Born Free, As Free as the Wind Blows

It's been a little while. I will be making a post about some updates that Kasey and I have probably in the next day or two (if you're still following me), but this is something that I have been thinking about a lot, and I wanted to get it out there. Full disclosure: you may or may not like what you read or it may change your opinion of me, but that's the beauty of this being my blog. This is also extremely personal information, so if it begins to make you feel uncomfortable, you do not have to keep reading.

Something had been eating at me from several weeks ago, and I subconsciously wasn't letting it go. There was a conversation going on with unnamed parties (as I don't find that pertinent information to this story) discussing about instances of boyfriends being jerks and the woman had then begun dating another woman. I believe in many if not most cases when a person "jumps ship" on the gender they were dating, they are being viewed as going through a phase or doing it for attention etc. I thought I had felt this way as well, but I really don't and I have grown up and have my own thoughts and opinions separate from those of whom I was hanging out with at the time to mold my views around, to fit in.

I don't think it's fair to say that someone is wrong for wanting to date. Why does who someone else dates have to fit the mold of your own agenda. "Oh, they were in a serious relationship with a man for X amount of time, so they must date another man next." What's wrong with depending on the shoulders of your friends when you are going through a rough time and you realize you actually really like this person and you want to date them? And if they really are just testing it out, what's wrong with that?

I don't necessarily believe that it all just comes down to attraction. Of course it has a lot to do with it. But emotional connection is just as vital. What does it matter what gender? It's not as simple as "well Tabitha, look at that woman, are you sexually attracted to her? Are you sexually attracted to most women?"

Why does it have to be one or the other? When I was younger I never even envisioned having sex with a man, let alone anyone for that matter. "Do you think about other women or can you envision having sex with a woman now?" Actually no, because TMI, I envision having sex with my husband in our monogamous relationship we have.

However, I can't say where my life would be if I were not married or who I would be dating or married to. I could equally as much be with a man as I could be with a woman.

Though, with my feelings out there, because I am married to a man and have never dated a woman, I therefore can not be "considered" anything besides straight? I didn't know there conditions and hoops I need to jump through to be who I am and feel the way that I do. 

So you can stop talking to me if you want, pray for me, judge me, try to change me, tell me I'm wrong for my feelings, but this is who I am. And I hope you can love and accept me for who you perceived me to be 5 minutes ago before reading this, because unless I have somehow literally done you wrong by this, I am still the same person I have always been. Love is love.

If you've made it to the end, thank you, and I'll be posting soon about our exciting new updates :)

Some Clarity

This week is going to be a rough but doable week. Some big changes are happening at work. My boss is extremely ill. We learned he had two tumors in his brain, one in his abdomen, and one in his lung. He missed grants week and we knew something was up when he didn't come in. Last year when he had a bad cold, he was at work til all hours of the evening and the weekend, but he didn't come in at all. Thankfully he had surgery on Friday and they extracted the bigger of the two brain tumors. We'll know hopefully soon his next step in treatment and where to go from there.

It just breaks my heart because he was planning on retiring this coming January, and this happens? What kind of crap is that? He is probably one of the nicest guys. He reminds me a lot of my dad and Kasey and it really hits home. I'm trying to stay positive on his prognosis, but I don't think we'll be expecting him to come back to work, at least for awhile, and if anything he'll probably just come in to close things out. I think that is what I would do if I had less than a year til retirement.

This week will also mark the year since my due date. If we had had our baby, they would have potentially been turning one this week. Such a big milestone that we won't get to. Although Kasey and I are in a good place and ok with not having kids, sometimes it can get really rough and I need a moment. It's hard when your body doesn't do what it is supposed to do or what you want it to. It feels like a failure. Obviously there is nothing that I did and nothing that I could have done. It's hard to express what I mean.

One thing that seemed like such a coincidence or something meant to be is when we adopted our new kitties in July. When we went to Petsmart and fell in love with that little black fuzzball I knew I had to have him. As we received the paperwork I looked at his birthday and it was 3/15, the same week as what our estimated due date had been. He is turning one this week.

 

I know Nox is a cat, but he is exactly what we needed. He is like our little fuzzy baby. He talks back, he cuddles, he plays with his food, and makes a mess. He makes me feel better when I don't feel well, makes me happy when I feel sad, and he makes me laugh. He doesn't seem bonded to Lumos like they said he was, but I don't think our little family would feel as complete if we had come home without him either. I wish people would understand the connection I feel with our little monsters and not laugh at me haha

Kasey is SO close to graduating. Just a couple months left. He has begun applying for jobs on base and at the VA as well as other places. I am so excited for him and proud of how far he has come. I can't wait for his next steps.

