Unsure

It's weird. Normally I get on here when I'm mostly frustrated and upset about something and I need to vent, but really, I'm not feeling that so much right now. Of course I am annoyed and stressed constantly, but those aren't my feelings right now. But I can update anyways. 

I still have no job. I am trying constantly. I have had several interviews. But nothing came to fruition. I was so close to getting one at the VA again, but they went with someone else. I guess it was really close though. Getting back on at the VA has been so hard. I really want to get back up there. I loved working there. Ok, everyone has their bad days. But hindsight is always 20/20 and I know I complained sometimes, but it wasn't so horrible and I miss it a lot.

My mood has been slightly better I think. Well it had been. And I could only tell that, because all of the sudden this past week I started getting emotional again haha little did I know that I was getting sick. I should have known. And the last three days have been miserable. What started out as a slightly itchy throat has manifested into body aches and hot flashes and drippy noses and nausea and coughing and raspy voices. It's been pretty horrible.

And I am saying that my sickness is what made me so upset about this next part. Something pretty embarrassing happened on Thursday. I got a phone call and they left a message. And they were asking for an interview with me and so they could tell me a little about the job. The problem was that I had already interviewed for that job exactly two weeks previously. The guy had said that he'd be out of town and then he'd let me know when he got back. But instead I got a call asking for a first interview. And I know this all sounds so trivial. But I have been so stressed and depressed with not having a job, it just really upset me. He didn't remember me. I was forgetful apparently. I didn't care that all these jobs have so many people applying. It still hurt my feelings, and shook my confidence even further.I feel like such a failure not being able to get a job. I hate that I haven't had a job for almost 9 months.

It's so heartbreaking trying to be able to support your family when you can't get a job. If I got a job, even if it didn't pay the best (but of course it would need to be feasible), we would be able to finally move out and get our stuff back. This needs to happen soon, and it hasn't been. Its overwhelming to say the least.

I took Yzzy to her new temporary home this evening. She reacted a lot better than I thought she would. I really missed her and I can't wait to have to back. I spend some time still looking online at pictures of houses. I can't wait for us to have our own place that I can decorate and set up everything how we want and just lounge on our own couch, play video games, being able to get up in the middle of the night with a small bladder not worrying about the squeaky doors on the way waking other people in the house up. When I gotta pee, I gotta pee! And ooooo to have a real bed again! Oh man I am waiting for that like none other.

I was going through a lot of pics and videos online, also coming across my sister's old blog and it has given me a trip down memory lane. It is so crazy to see where I'm at now, who I'm married to, all the changes that have happened, all the new family members, and remembering how things used to be. Like baby Cooper. He was just the bee's knees. I've forgotten a lot of when he was little, but it's fun to go back and see. I saw him so much for the first three and a half years of his life, then Kasey and I move and then all of the sudden he is starting Kindergarten in a week. Where did all of the time go?

But then again, at the same time, for some reason, I feel like without me having a job, Kasey and I are in this crazy slow mo world where everything is slowed down, but everything and everyone else keeps moving forward.

My feelings are all over the place all the time. Sometimes I am so happy that we haven't had children yet. We aren't in a place to have any right now anyways, and we could use a little more "us" time after all of my job searching and our tight budget goes away. And then sometimes I am so devastated that it hasn't happened for us yet. Sure there's plenty of time. And like I said, we aren't in a place for that to happen right now. But that happens ALL the time to other people and it works itself out. I'm so envious. I don't know hat I feel anymore about it. It changes all the time and it's just confusing. It's pretty exhausting. I am definitely a tired gal.

I was looking at pictures of Kasey and I and I just love looking at them. He makes me so happy. And even through all of these tough times, we've been able to pull through it and keep going. We definitely deserve a break. We deserve some great news. Well Kasey got his haha He is leaving for his hunting trip in the morning and will be gone for a while. He definitely needs the break though and he's really excited for this, so I hope he's able to get a good buck. He's been looking forward to this for a long time. I just feel like I should at least be able to get a pedicure or something ;)

Kasey's school starts up in about a week or so. His first semester is already under his belt, and I am so proud of him. He's one step closer to his goals and that's always great. I'm so glad I'm able to be his cheerleader in this. I still need to work on my attitude though, and be a better cheerleader than I am now. One step at a time I suppose. 

I think I forgot to mention last time that I have started writing again. I just need to really focus on that when I start to feel frustrated or need a break from constantly searching for jobs. It keeps me busy and clears my head about all of that stuff and moves into all these fictional places and it makes me feel a little better. And then frustrated because I can't seem to always get out on paper what I'm thinking in my head. But it doesn't matter really. It's all just for fun, and I don't think anyone will really be reading any of my stuff anyways. Maybe I'll work on that this week while Kasey is gone, when I am not sending applications out. We'll see.

In the meantime, I WILL get a new job soon. I can feel it.