So You Want To Start A Resolution

Ha, see what I did there with the title? I thought it was clever, 'cus of the new year and all. Once again I'm saying "It's been a while", because it has. I actually only wrote on here twice the entire last year. I definitely plan to be writing in here more often; if not, then at least once a month.

Also, again I will be saying, I have been reflecting on a lot of stuff. I think most people do with a new year starting and an old one ending. A lot happened last year. A few things were: two surgeries, one miscarriage, two ER visits (one for each of us), my best friend lost her mom, hunting trips, anniversary trip, we lost one of our friends, some of our grandparents had some health scares, our 5th Christmas as a married couple (one while he was in Afghanistan, 4 together), new house, new car, normal stuff like work and school. It seems like a lot went on last year and I want to talk about all of it, but then that would be a horribly long post. We know I'm not afraid of typing long posts, I just don't know if I'd be able to show justice to how my thoughts and feelings were at the time since I was lazy and didn't type out about them sooner. 

That's one thing I'm really frustrated about: I did not keep up with writing like I thought I would. I can't remember the last time I wrote for my book. And like I said, I only wrote here in my blog twice last year. As well as my goal to write more in here, I hope to write more in general, especially my book ideas. I have so many ideas and I really want to get them out. It really makes me feel better when I write. It makes me feel less crazy when I get my ideas out instead of them jumbling around together in my head.

Our house is coming along wonderfully. Kasey was even working on some paint yesterday and today. It looks so nice. I know I need to do a picture update (on here and on Facebook) to show just how much of a difference it is from when we bought it. It still doesn't feel completely real that we have a house. Some things we still need to do to it is more painting, baseboards and some decorating. I seriously need to go through my clothes and clean this place up. I think it was so overwhelming with everything going on that I have left boxes packed and stuff just laying around on the floor. It's a huge project and I'm still adjusting. But I want to get it ALL done soon so we can finally have a housewarming party!

Christmas was really great this year. We spent a good amount of time with family and we were able to get each other pretty much everything on our lists, or at least very close to everything. Kasey got me every CD I asked for. He was so determined. I was able to get him a bit of hunting stuff that he'll be able to use. I know he wants a boat and we weren't able to get that yet, but I'm hoping it won't have to be too long before we are able to.

I never really set resolutions but last year we did and surprisingly I think we accomplished about half of them. I can't fully remember, but I saw the list last month. I don't know if I want to make an actual resolution list, but maybe mostly a goal list that I want to continuously work on, even when the year has ended.

I would like to continue working out. I started after recovering from my first surgery towards the beginning of last year and I have kept up with it on and off since then. I find that even though I'm tired after working out, I tend to feel a little better all around.

Like I said before, I want to continue finding time to write. I mean, I want to set some time aside to actually make myself sit down and write. It makes me feel better mentally. I also want to keep my hands more busy again when I'm not writing, like crocheting. I haven't done that in a while either and I feel like my stress and anxiety has been higher since I haven't used my outlets basically at all. I definitely need to work on my anxiety better.

I want to be a better friend and be less flaky. I think a lot of that has to come from how I feel, which is tired all the time or lazy or what have you. I seriously have so much more fun sitting around playing games or watching movies than going out. But it's not always what I want to do and I really need to show that I do want to spend time with my friends. I definitely could at least make more of an effort.

I also feel the same way with being around the house. I want to be a better wife than I have been. As I said, I have been slacking on the unpacking deal. Kasey has been amazing. All of his stuff was unpacked and set up relatively quickly. His hunting room is all set up and it looks so presentable. I think basically if I were not living here, the house would be good enough already for the housewarming party to have happened a couple of months ago.

I think when people set realistic goals, they are more prone to accomplish them if they give it the effort in the first place. Of course, it's always fun to add crazy things to the list to keep it interesting. And not everything has to be on the list for it to be just as exciting if it happens. Every small or big thing can be viewed as an accomplishment or a goal finished. It's all in the eye of the beholder. So, my my goal, I should be writing in here in at least a months time again, if not sooner. We'll see!

