Next Step

It's been a while since I've posted and a few things have changed. For starters for those of you that didn't know, I have a job! I started September 23rd. I'm back up at the VA and I'm getting the same pay as I was before (technically 500 bucks a year more). I was hired as Secretary for Research. I've mostly been purchasing so far.

Not long after I got hired, Kasey and I signed for an apartment. We moved in mid-October. It's small, but we can manage for a year while we get money figured out and Kasey works on his credit. Then we'll be able to start looking at houses! We have both Yzzy and Chester back. Yzzy still needs to get acclimated to Chester again. She's even more neurotic than I remember. We're having some problems with Chester being even more stubborn than before lately also.

Living alone together with just Kasey and I feels weird. We hadn't lived alone together since the beginning of January. We need to get back into the groove of things but I like it. It's exciting and fun.

November marked our 24th month of trying to get pregnant. It's definitely been a rough time. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. Basically I'll probably be having another surgery in January some time, but the date isn't set in stone. I'll be going back to see him at the beginning of year and come up with a game plan and Kasey and I are just going to try and relax and enjoy the holidays together. This will be our 4th Christmas as a couple (he was in Afghanistan for our first). I can't believe how much time has passed.

I've been working on my writing a little more. I've got 22 pages done. 22 pages probably doesn't seem like much to a lot of people, but that's really great for me. I haven't been writing much at home at all. If I did, I'm sure I'd have so much more done. But my idea is coming along nicely and this rough draft is getting most of my good ideas down, and then I'll go back in and add more stuff. It makes me feel accomplished to write. I've just been distracted because I've really gotten into playing Skyrim and it just sucks me in when I have other things I need to do.

I'm really feeling Christmas this year. I'm so excited and all I want to do is get out and shop even though we don't have a ton of funds at the moment. I can't wait to get the tree up and decorate. I need to get more ingredients and make my favorite tea(however I can't find the recipe). I've been enjoying a ton of egg nog...maybe too much. And I really just want apple pie all the time. Now all we need is some snow!!

The deer season just ended. Kasey is pretty bummed he didn't get anything. But that just means he'll try harder next year. And I'll be going with since I've got my hunter's safety! I'm mostly really excited to try for an elk. He's doing really well in school and still working security on the weekends. I'm really proud of him :)

That's pretty much it for now. Just a normal update. I know I wanted to write more, but I always go blank whenever I'm getting to write on this.

Growth

As the title suggests, I've been reflective again lately. Mostly because 9/11 just passed. I got on Facebook a few times and "liked" things, but I didn't want to write anything. What I was feeling was so much more that the small amount of characters that are allowed in a status update. It just made me remember where I was at the time, and what was going on in my life.

Some of the details are a little fuzzy, but I was just starting 8th grade, and I was 13 years old. We lived in Texas at the time, so we were one time zone behind everything on the east coast. I can't remember if it was the first or second bell of the day to let us in the building, but I know one rang at 8:15 in the morning, just over ten minutes after the second plane flew into the towers. We of course didn't know anything at the time. We were getting ready to go in, focused on making it to class on time. I remember I was talking with my friend Ruby.

I don't remember much of the time I spent at school. I do remember a lot of people were absent the first period, and then throughout the course of the time I was at school, people were being called out of class, more and more. And then I was called out. My mother was picking me up. I'm not sure what time that was at, but it didn't seem like a big deal; I was just getting to leave school early. And then I got home and my sister was already there, and I was bummed that she got out earlier than me.

I sat down in front of the TV and everything that was happening was on. I remember them showing the plane fly into the tower over and over again. The first time it happened, I was on my knees in the middle of the living room floor watching, and I remember clasping my hand over my mouth in shock. What was happening?

