I've been thinking of you so much lately. It's been almost 5 years since you've passed. I probably would have written closer towards the end of next month, but I'm thinking of you now. Also, there will be a lot going on in the next month, and I don't want you to feel like I've forgotten you. I've missed you.
So much has happened since you've been away. Brittni had a baby, Cooper. You would adore him. He's so cute and such a funny little kid. He'll be 4 in March. I'm sure he would have gotten a hoot out of meeting you. I know I always did when we went to visit.
I fell in love with an amazing man. I had the biggest crush on him in high school. We got married on June 11th. I didn't know it was your anniversary until after we had set the date. I wish you could meet him. You would love him. He's completely wonderful and he takes great care of me. He's an Army Combat Medic, and has served in Afghanistan. On some nights when I hadn't heard from him or something bad happened in the news, I had hoped you would be watching over him. He's goofy and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he reminds me of you.
I owe you an apology. When you got sick, I knew you were going to fight it. You had a fire in you, and I knew you would get better. And I thought you did start to get better. Maybe it was just what I was hearing or maybe it was just my teenage ignorance. So May rolled around, and Brittni first got married. Grandpa, Lacey, and Aunt Pattie were able to come out for it. Then June rolled around. My graduation. And I was really upset, because no one could come. A lot of the family was able to come out for Brittni's graduation two years before, and then they came out for Brittni's wedding. But when it was my turn, they weren't able to because they went out to visit you. Along with my jealousy towards my older sister, I felt resentment. Towards you. I was jealous, I was ignorant, and I was immature.
Like I said, I thought you were getting better. And I was so frustrated that the family made their trek out for Brittni's events and not mine. But you didn't get better. And we knew the time could be any time. I remember going to work, and I didn't feel like I should be there. It felt weird to me. I knew something was wrong. So I told my boss I needed to go home. And by the time I got home, you had already passed away.
And instantly I felt regret. And I have felt this way and been holding it in for the past five years. I can't forgive myself for being so upset at you because you were sick. And I have never told anyone of my feelings before now. Sometimes I talk out loud to you when I'm alone, hoping you can hear me. But I haven't come out and apologized. When we went to your funeral, I thought I would tell you then. But we got there, and it wasn't you. It didn't look like you, you're spirit was gone. And I don't think I have even fully mourned your passing because of that.
I'm so sorry Aunt Debbie. I hope you know deep in my heart how much I miss you and I wish you were here. We could go crabbing like we used to, and have donuts in the morning, fried chicken for lunch, and gumbo for dinner.
I think of Uncle Randy so often and I am sure you are always looking out for him. You helped him find love again, and helped him keep moving forward. I miss him just as much. I havent seen him in 5 years either. I hope some time soon, Kasey and I can make a trip down to visit him and our southern family. I know you'll continue to look out for him. You loved him very much.
I miss you Aunt Debbie, and I love you. Until we meet again, I'll be thinking of you. Love, Tabby
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