Some job opportunities may be coming up for me. I am not going to hold my breath, but I am going to work hard for it and see where it takes me. I'll keep you updated if it progresses. I am going to try and keep my positivity and not let the stress of things to come deter me from where I'm trying to go.

So You Won the Jackpot...What Now?

By now, you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that the Powerball is at a $1.5 billion jackpot, and that number could-and will most likely-change by tomorrow. I bet you've thought about what you'd like to do with the money. But have you really thought about it? Like had a serious thought about what might happen if you actually did beat the staggering odds and won the money?

I think it's a good idea to write this down. What is the first thing that really comes to your mind?What's the second? And the third? If you wanted to, who would you give money to? Would you donate any money? Think about it seriously, what would it mean to you to win?

Now look at your list. These are your goals, your hopes and dreams. Some things may seem extravagant, and some things may be actual things that you are striving for that could actually happen. You don't need to win the lotto to make your dreams come true. Sure, it will take a hell of a lot of hard work and time and energy, but if you strive for it, it can happen.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't be nice to win, and though money isn't everything, it can help you reach your dreams faster, SO your odds of winning may seem extremely slim, but you will never win if you don't go out and try. The same as you won't accomplish your goals if you wait for money to fall into your lap.

Good luck everyone!

Existential

Trying to figure out who you are as a person is never-ending. Who you are, who you’re going to be, where you’re going. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m still working it out. I’m still growing up. Am I past the point I should be to actually figuring it all out?

 

High School is never over. The judging never stops. People’s opinions and comments come at you. They find you and tear at you, leaving their marks as they go. You’re judged for being too different. But when you try to fit in, they call you fake and remark on your inability to do anything right.

 

As you grow up, you realize that kids are mean and you learn to get over it. You can forgive, but it is so hard to forget. It’s hard to forget someone shoving letters in my locker with the word “Poser” written over and over on it, letters that were from my friends. It’s hard to forget being teased for the way that I looked: “Four Eyes” “Big Nose” “Your clothes are so dark. Are you trying to be goth?” “Your hair is so short. Why’d you cut it like that? Now you look like a boy.” It’s hard to forget being the new girl in a new state in a new school with no friends “Why do you talk like that?” “What’s your religion? Wow, you believe in something else? You tripped me by looking at me, you must be a witch”  It’s hard to forget being called a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend in High School, but somehow also a rumor going around that I was a whore that slept with the entire football team, even though I never knew anyone on the team.

 

I can let it go in the sense that I see the humor in how people didn’t know me, or were young and aren’t that way now; in how these are silly, unimportant things, that shouldn’t affect me anymore.

 

But some days it does. It affects me in the way that I feel about myself. It affects me in the way that I programmed myself growing up. It makes me question myself. Will I be good enough? Will I be smart enough? What am I going to do wrong?

 

And the judgments don’t stop when you graduate. People questioning your life choices: If you get married too soon or not soon enough. What is too soon? Who decides that? People questioning your decision on who to date or who not to date. People questioning where you work. People questioning your beliefs, your stances, your opinions. If it’s different than theirs then it is automatically wrong. “Oh you like guns? You must be ok with people murdering other people.” “You’re a hunter? You must be heartless.” “You eat meat? That’s disgusting.” Or it’s the way that you look: “You look like you’ve gained weight.” “You’ve lost weight? You’re too skinny.” “You have tattoos? You must not value your body or your self-image or self-worth. You must not want a good job.” Or about things that you have no control over: “Why don’t you have kids yet? You’re running out of time.”

 

It’s thoughtless. Thoughtless comments, about things that aren’t anybody’s business, that shouldn’t matter. But they do sometimes. Why is that?

 

These comments seem so asinine that there’s no way people have actually said them, right? Maybe I am just imagining that people are thinking these things about me? And if I am, what got me to that point? But they must have been said at least once for the idea to be there in the first place right? The questions that you ask yourself: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I doing something wrong?

 

I want to write books. I enjoy it. It helps me clear my head. I have so many ideas. But I seem to have an increased crippling fear of being judged that I can’t even get my thoughts straight to write them down. And it’s not like I plan on having anyone ever reading them in the first place. But maybe it isn’t a fear of being judged. Maybe it’s a fear of “what if”? What if they are good? What if people would actually like them? Then I am putting myself out there. Am I ready for that?

 

Then the fear of the unknown hits randomly. Am I running out of time? When is it going to be up? Life can be so very short. What am I going to accomplish? Am I focusing on the wrong things? Why do I worry so much about things I can’t control?

 

Most days I am doing good. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a job, a car, a house, adorable pets that make me happy, and a wonderful husband who loves me for the quirky person that I am even when I have dark days.

