here to talk to, or it's night time where he is at. I understand it's just as frustrating for him too, and me acting all crazy and emotional doesn't help him out at all.

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and I'm taking it out on the person I love the most. I definitely need to catch up on my sleep and be grateful for everything that I have, because I truly am extremely lucky. Here's to a better tomorrow :)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Today I finally got all of my paperwork together and went into my boss's office to give him my 30 day notice. Now it definitely feels like a countdown and things are starting to speed up. They have agreed to let me be on a 120 leave without pay while I look for government work in Kentucky. It will be the first time in 4 and 1/2 years that I have not worked, and it will be different.

But I'm really ready for the change. It will be nice to have a small break and be able to do things with my husband, even if it's packing, sleeping in, going to the gym, shopping, moving, getting a puppy, living in the same house; just being husband and wife and experiencing all of it together.

I finally found my wedding shoes that I had been looking around for everywhere, and I found an unopened wedding card among some of our stuff. It made me think again about how wonderful of a day it really was and how it was the best day of my life; how grateful and lucky I am that Kasey picked me to marry him.

I've still been dealing with a lot of negativity. Everyone seems to have an opinion, and think that if they TELL me that something seems like a bad idea to them, that for some reason I would be obligated to do what they are telling me to. The thing is, Kasey and I are going to make our own decisions. Just because someone is going to give their negative input doesn't mean its going to affect the outcome. We will listen what you have to say, but ultimately, we have plans, we've already decided what we're going to do and how we're going to do things. It doesn't mean that everything is going to work out, but at least we will have each other, and that's all we need. We live and we learn and we're doing it together. I am thankful everyday for my husband :)

Birthday and Distance

Happy Birthday Kasey!!

Today is Kasey's Birthday. I'm so happy about it. Celebrating the birth of my favorite person. And he's not here. He's 8 time zones ahead, and technically it's not even considered his birthday anymore with what time it is. I want to be able to take him out. Show him how much I appreciate him being in my life. We didn't get to do last year's birthday either. He was in Afghanistan.

He laughs at me patiently and says, we'll have a lot of birthdays to come for the rest of our lives, and many holidays to celebrate together. I completely understand and agree. We'll get Thanksgiving and Christmas together, unlike last year.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful for the time that I have been able to spend with my husband. Other Army Wives have had to deal with this longer, soldiers have missed the birth of their children. We haven't had to go through that, and I am very thankful. And grateful as well for all of those families who have had to deal with that.

I think I'm just having a bad day today, but I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. We will have MANY holidays, birthdays, celebrations, etc to spend together.

And I don't want to be selfish. This is Kasey's day. He wants to be home and be with his family and his wife and his friends. I need to stop being whiny! But for now, I'm going to go grab his hoodie and wrap myself up in it. Then I'm going to think about November when he comes home! I miss you and I love you Kasey. I hope you had a wonderful Birthday :)

The love of my life

Woohoo for my first blog :) I don't really know how these things work, so I'm just gonna go with it. I tend to ramble. Also, I don't mean to cause offense. So always read at your own discretion.

Since this is our blog, and this selection is entitled "The love of my life", I'm sure you can deduce what my first entry will be about. Chocolate. No, but seriously, Kasey.

I have known Kasey for 8 years. He was probably one of the biggest sources of support for me during High School, and I'm still not sure to this day if he knows just how much his friendship meant for me then. We lost contact for a while after graduation, but thankfully-oddly enough-I decided to become a part of the wonderful world of facebook. And I found him. We started chatting for the next few months, but he was deployed to Afghanistan and didnt have internet connection for a couple of months. He finally got it back by the end of August 2010, and we have talked everyday since, unless he was on a mission, or either of us have been travelling.

We were married in an amazing ceremony on June 11, 2011, with our close friends and family. Walking down the aisle to him, seeing how completely handsome he looked in his tux, saying our vows to each other, sharing our first dance together, having him try and shove cake on my face, walking home after the reception was over: It will probably be one of the absolute favorite days of my life.

Being apart isnt easy. We've had our ups and downs, our stresses, our good days and bad days, supporters and people who just dont understand. Everyone has an opinion. But at the end of the day, his is the only one that matters to me. Because it is us, and our life together. No one else has to get us or understand us. I can't wait until he comes home, and we can finally start our life together.

Kasey Randall is the most loving man I have ever known. I am the luckiest woman in the world. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible. My face hurts by how much he makes me laugh and smile. He fills my heart and makes me feel like I'm going to explode from joy. He's loyal, honest, faithful, smart, caring, handsome, and goofy to name just a few things. There will never be enough words to express what he is. He is perfect to me. I am so completely in love with him, I am so lucky he picked me, and I am very blessed to have him in my life.

Kasey is my best friend, my husband, my lover, and my soulmate.