We spent the whole day watching everything that was happening. I think everything stopped for us, and everything was on lock down. We had no idea how many planes there were, and I swear there were reports of some heading for the base?  I know we were worried about what would happen since my dad was in the Air Force. I remember it being dark outside, and us still watching the footage, replaying the plane, replaying the falling towers, showing the devastation, people sifting through the rubble, people in the streets crying. I do remember being upset. I wasn't too young to not know exactly what was happening. I just didn't know to what extent. But I was upset, and I was scared. I was so sad, because those were huge buildings. And it felt like we were so close to it, like it was right in our state, even though it was over 1,800 miles away. 

Then we needed to focus again on our lives, and what was going on with us. We were moving, in less that 12 days time. There was so much change going on at once. I was worried that my dad would have to go back to war. And we were moving states. 

Growing up is not easy at all. It makes me upset thinking about how mean people are. And how no matter where you go there will be bullies. I was bullied in Texas. And I was bullied here in Utah. There were a lot of times I wanted to quit school. When I graduated, I wanted to have a shirt that said "I survived School".  It was a huge feat. And yet, you don't stop growing after you graduate.

Everyone can say it, and I will. I've been through a lot. And Kasey and I have been through a lot together. We've hit lows, we've struggled paycheck to paycheck, we've gone negative more than a handful of times. And those were times when they were things we needed like food and a home. I could go into details about everything that has happened to us, but I won't because I don't want to dwell on it all.

What happens to us shapes who we become, and how we choose to move forward. It's ever-changing. Sometimes I think I would like a little bit of good monotony, but I'm sure that it would get boring after a while.

I don't think I would be the person I am now if I weren't bullied. That can be a good and a bad statement. I have several problems like bad depression and anxiety problems. I have been on many medications. I have gone to therapy. But I think I am also a different person than when I was a teenager. I am still working on getting better, trust me. But the hardships have also taught me a lot. I still have bad days, and especially with being back in Utah and feeling like we were stuck in limbo.

I have to be honest, I definitely feel like my emotions got the better of me, and it was harder to contain them the longer I had to wait to get a job. I felt very dark and I don't know how Kasey put up with me. 

But I finally feel like our next chapter has started and things look clearer. Instead of just looking at houses online, wishing that we could get one, we can actually look and be like "I can see myself living here," and make plans on home loans or a rental. We can start the move forward to fix the jeep, then trade it in, and get another vehicle for me. I can NOT wait to blast my music with the windows down. M83 came on this evening while I was driving and it just took me back to when I had my beetle and would just go for night drives to make myself happy, and I felt happy tonight. I have felt happy since I got a job offer. We can get insurance and I can go to the doctor so we can get the ball rolling on starting a family. We can make plans, and not have them be "wishful thinking", they can actually be plans that we set up and carry out.

There's one documentary on 9/11 that I feel like I need to watch. I don't know if it's a perspective thing, or maybe I'm just weird. I cry every time. I get goosebumps every time. And it makes me sad. But it makes me grateful to be alive, and have what I have. It's just called 9/11 and its by Jules and Gideon Naudet and James Hanlon. It aired on TV six months after the attack and I remember watching it. There was a warning before it saying that they will not be editing the language from it, it is real emotion, real life, real people, our heroes and their human emotions, such as fear, sadness, worry, and anger. I remembered they aired it a couple times afterward through the years. But then it stopped. And that one stayed with me. I don't know why. All of the documentaries were sad. But I just really needed to watch this one. These guys just happened to be there making a documentary on a probie firefighter and they caught the first plane flying into the tower, they were inside the North Tower when the South Tower fell, they were just a couple of blocks away when the last one fell. And I found it for sale at Walmart a year ago and I had to purchase it and watch it. I recommend that documentary above all others. It's not just looking at outside footage and pictures of the fallen, I feel like it is an even closer depth of the people that gave their lives. I don't know how to explain it.

There's another thing I recommend to watch, to put things in perspective for you, to motivate you. I watched it last night, and it definitely makes me want to focus on my hobby of writing a little more. It made me question myself, but instantly I wanted to move forward with it, and that is also a progress of mine compared to how I used to be before. It was J.K. Rowling's commencement speech for the 2008 Harvard class. It's just 20 minutes, but it's extremely powerful, and I think it would benefit a lot of people who watch it.