 

So then the task comes to building myself up. There are only so many things people can say to make you feel good about yourself. You need to work on making yourself feel better too. I am good enough. I am smart enough. I’m not doing anything wrong. My husband believes in me. I need to start showing that I believe in me too.

Summer Is Only Just Beginning

I really need to keep up on this. I just read my last post about all of the things I had hoped to have finished by the next time I wrote and that hasn't happened. BUT I think we hope to get the baseboards done soon, and then we can have people over. Summer has "officially" started, so it would be great to have a get together.

Mother's Day passed. It just makes me think hard about some things. Part of me is quite fine with it just being Kasey and I. Other times it's frustrating. But I'm learning to cope while we decide what is best for us and focusing on the NOW.

However you know the phrase "baby hungry"? Well I am "fur-baby hungry". It doesn't help that this month all cats above a year old at the humane society are free. Then I think, wait, do I want a cat or a dog? And then I get annoyed with the pets I already have and then just decide it would be best to have no pets at all haha

I don't think Yzzy would be very happy with us if we came home with another furball like her. She likes to think she is the queen of the house. And we still can't decide on what kind of dog we would get if we got one. I am adamant I want a German or Australian Shepherd. Kasey wants a Lab.

The garden is growing nicely. And the new grass is getting there. With the heat, the soil is drying up so quickly and we are trying to constantly keep it wet. I actually should be out there right now to give the garden some water, but the neighbors are outside and Chester can't be running around barking at them. We just got him fixed yesterday. Hopefully he'll start listening to me more....Probably not though haha

I'm having issues focusing. I want to write all of the time, but it's always when I am not able to, like at work or driving. But by the time I get home, I am so exhausted that I just want to relax and have lost the motivation to move my lazy arms to reach for the computer. And my brain is so melted by then that nothing would really come flowing out at that point. I honestly feel that if I had a week away from all distractions and responsibilities that I could get a good amount of any of my books done. But I can't really just shut myself off from everything and everyone.

Work has been good. Even if I complain about it, I still have had worse experiences in previous jobs. Basically every job has it's issues and we learn from them for future experiences. I think growing up has a bit to do with it as well. I am able to take more stress and frustrations than I used to be. It doesn't mean it isn't exhausting though and that I don't need to take those "mental health days" to get away from the bullshit every now and then. But I do my best to focus on my work, and have been going in on the weekends and working a lot of overtime to take care of all the extra duties I take on.

Kasey doesn't have much longer with school. He should be able to graduate at the end of the next spring semester! And then he can start trying to get a job at the VA (or wherever he wants). I am so proud of him and everything he has been able to accomplish. He's done an amazing job taking care of our little family. I like to believe that we make a wonderful team.

Well, the heat is on outside and summer is only just beginning. I can't imagine how much hotter it can get, I don't even want to try to. It's supposed to be in the hundreds next week. I think I'll be spending a lot of time lying on the floor trying not to die. Maybe we'll eventually move farther north....

Snapping Back to Reality

Well I didn't write in here in February, so I already fail with writing at least once a month. But I'm forcing myself to sit down and type since I took a day off!

Today would have been my due date. I know babies don't always come on their due dates; it's an estimation. But since today was the date I was given it's been sticking with me, and I knew it would just be nice to not go to work today thinking "I should be in labor potentially right now".

I think I've been doing better with our decision to not try for kids. But I still have my random bad days. I think sometimes things just hit me hard like when people announce or talk about their symptoms and post their names that I'm pretty sure I had mentioned we had planned to use. But hey, you had your baby first. Other days though these things don't bother me. So then my reactions make me feel crazy and bad for feeling this way. Maybe I'm not doing better....hahaha

There was this competition to win an Inn in Maine that I saw randomly online (and then it was all over the news), and I just had a light bulb and decided I would absolutely put in for that. Why not, you know? I had small doubts but I squashed them. I was so determined. Even if I didn't get it, and $125 is a good amount of money I could spend on other things, I thought it would be nice for someone else to win it and my entry helped make it happen. But then randomly I was on their Facebook page and someone posted about needing to take out a loan to pay for the approximate $400,000 taxes and such. 

I was probably a bit naive to think it would be so simple as to win a place for a 200 word essay and $125. But as soon as I had seen the competition I just HAD to go for it. So many ideas popped into my head with what we could do with it. I definitely had this whole idea for Veteran retreats and discounts as well as other things. I knew that I wasn't a chef or hadn't managed a hotel, or inn, or anything like that, but I had the drive and the determination to absolutely make it work!

