Trying To Decide

Kasey's brother Tyler is flying in tomorrow for a short visit. I get to go pick him up at the airport since Kasey won't be able to get off work in time to go with. I have no idea where the airport is, but I guess I'll just wing it and go from there.

I'm really jealous that he has someone coming in to visit. Of course I'm ok with Tyler coming out. He's really nice and Kasey really needs this. He needs some family to come see him, he needs some guy time and to go hunting and just be out. I'm just being the pouty one stomping my foot and saying it's not fair! I want someone to come out and see me, I need a break too, someone to gossip and catch up with. I want one of my people to come out.

I understand it's pretty expensive though, so it kind of sucks. I know we have no money whatsoever. We are in the hole again, but Kasey gets paid this Friday and we should finally be getting our dislocation pay and that will definitely help us out since we don't need to get anything with it like a washer and dryer or a dog. I'm still looking for a job, but I have not heard anything back and it's very discouraging. Tomorrow we have an FRG meeting though and I should be able to get some help that way to see if there's anything available to apply for.

But this is where the decision comes in: If Kasey is deploying again. What am I going to do? If I had a job, the decision would be so much easier. I would obviously stay here and keep my job and keep busy. But I don't have a job. I'm hoping I have one soon, otherwise I'll be here alone with nothing to do at all. But would I really go back to Utah? If I did, what would that say about me? Am I weak? And even if I do move back, I'm not guaranteed a job there either. And where will I live? It would have to be somewhere that I can have Chester. And i would have to move all of my stuff back after I'm finally getting all of the last boxes unpacked and finally put away. Plus, if Kasey deploys, when he comes back, he will be here for a couple of months. If I left, then he would be here while I'm in Utah. Sure we would already have been apart for awhile because of the deployment, but I wouldn't want to be in Utah if he were in the States and I wasn't with him. That wouldn't make sense to me. But then if I came back, where would we stay for those few months? It would be pointless to move everything back for a couple months only to turn around and go back to Utah again. It's all just a jumbled up mess of what I could do and what I should do and what I want to do.

Can you see the conundrum in my brain???

Kasey is worried about me, and I don't want him to be. But how can I ease that worry when I am so unsure myself. Now that I have all those thoughts out, I do feel a little better anyway so it's not just scrambled up inside. It doesn't have me any closer to what I am going to do though. We have a little more time before any of that happens though, so I guess like the saying goes, only time will tell.

Fed Up

This is going to be a venting one. Again? Yes, again. So if you don't want to read, no problemo. I'm just super frustrated and on edge lately. I'm really tired and stressed and it's just never ending. And I blame the dog.

That's right, I said it. And I know it's sad and horrible. We wanted a puppy and no I'm not mean to him. I still love on him and play with him and feed him and give him kisses. But I am so completely frustrated. Potty training has been so frustrating. He has gotten better, so that's a good thing. But he still has accidents, no matter how diligent we are to taking him out as soon as he wakes up, after he eats, after play time, almost every half hour in between. And still he has accidents.

When we got him, we let him sleep on the bed at night until we got a crate and he would get up in the middle of the night and pee on the bed. Then we got a crate and he would freak out and whine and whine and whine, but then he got better and we were able to get a few hours of sleep until he whined in the middle of the night to be let out and then I would take him outside and then spend the rest of the night on the couch with him. And then he started waking up sooner and sooner. And now he whines like crazy as soon as we put him in the kennel. So now its to the point where I just start off the night on the couch. And during the weekend, kasey slept on the couch with him so I could get sleep since I'm with the dog all week. And for that I am grateful, but also mad about. I want to wake up next to my husband. I feel like I'm losing more sleep because I don't sleep well when I'm not with Kasey.

So then last night I get on the couch and the dog is doing so good, he goes right to sleep, and he's not in my way and I know he will sleep for a while. I normally wake up pretty easy, so if he moves then I will get up. But then I wake up to the sound of him throwing up on my new couch. And to make it worse, its right in a crack, so it not only gets one cushion, but two. And this is at three in the morning. Of course I don't discipline him, he hadn't been feeling good all day, but it's definitely not the thing I want to wake up to. I clean it up, and we go back to sleep. Thankfully the oustide of the cushions unzip and I threw it in the washer. But then for his morning nap, he is cuddling on me, and I see a little spot on his belly and I rub it and it scurries away. He has fleas. Oh yay! Ugh.