Wow, I'm definitely rambling. And I'm sure I forgot things I wanted to put in here. But that's not new haha I hope I haven't bored whoever is reading this.

Scatterbrained

I feel like my mind has been all over the place.I guess in a sense that's good since I have been mostly all focused on finding a job. Not that that is not in the forefront of my mind, because it is. I still haven't gotten anything yet. And it is insanely stressing. Here it is, the end of the month, and I still have nothing to show for it. I am at a loss to why this is happening. But I try my hardest finding a job that can help support us, and that is all I can do. I wish people liked me! ;)

Other things that have been occupying my thoughts are my stories. I keep coming up with so many ideas and I need to get them out or my head starts to hurt. I have several that I am working on right now. I love it. I love writing and getting everything down. I'm sure they're not that good, but that would be amazing if I could sell them. Then again, I haven't had any college, and it seems like a lot of people who write books have a little college under their belt, and I don't. Maybe eventually, we'll see.

I have so many ideas. They're not all the same. Some may be supernatural, and then others aren't at all, and they're just real life. I love being in my own little worlds. When they cross over, it's a little hard and I need to focus and narrow a lot of my ideas down. But they are all on the down low and I haven't let anyone read them. I'm not that far along anyway. I think it will make me feel accomplished to get them done, and I guess that's all that matters, having a hobby and keeping busy, so I'm not going so crazy about this job thing. Or maybe its made it worse? I don't know.

I'm also still crocheting. I need to focus on this thing I'm making. I should have had it done a little while ago, but then I started on my stories. I need to manage when I do everything haha but then wouldn't that mean I'm being OCD about something that supposed to calm me down? My brain is just going a million miles an hour.

We went to the movies the other day and saw a good one based off of a book. It made me want to read the books, and then I saw a preview for another movie based off of another book, and I want to read that. But now I feel like I would worry if I'd read something and feel like I am writing the same things, or lose my focus on what my story is compared to theirs. I guess it's not like a big deal since my stories aren't going to get out there anyways. But since my mind is all over the place, I shouldn't add more things to do. Then again, it really is keeping me busy when I'm not looking for a job constantly. Any escape is nice. I feel like I'm not even making sense in this post haha

Kasey didn't get a deer on his trip, but he'll still have a few more chances to get one this year. He said he had a good time, and that's all that matters, so that's good. We are supposed to be going camping tomorrow night. But we're going up a treacherous road and I am going to be having a crazy anxiety attack the entire time, just like the last time. I know, I'm a spaz.

Kasey started his fall semester this past week. I think it's going well. He is going full time, but he scheduled it so he has the same days off as the summer semester. He's still working up in Ogden with Securitas. It sucks, because he's gone all weekend basically and then he's at school all week, and exhausted the rest of the time. I just hope to get a job soon to take so much pressure off of him. And then we can get our own place! Please let it happen soon!

Unsure

It's weird. Normally I get on here when I'm mostly frustrated and upset about something and I need to vent, but really, I'm not feeling that so much right now. Of course I am annoyed and stressed constantly, but those aren't my feelings right now. But I can update anyways. 

I still have no job. I am trying constantly. I have had several interviews. But nothing came to fruition. I was so close to getting one at the VA again, but they went with someone else. I guess it was really close though. Getting back on at the VA has been so hard. I really want to get back up there. I loved working there. Ok, everyone has their bad days. But hindsight is always 20/20 and I know I complained sometimes, but it wasn't so horrible and I miss it a lot.

My mood has been slightly better I think. Well it had been. And I could only tell that, because all of the sudden this past week I started getting emotional again haha little did I know that I was getting sick. I should have known. And the last three days have been miserable. What started out as a slightly itchy throat has manifested into body aches and hot flashes and drippy noses and nausea and coughing and raspy voices. It's been pretty horrible.