So now I'm snapping back to reality, and I don't think that I'm going to put in for it, BUT it planted that little seed of what I want to work for. Kasey still wants to own a guide service and I would love to have a retreat of some kind for Veterans. I just need to work harder, write more, and save more and just believe that we can make it happen.

Our house is coming along nicely. I want to get our baseboards in and then we can have a housewarming party! I just think it would feel so much more complete with those baseboards in. It's weird, I know. The weather is warming up and we're working on the yard. When I say "we", I mean mostly Kasey. He has been phenomenal! He's so happy with a yard to work on. I think it makes him feel super manly ;)

Hopefully by the next time I post, we will be ready for our get together and I will be able to post before and after pictures of our progress we've made. I can't wait!

So You Want To Start A Resolution

Ha, see what I did there with the title? I thought it was clever, 'cus of the new year and all. Once again I'm saying "It's been a while", because it has. I actually only wrote on here twice the entire last year. I definitely plan to be writing in here more often; if not, then at least once a month.

Also, again I will be saying, I have been reflecting on a lot of stuff. I think most people do with a new year starting and an old one ending. A lot happened last year. A few things were: two surgeries, one miscarriage, two ER visits (one for each of us), my best friend lost her mom, hunting trips, anniversary trip, we lost one of our friends, some of our grandparents had some health scares, our 5th Christmas as a married couple (one while he was in Afghanistan, 4 together), new house, new car, normal stuff like work and school. It seems like a lot went on last year and I want to talk about all of it, but then that would be a horribly long post. We know I'm not afraid of typing long posts, I just don't know if I'd be able to show justice to how my thoughts and feelings were at the time since I was lazy and didn't type out about them sooner. 

That's one thing I'm really frustrated about: I did not keep up with writing like I thought I would. I can't remember the last time I wrote for my book. And like I said, I only wrote here in my blog twice last year. As well as my goal to write more in here, I hope to write more in general, especially my book ideas. I have so many ideas and I really want to get them out. It really makes me feel better when I write. It makes me feel less crazy when I get my ideas out instead of them jumbling around together in my head.

Our house is coming along wonderfully. Kasey was even working on some paint yesterday and today. It looks so nice. I know I need to do a picture update (on here and on Facebook) to show just how much of a difference it is from when we bought it. It still doesn't feel completely real that we have a house. Some things we still need to do to it is more painting, baseboards and some decorating. I seriously need to go through my clothes and clean this place up. I think it was so overwhelming with everything going on that I have left boxes packed and stuff just laying around on the floor. It's a huge project and I'm still adjusting. But I want to get it ALL done soon so we can finally have a housewarming party!

Christmas was really great this year. We spent a good amount of time with family and we were able to get each other pretty much everything on our lists, or at least very close to everything. Kasey got me every CD I asked for. He was so determined. I was able to get him a bit of hunting stuff that he'll be able to use. I know he wants a boat and we weren't able to get that yet, but I'm hoping it won't have to be too long before we are able to.

I never really set resolutions but last year we did and surprisingly I think we accomplished about half of them. I can't fully remember, but I saw the list last month. I don't know if I want to make an actual resolution list, but maybe mostly a goal list that I want to continuously work on, even when the year has ended.

I would like to continue working out. I started after recovering from my first surgery towards the beginning of last year and I have kept up with it on and off since then. I find that even though I'm tired after working out, I tend to feel a little better all around.

Like I said before, I want to continue finding time to write. I mean, I want to set some time aside to actually make myself sit down and write. It makes me feel better mentally. I also want to keep my hands more busy again when I'm not writing, like crocheting. I haven't done that in a while either and I feel like my stress and anxiety has been higher since I haven't used my outlets basically at all. I definitely need to work on my anxiety better.

I want to be a better friend and be less flaky. I think a lot of that has to come from how I feel, which is tired all the time or lazy or what have you. I seriously have so much more fun sitting around playing games or watching movies than going out. But it's not always what I want to do and I really need to show that I do want to spend time with my friends. I definitely could at least make more of an effort.

I also feel the same way with being around the house. I want to be a better wife than I have been. As I said, I have been slacking on the unpacking deal. Kasey has been amazing. All of his stuff was unpacked and set up relatively quickly. His hunting room is all set up and it looks so presentable. I think basically if I were not living here, the house would be good enough already for the housewarming party to have happened a couple of months ago.

I think when people set realistic goals, they are more prone to accomplish them if they give it the effort in the first place. Of course, it's always fun to add crazy things to the list to keep it interesting. And not everything has to be on the list for it to be just as exciting if it happens. Every small or big thing can be viewed as an accomplishment or a goal finished. It's all in the eye of the beholder. So, my my goal, I should be writing in here in at least a months time again, if not sooner. We'll see!