Dear Aunt Debbie

I've been thinking of you so much lately. It's been almost 5 years since you've passed. I probably would have written closer towards the end of next month, but I'm thinking of you now. Also, there will be a lot going on in the next month, and I don't want you to feel like I've forgotten you. I've missed you.

So much has happened since you've been away. Brittni had a baby, Cooper. You would adore him. He's so cute and such a funny little kid. He'll be 4 in March. I'm sure he would have gotten a hoot out of meeting you. I know I always did when we went to visit.

I fell in love with an amazing man. I had the biggest crush on him in high school. We got married on June 11th. I didn't know it was your anniversary until after we had set the date. I wish you could meet him. You would love him. He's completely wonderful and he takes great care of me. He's an Army Combat Medic, and has served in Afghanistan. On some nights when I hadn't heard from him or something bad happened in the news, I had hoped you would be watching over him. He's goofy and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he reminds me of you.

I owe you an apology. When you got sick, I knew you were going to fight it. You had a fire in you, and I knew you would get better. And I thought you did start to get better. Maybe it was just what I was hearing or maybe it was just my teenage ignorance. So May rolled around, and Brittni first got married. Grandpa, Lacey, and Aunt Pattie were able to come out for it. Then June rolled around. My graduation. And I was really upset, because no one could come. A lot of the family was able to come out for Brittni's graduation two years before, and then they came out for Brittni's wedding. But when it was my turn, they weren't able to because they went out to visit you. Along with my jealousy towards my older sister, I felt resentment. Towards you. I was jealous, I was ignorant, and I was immature.

Like I said, I thought you were getting better. And I was so frustrated that the family made their trek out for Brittni's events and not mine. But you didn't get better. And we knew the time could be any time. I remember going to work, and I didn't feel like I should be there. It felt weird to me. I knew something was wrong. So I told my boss I needed to go home. And by the time I got home, you had already passed away.

And instantly I felt regret. And I have felt this way and been holding it in for the past five years. I can't forgive myself for being so upset at you because you were sick. And I have never told anyone of my feelings before now. Sometimes I talk out loud to you when I'm alone, hoping you can hear me. But I haven't come out and apologized. When we went to your funeral, I thought I would tell you then. But we got there, and it wasn't you. It didn't look like you, you're spirit was gone. And I don't think I have even fully mourned your passing because of that.

I'm so sorry Aunt Debbie. I hope you know deep in my heart how much I miss you and I wish you were here. We could go crabbing like we used to, and have donuts in the morning, fried chicken for lunch, and gumbo for dinner.

I think of Uncle Randy so often and I am sure you are always looking out for him. You helped him find love again, and helped him keep moving forward. I miss him just as much. I havent seen him in 5 years either. I hope some time soon, Kasey and I can make a trip down to visit him and our southern family. I know you'll continue to look out for him. You loved him very much.

I miss you Aunt Debbie, and I love you. Until we meet again, I'll be thinking of you. Love, Tabby

Frustrated

Having a hard time today. It always hits randomly and it's normally brought on by nothing. I get so frustrated with myself. I am talking to Kasey on Skype and I read too much into something he says or if he doesnt smile I automatically think something's wrong, even though really he looks quite content.

I hate having bad days, especially when my best friend isn't here to talk to, or it's night time where he is at. I understand it's just as frustrating for him too, and me acting all crazy and emotional doesn't help him out at all.

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and I'm taking it out on the person I love the most. I definitely need to catch up on my sleep and be grateful for everything that I have, because I truly am extremely lucky. Here's to a better tomorrow :)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Today I finally got all of my paperwork together and went into my boss's office to give him my 30 day notice. Now it definitely feels like a countdown and things are starting to speed up. They have agreed to let me be on a 120 leave without pay while I look for government work in Kentucky. It will be the first time in 4 and 1/2 years that I have not worked, and it will be different.

But I'm really ready for the change. It will be nice to have a small break and be able to do things with my husband, even if it's packing, sleeping in, going to the gym, shopping, moving, getting a puppy, living in the same house; just being husband and wife and experiencing all of it together.