And I am saying that my sickness is what made me so upset about this next part. Something pretty embarrassing happened on Thursday. I got a phone call and they left a message. And they were asking for an interview with me and so they could tell me a little about the job. The problem was that I had already interviewed for that job exactly two weeks previously. The guy had said that he'd be out of town and then he'd let me know when he got back. But instead I got a call asking for a first interview. And I know this all sounds so trivial. But I have been so stressed and depressed with not having a job, it just really upset me. He didn't remember me. I was forgetful apparently. I didn't care that all these jobs have so many people applying. It still hurt my feelings, and shook my confidence even further.I feel like such a failure not being able to get a job. I hate that I haven't had a job for almost 9 months.

It's so heartbreaking trying to be able to support your family when you can't get a job. If I got a job, even if it didn't pay the best (but of course it would need to be feasible), we would be able to finally move out and get our stuff back. This needs to happen soon, and it hasn't been. Its overwhelming to say the least.

I took Yzzy to her new temporary home this evening. She reacted a lot better than I thought she would. I really missed her and I can't wait to have to back. I spend some time still looking online at pictures of houses. I can't wait for us to have our own place that I can decorate and set up everything how we want and just lounge on our own couch, play video games, being able to get up in the middle of the night with a small bladder not worrying about the squeaky doors on the way waking other people in the house up. When I gotta pee, I gotta pee! And ooooo to have a real bed again! Oh man I am waiting for that like none other.

I was going through a lot of pics and videos online, also coming across my sister's old blog and it has given me a trip down memory lane. It is so crazy to see where I'm at now, who I'm married to, all the changes that have happened, all the new family members, and remembering how things used to be. Like baby Cooper. He was just the bee's knees. I've forgotten a lot of when he was little, but it's fun to go back and see. I saw him so much for the first three and a half years of his life, then Kasey and I move and then all of the sudden he is starting Kindergarten in a week. Where did all of the time go?

But then again, at the same time, for some reason, I feel like without me having a job, Kasey and I are in this crazy slow mo world where everything is slowed down, but everything and everyone else keeps moving forward.

My feelings are all over the place all the time. Sometimes I am so happy that we haven't had children yet. We aren't in a place to have any right now anyways, and we could use a little more "us" time after all of my job searching and our tight budget goes away. And then sometimes I am so devastated that it hasn't happened for us yet. Sure there's plenty of time. And like I said, we aren't in a place for that to happen right now. But that happens ALL the time to other people and it works itself out. I'm so envious. I don't know hat I feel anymore about it. It changes all the time and it's just confusing. It's pretty exhausting. I am definitely a tired gal.

I was looking at pictures of Kasey and I and I just love looking at them. He makes me so happy. And even through all of these tough times, we've been able to pull through it and keep going. We definitely deserve a break. We deserve some great news. Well Kasey got his haha He is leaving for his hunting trip in the morning and will be gone for a while. He definitely needs the break though and he's really excited for this, so I hope he's able to get a good buck. He's been looking forward to this for a long time. I just feel like I should at least be able to get a pedicure or something ;)

Kasey's school starts up in about a week or so. His first semester is already under his belt, and I am so proud of him. He's one step closer to his goals and that's always great. I'm so glad I'm able to be his cheerleader in this. I still need to work on my attitude though, and be a better cheerleader than I am now. One step at a time I suppose. 

I think I forgot to mention last time that I have started writing again. I just need to really focus on that when I start to feel frustrated or need a break from constantly searching for jobs. It keeps me busy and clears my head about all of that stuff and moves into all these fictional places and it makes me feel a little better. And then frustrated because I can't seem to always get out on paper what I'm thinking in my head. But it doesn't matter really. It's all just for fun, and I don't think anyone will really be reading any of my stuff anyways. Maybe I'll work on that this week while Kasey is gone, when I am not sending applications out. We'll see.

In the meantime, I WILL get a new job soon. I can feel it.

Playing the hand that's been dealt

Sometimes I feel like I am living in Groundhog Day Universe, and I need to figure out just how to change myself to make us move on to the next day instead of the same things repeating over and over.