Over Before it Fully Began

It's been a long while since I've written. I've been busy, I didn't know what to write, then I had something to write about, but I didn't want to. Not just yet anyway. And then I had worries and didn't want to write about it, not until things got better. And then they didn't. But I'm writing about it all now, because I really need to get my feelings out. Maybe it will feel better. So I'll just come right out with it.

On July 19th, I woke up and took a test. And a second line popped up next to the control line. Mind you, this was not any faint line. It was pretty visible. Immediately I texted my sister wanting to know if she gave me an expired test. I started shaking. I have never had a line pop up like that. My sister came and got me and we bought another test. One that is supposed to read hormone levels better. I chugged some water and waited until I had to go. I took two tests this time, of two varieties. The other one could have been a false positive. But it wasn't, because the lines popped up on both tests, extremely visible: I was pregnant.

Finally. In our 32nd month of trying, a bright line finally emerged for us. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I hadn't stopped shaking since earlier. How was I going to tell Kasey? I didn't know if I was supposed to be ecstatic or apprehensive. Brittni and I went to the store and bought some buns. I came home and tossed the test inside the bun, and threw it in the oven. Then I told Kasey I got something for him (he had just woken up since he works weekends). I got it on video. The excitement on his face was captured and it was a wonderful feeling all around. We were going to have a baby.

July 24th I woke up extremely early. I wanted to beat all of the crowds trying to find a way to work since most of the streets would be be closed headed up to the VA. I wasn't feeling well at all and (TMI) when I used the restroom, there was blood in the toilet. There wasn't a ton and it wasn't clotted so I tried to not get stressed out. It could be completely normal. But I still felt ill and kept having to adjust the air between hot and cold in the Jeep on the drive, deciding on what felt better. I arrived about 15 minutes before 5am. 

I started to settle in. I turned my computer on like every morning, and got my files out to start working. I had just emailed my boss to let him know I was early and that I wasn't feeling well so maybe I could leave early instead of getting overtime, when I started to feel sick. I was dizzy. So extremely dizzy and I felt like I was cross eyed and that I couldn't catch my breath. I thought maybe if I laid down for a second, it would go away. As soon as I sat on the floor, I felt like I was going to throw up. Since we have carpet (crappy old carpet, but carpet nonetheless), I hopped up really fast, and grabbed my keys to the supply closet. There's a women's bathroom attached, and it's private enough so no one would hear me spewing my brains out. I reached the office door, which I kept closed, because it was early and I was alone and scared of creepers, and my vision already start to go. It was less that 30 feet I figured down the hall. Everything was so blurry and I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out at any minute. Time moved so slowly and I felt like I was swimming underwater trying to get to the supply closet. I was almost there. I barely got my key in the door when everything went black.

When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes and became hyper aware of how heavy I was breathing but couldn't open my eyes or mouth, and just how much I was sweating. Eventually I felt like I could move my body. I was laying on the ground, flat on my stomach with my arms awkwardly underneath my chest and my legs straight, toes pointed. I still to this day do not remember opening the door, closing the door (it was fully closed behind me), or laying down on the ground. I got scared. Did I fall on my stomach? What does this mean? Is it because I was bleeding a little earlier? I hadn't told barely anyone about it and who was I going to call at 5am? I crawled the rest of the way into the bathroom and closed the door. I could barely lift my head without feeling so completely sick. 

So I laid there, for who knows how long. Then I texted my coworker Nikki. She called campus police and they came up to me. At that point I could move a little better and I could breathe. I got up and went back to my office, making sure I left the door open and the air flowing in felt amazing. The police arrived and since I am in an "out building" they called 911. There was so much going on when they arrived. I was a mess. I'm terrified that something is wrong. I think I am losing the baby. I tell them, by doctor calculations I should be approximately 6 weeks pregnant. They take my blood pressure and its fine. They check my blood levels and they're fine. There's like 10 people just standing all around staring at me as I'm having a breakdown, and they say I should probably take the short jaunt over to the hospital in the ambulance. They want to make sure I'm ok. "What if you try and drive home and you pass out again?" So, by a small amount of peer pressure, I say sure. And they make me lay on the bright yellow gurney and take me out to the ambulance. The ride lasts about 5 minutes and we arrive at 6:10am. 