I finally found my wedding shoes that I had been looking around for everywhere, and I found an unopened wedding card among some of our stuff. It made me think again about how wonderful of a day it really was and how it was the best day of my life; how grateful and lucky I am that Kasey picked me to marry him.

I've still been dealing with a lot of negativity. Everyone seems to have an opinion, and think that if they TELL me that something seems like a bad idea to them, that for some reason I would be obligated to do what they are telling me to. The thing is, Kasey and I are going to make our own decisions. Just because someone is going to give their negative input doesn't mean its going to affect the outcome. We will listen what you have to say, but ultimately, we have plans, we've already decided what we're going to do and how we're going to do things. It doesn't mean that everything is going to work out, but at least we will have each other, and that's all we need. We live and we learn and we're doing it together. I am thankful everyday for my husband :)

Birthday and Distance

Happy Birthday Kasey!!

Today is Kasey's Birthday. I'm so happy about it. Celebrating the birth of my favorite person. And he's not here. He's 8 time zones ahead, and technically it's not even considered his birthday anymore with what time it is. I want to be able to take him out. Show him how much I appreciate him being in my life. We didn't get to do last year's birthday either. He was in Afghanistan.

He laughs at me patiently and says, we'll have a lot of birthdays to come for the rest of our lives, and many holidays to celebrate together. I completely understand and agree. We'll get Thanksgiving and Christmas together, unlike last year.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful for the time that I have been able to spend with my husband. Other Army Wives have had to deal with this longer, soldiers have missed the birth of their children. We haven't had to go through that, and I am very thankful. And grateful as well for all of those families who have had to deal with that.

I think I'm just having a bad day today, but I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. We will have MANY holidays, birthdays, celebrations, etc to spend together.

And I don't want to be selfish. This is Kasey's day. He wants to be home and be with his family and his wife and his friends. I need to stop being whiny! But for now, I'm going to go grab his hoodie and wrap myself up in it. Then I'm going to think about November when he comes home! I miss you and I love you Kasey. I hope you had a wonderful Birthday :)

The love of my life

Woohoo for my first blog :) I don't really know how these things work, so I'm just gonna go with it. I tend to ramble. Also, I don't mean to cause offense. So always read at your own discretion.

Since this is our blog, and this selection is entitled "The love of my life", I'm sure you can deduce what my first entry will be about. Chocolate. No, but seriously, Kasey.

I have known Kasey for 8 years. He was probably one of the biggest sources of support for me during High School, and I'm still not sure to this day if he knows just how much his friendship meant for me then. We lost contact for a while after graduation, but thankfully-oddly enough-I decided to become a part of the wonderful world of facebook. And I found him. We started chatting for the next few months, but he was deployed to Afghanistan and didnt have internet connection for a couple of months. He finally got it back by the end of August 2010, and we have talked everyday since, unless he was on a mission, or either of us have been travelling.

We were married in an amazing ceremony on June 11, 2011, with our close friends and family. Walking down the aisle to him, seeing how completely handsome he looked in his tux, saying our vows to each other, sharing our first dance together, having him try and shove cake on my face, walking home after the reception was over: It will probably be one of the absolute favorite days of my life.

Being apart isnt easy. We've had our ups and downs, our stresses, our good days and bad days, supporters and people who just dont understand. Everyone has an opinion. But at the end of the day, his is the only one that matters to me. Because it is us, and our life together. No one else has to get us or understand us. I can't wait until he comes home, and we can finally start our life together.

Kasey Randall is the most loving man I have ever known. I am the luckiest woman in the world. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible. My face hurts by how much he makes me laugh and smile. He fills my heart and makes me feel like I'm going to explode from joy. He's loyal, honest, faithful, smart, caring, handsome, and goofy to name just a few things. There will never be enough words to express what he is. He is perfect to me. I am so completely in love with him, I am so lucky he picked me, and I am very blessed to have him in my life.

Kasey is my best friend, my husband, my lover, and my soulmate.