I still don't have a job. It's not for lack of trying. Everyday I do the same thing, several times a day, looking for jobs, seeing if anything is updated. The other day I sent in eight applications. And two days before that I sent in six. I am applying for what I can. I feel like maybe I had been picky beforehand, but since I wasn't hired for the last VA job I applied for, I feel like there's no time for that. It's hard having worked my way up previously only to have to start at the bottom again. I guess that's just life. And looking for a job for over eight months is so exhausting.

We won a raffle and got a gift certificate for an AC or furnace worth $3500 including parts and labor. We are still at the in-laws, so we decided maybe we can make a little money off of it to help us out financially. We are asking for $1500, more than half off. It's a pretty good deal. We've had potential buyers, but they've fallen through. So we decided to post it on KSL to sell. It was on for only 5 hours when the owner of the company called to patronize us for placing it up saying he's losing money for it, and if we really want to sell it, that labor and parts won't be included.

I just feel like it seems when we finally have our hopes up, they seem to be shot down, almost instantly. We are able to pay for bills with what Kasey is making, but we aren't able to do anything else. Date nights are so rare. I was so happy that we were able to have one last month. They are definitely needed. If I had gotten that job, we would have been able to get our own house, get another car, pay for all of our bills, and still have money leftover for us to do things. I feel like such a failure. I need to know if and what I am doing wrong in my interviews, or if someone just happens to be more qualified than me. Believe me, I'm not all mopey when I am there, you are just always reading hen I am having a down moment. I am always positive, upbeat, smiling, and sending those happy vibes out to hopefully get that job.

We really need me to have a job with steady income coming in, so we can support ourselves and we can get our own place. Selling that ticket, the money wouldn't go too far, but we had plans with it. Kasey has been looking forward to the archery deer hunt which starts in mid-August. I don't want people saying we need to sort out or priorities on what to do with our money. Kasey needs this. He is working his ass off. He's working the weekends and going to school all week to provide for us. He's exhausted and needs a break and this is what he has been looking forward to since we've moved back. We would put some in savings, and then the rest for things we need. Yzzy needs to be fixed. If our friend is watching her and she's driving him nuts, the best we could do is finally get her fixed since we still can't take her back. It would just help us out tremendously, especially with gas.

I'm just hoping for me to get a job soon so we can move on and move forward with all of our plans, instead of just imagining when and if they will happen. There are a few jobs I am waiting to hear back from. I'm sending positive thoughts that way, and hoping that I will hear some good news! I just have to keep trying.

Keep Moving Forward

It's been awhile. We've been extremely busy. Things have been tough. Things have also been worse though, so that's a plus! 

I still don't have a job. I'm trying my best to get one. It's stressing and it's taking it's toll. I just applied for two more today. I'm really hoping it happens soon. We really need this. Kasey is working pretty bad hours on weekends, and he's also going to school right now. He's definitely keeping busy and keeping us afloat. Money is a big issue right now and we still have bills to pay. We're cutting it really close, just getting by. We're still living with Kasey's family. And as much as I love them, I really can't wait to have our own place. I miss our stuff. I miss having more than 1-2 weeks worth of clothes and then washing and then repeating. I miss Yzzy. She's staying with a friend, and I desperately want to see her, even though she hates me.

Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful to have a place to stay. To have people watching our pets. To be able to get by 'til the next paycheck. But I need a damn job. I feel like once that happens things will definitely start the ball rolling.

Kasey and I have been married for two years today. He is my best friend and we have been through a lot together. Through miscarriages, fights, no money, crappy jobs, to vacations, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. We've had a lot of Up's to go with our Down's. I feel like it's been bunched together in the last two years, instead of being spread out over time.

I just want to make him proud of me. I want to be just as helpful to our little family as he is. I want to support us as much as he is. I want to have a good paying job so he won't have to work so he can focus on school. I want to be able to buy him presents for our Anniversary, or hell, even just go to dinner. I want him to be able to get all the camo he wants and do all the hunting and fishing he desires instead of me grilling him about how much everything is. I want to be someone he can depend on to make sure that we are floating along with two paddles and even a damn motor instead of us having one life jacket and me clinging desperately to it dragging him down.