He bites, and I can't get him to stop. He think it's a game when I pop him on the nose and yell no, and I give him his toy, but then just drops it and goes right back to biting and nipping. He knows sit and stay when it comes to feeding time, so I'm glad he has some manners. And it's adorable to see him wag his tail when Kasey comes home. He likes to be right by our side and I think he follows me around more, but he listens to Kasey better. When Kasey is outside and has him off leash, Chester listens to him, but I have to take him out on the leash because he just wanders off.

And all this time it is really discouraging me and making me feel like I'm not going to be a good mother at all. I tell myself that I will be different if it's my own flesh and blood and probably feel differently about things. But it's disheartening. I have a feeling that I wouldn't mind if the baby threw up on me or on the couch, or if it needed to cry and be fed in the middle of the night. I know I'm going to be tired all the time then. So why do I feel like this way towards our puppy now? I just want to be a good mom and be able to take care of my baby. And I'm nervous that this shows that I'm not going to be. I can't even take care of a dog.

Lately I seem to always write in here lately when I'm having down days or starting to feel a little down. So, I'm sorry if my blog has become depressing or boring or repetitive or whiny or annoying. It's just been my outlet to get my feelings out. Well, maybe since Winchester is napping, I'll take a little nap too.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore Toto

If you have Facebook, you can see, we are puppy parents! That's another change that has happened lately. We got a Weimeraner boy and named him Winchester. He should be about 7 weeks now. And he is a major pain in the butt. I think I am mostly resentful and jealous because we weren't able to get our German Shepherd first. But I think I'm doing my best with caring for Chester anyway. He has fewer accidents with constant vigilance, and he sits before we feed him which is adorable, and when stays with us when we take him out to the bathroom, although he is not a fan of the leash, he would prefer to just walk with us. He seems to listen to Kasey more. But I am very appreciative to have him at home keeping me company and busy during the day while Kasey is gone.

I have still been looking for a job and I applied to Petsmart. There just aren't any government jobs I can apply for here and it's discouraging. And I would love to work at Petsmart, but they seem to be pretty strict about outside appearances, so even if I am over qualified to run the cash register, I probably wouldn't get the job because I have art on my skin. It's just all a difference to me from where I was a year ago and my jobs not bothering about the colors I have drawn on me. I got my work done and that's all that mattered. I'll keep looking though. I really want to help out as much as I can.

I have also been keeping busy with housework. We finally got a washer and dryer this past weekend and I have been busting my ass to get all the dirty laundry we had done, and it makes me feel like I'm contributing at least a little. I am doing the dishes all the time and cooking. As much as I can help out, I do.

This past weekend we were supposed to go to Detroit for my Christmas/Birthday present for a hockey game and we weren't able to go. I was and am still pretty disappointed about it. Kasey had to work some of this weekend so we couldn't go. It would have been really nice to be able to get away and watch a game. He knows how much I love the Wings and he was just as disappointed. So now I'm not sure what we're going to do. Maybe just save up ideas for my next birthday? haha who knows. But we were able to get a puppy sitter and we went out on a really nice date and that was a very welcomed break. We went to a movie and had a nice dinner and I got all did up and it was just really nice.

The weather here is different. The day before yesterday was just perfect and I loved it, and then yesterday we had thunderstorms and tornado warnings, and now today feels perfect again, and guess what's in store tomorrow? More thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms, don't get me wrong. But I didn't enjoy spending some of my time wholed up in my husband's man cave under the stairs listening to tornado warnings and a puppy whining the whole time. It was nerve wracking to be alone for it this time, but I had contact with Kasey the whole time and I didn't freak out as much because I was pretty determined no matter what to stay safe for my husband or he'd be pretty mad at me ;)

I'm still having my ups and downs emotionally. I do still feel lonely. Of course I have Kasey, and I am so thankful all the time for that. But when he's at work, I just feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to come and visit me. It's hard to explain everything without being whiny or hypocritical and annoying. I just get frustrated a lot. I'm very glad that Kasey is so understanding of my mood swings and he lets me complain a LOT. It's just still a lot of changes and I need to get used to it. But my husband puts a lot in perspective for me, and I am getting better.