I have been thinking about things we can try and sell to get a little extra money. Most of our stuff is in storage however, and not easily accessible. I have even been thinking about selling my wedding dress. I don't want to. But am I ever going to use it again? But it just has me thinking. And looking at pictures today online does as well. We have made it two years. With the stuff we've gone through, that's a big achievement. Hell, even with the times these days, making it two years in a marriage is a huge accomplishment. We've made it this far. It was like this in Tennessee. We were tight then, we're tight now. But we're making it through little by little. We've been making it by with a little help from our true friends too.

I just have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason. Everything has been happening to make us stronger. That even like yesterday when I was mad at Kasey, and he was frustrated with me, that we can laugh at the situation, cut the tension, and he gives me his adorable grin and kisses me. Our plans and our rewards in life are going to happen. I am going to get a job, we are going to get pregnant, we are going to get a home, we are going to get everything we want, we are going to keep moving forward.

Anticipation

The time has come when I will see my husband again. I feel like it has taken so long, and I also feel like it's flown by. But that's only because the main reason I came back here alone as to find a job to help us get situated and that deadline kept running out. And now it's a bit late. I have applied for many jobs and am waiting to hear back from them. I literally just sent in an application for two more.

 

I know I can't be picky. I really can't. Any money is better than no money. But I also know that we wouldn't be able to live off of me only making 8 bucks an hour. But we just have to make things work right now.

 

I'll be flying out on Wednesday, the movers are coming on Thursday to pick our stuff up, and we'll probably head out Thursday night/Friday morning. We'll have the dog and cat in tow. We have no idea what we're going to do once we get here, especially where we're going to stay with the pets. I can't imagine having to give them away just because I wasn't able to get a job right away to help out with money to procure a place to stay. It seems like a big fail when all I was supposed to do here was get a job and I didn't.

 

I just have to believe that things will work out. Things will turn around and everything will be great. We have so many plans and I want to see them come to fruition. I can't wait for Kasey to get here. I miss him so much. He wants to start going to school in the fall. I think it is an amazing idea and I'm glad he knows what he wants to do. We want to have a home. This may not happen for a while, so we'll have to rent a place for about a year and then go from there. Kasey needs to work on his credit. I wanted to work on mine as well, but when I went in, I expected a lower number than 771, so that was an amazingly pleasant surprise. I have a good percentage option when it comes time for a new car loan.

 

I'm excited for all of our plans together and just moving forward. I have to keep that end goal in mind when I think about how stressing it is right now. It could be worse. We have a lot more going for us than some people do. We just need to hold on to hope and positivity.

That's life! (That's what all people say...)

I feel like even though I'm just as stressed as the last blog, that I'm in a better place right now. Maybe I'm just in a better mood? I have definitely been trying to work on not letting as many things affect me, especially if I have no control on it whatsoever.

 

I have been very reflective lately, thinking of some "what ifs". Not in a longing way, but just playing things out of stuff that's gone on in my life. And I always come back to the fact that I love who I've ended up with and how well our life is together. I wouldn't change it for anything. Everything we have gone through has made us stronger together. Everything I've gone through before, lead me to who I am and who I am with now.

 

It's funny when people say that its hard to tell who your real friends are. I know I've said that a lot too. But it really isn't hard anymore. I know who my true friends are. There are really only a couple of them. They know who they are. They've been there for me, especially since I've been back. I'd rather have those close friends than a bunch of fake ones.

 

I've been watching the Jodi Arias trial lately. My mother in law got me into it. We were really into the Casey Anthony trial when it was on a couple years ago. I have to say that I am addicted. I find all of these dynamics fascinating. I love the psychological aspects of everything. It also has been making me sick to my stomach. It's an up and down roller coaster ride. But it's a lot of entertainment and I'm learning new things every day I watch it.

 

I love learning new things. I wouldn't say it's a regret of mine, but one of my what ifs makes me wonder about going to college. Even thinking about it though I don't know what I would want my major to be. I think criminology would be really interesting, but I am not good with actual physical blood. I can see my own blood and be fine (unless its a finger or toe injury) and I don't mind bloody messes in movies or TV shows. But any blood in person makes me so woozy. I would be a horrible investigator if I couldn't even make it a minute through the crime scene. I've always been interested in Psychology as well, but I am also terrified that there would be that one crazy patient that stalks you. I have a big imagination, so sue me. I had wanted to be a massage therapist before, but my wrists are all screwed up now, I wouldn't be able to do it. And something in the Veterinarian field has always been a passion, but once again, blood. I also love learning things about History and anything with movies. I'm always on Wikipedia and IMDB. I just love learning.

 

I'm still looking for a job. I am waiting to hear back about two jobs that closed, one of which I received an email saying that I as qualified for it. But I haven't heard back since. I called and they said they were conducting interviews and I should hear back soon, but still nothing. I've been here for almost two full months and I don't really have anything to show for it. I'm just really hoping our luck turns around in that area.

 

Kasey has begun all of his closing out. I can not wait to fly back out there and take our drive back! I miss spending time with him. It's hard to go from spending every single day with someone for a year and then be away from them, even though we talk every day.

 

Our plans right now are me finding a job as soon as possible so we can have that stability once Kasey is out and not working. Kasey is wanting to go to school. We want to get a home. We might have to settle for an apartment at first, but we're so ready to start our future and get a home and set it up and hopefully have a place for Chester to run. At some point we'll need two cars. One for him to get to school and one for me to go to work. But it's all just one step at a time at this point.

25 Isn't What It's Cracked Up To Be!

We're never told when we're younger and saying, "I can't wait to grow up," how much shit you would really have to go through. And all day I have had in my head "I don't ever never ever ever wanna grow up, yuck!" from Hook.

My birthday was a few days ago. My husband bought me a wonderful necklace and I love it so much. He knows me so well! I don't really feel much older. I've been feeling old for a while now. I've been in town almost four weeks and they have been extremely rough. I was pretty sick the first two weeks straight and I am still getting over a sinus infection, having bloody noses every morning. And my ulcers, oh how they are back with a vengeance. But I'm not nauseous as much any more which is actually wonderful.

We were at Shopko earlier and we were in the kids section, and it's just hard sometimes. I'm not saying I'm overly emotional all the time or when I see kids, but when I see things that I would like to buy for our children, it is upsetting. I love looking at Sebastian and I just can't wait to hold one of our own. As soon as Kasey gets back, we're getting a new doctor and we are going to be very aggressive about all of our options.

Being back has also made me feel pretty useless and like a bum. I have no job, I don't have a car, I'm living with my sister. I have been searching for a job so hard and whatever I have found, apparently I'm not qualified for, which to me is a serious joke. And like I said, I feel useless and like a loser because I've been here a month and nothing to show for it. The whole reason for sending me back was for me to have a job. I need a job that pays a good amount of money with security so I'm not worried about being let go, and something with benefits. But really anything to start me off is helpful as well. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a letdown. I'm still aggressively looking.

We got rid of Kasey's truck. We didn't get anything out of it, because the lump of junk decided to need a couple thousand dollar repairs, so there went that money that we were hoping for. We haven't done taxes yet, and I'm really not expecting a big amount of money that we really need. No job and no car means no money for a house when Kasey gets here, and on top of that, he will be starting school, so then neither of us will have a job. Can you see why the ulcers are back?

And on top of all of this, my mother went in for a biopsy on my birthday and we found out today that she has Stage 1 lung cancer. If treated aggressively, she should be able to beat it and it will be great.

It's just so much shit piling up at once and so much stress and it's really hard to handle everything without my best friend here. I am trying my best to be strong, but I feel so negative and the positive vibes are not really flowing out of me like they should to bring it all back in.

I'm going to just keep trying. We can't afford for me to give up. I'm just hoping that things start working out. We have so many plans in our future that I look forward to, we just need to be able to get to them.