Long story short, it was a horrible day. I did not get home until 10:30pm. They did many ultrasounds and said they didn't see anything in my uterus. They did a pelvic and said there were some clots and that I most likely miscarried. Kasey came and spent the entire day with me while I was in and out of it because of nausea meds. They drew blood many times throughout the day. They said it was a syncope and were worried about my heart because my pulse was extremely high (I had been experiencing tightness of the chest for a few days before the incident). 

Kasey had to leave early because he was supposed to work extra that night so my Mother in law and Stepfather in law came to get me and drove me home. This was not the way I had wanted to tell anyone. I had so many ideas how to come out to our parents, and instead it was like "Hey Tabitha got a positive test but it looks like she may have miscarried. Can you come and get her? I have to work overtime and they won't release her." Definitely not an exciting, burst in the room with an adorable "I'm pregnant!" shirt.

Two days later I went back for a scheduled blood draw. I called later that evening and to my surprise, my numbers had more than doubled. That was extremely good news. We were once again, excited, but apprehensive. We decided to let our other parents know, so they were in on everything since I went to the hospital. I was still disappointed it wouldn't be a surprise. We WERE able to surprise Kasey's dad and stepmom because we got the good numbers news and we decided to get a good reaction for the first time in person and I got his reaction on my phone as well and it made us feel good inside knowing that all of our parents were so happy for us. We went to a few appointments and there was actually a black spot that finally showed up and he said that it was the gestational sac and that the baby would be visible in a few weeks. 

Previously I thought that the Randall Family BBQ would be a good time to tell people, but the closer it got, the more I felt like it was too early to tell anyone. All this time I had been dealing with major nausea and working with food aversions, tummy aches, increasingly sore boobs, all sorts of symptoms. I actually started to get so excited. We were supposed to see something the next time we went in to the doctor. That was the 12th. At that point we should have even seen a heartbeat potentially. All there was, was a black empty void.

The gestational sac was there in my uterus. But there was no baby, no yolk sac. Just nothing. Immediately the doctor starts apologizing, to the point that I feared he may have forgotten how to speak other words. He said to come back in a week and that my risk of miscarriage went up to 40-50%. That was definitely not how Kasey or I thought the appointment would go at all. I went in thinking I was going to see a little baby in there. Our little baby. And I saw a hole. I started to get upset, but Kasey said it's not over. It could still be too early and we can't get upset yet. I tried to suck it up. But I have to admit I did a horrible job. And then I began to feel different.

Even though I was tired and still nauseous, it wasn't to the degree I had been before. My boobs were still sore, but not as sensitive as before. I didn't have my newly acquired all cheese flavor, all the time craving anymore. Several people had said before that they "just knew" when they were pregnant or they felt like they weren't alone. I didn't have that feeling at all anymore. I mean, obviously I had Kasey there. But I didn't have a distinct feeling like everyone else had described to me.

So I had my next appointment this afternoon. I didn't have high hopes. Does that sound negative? Yes, I'm sure it does. But I was also being realistic. I really didn't feel pregnant anymore. It didn't feel real. I didn't see a heartbeat. I didn't even see anything. How was something just supposed to sprout in 7 days time? I was never to find out. Because he did the ultrasound again and it was confirmed that there was no baby in the gestational sac. 

I have what is called a Blighted Ovum. Basically it is when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but it doesn't develop into an embryo. I called him back in the room before I left and asked him, "What are our chances that it is still too early to see anything?" He was short and to the point, "None." So I will be having a D&C next Wednesday to remove everything from my uterus. 

This will be miscarriage three for us in the 33 months since we started trying. This was the farthest I have ever gotten into a pregnancy, so to say the least, it feels extremely devastating at this point. It's overwhelming how many unanswered questions I feel have.

Kasey is out of town right now, and I almost decided to get the procedure done while he was gone, because then the dog wouldn't be here and it would be a quiet recovery time. But he requested I wait for him to get back so he can be here for me. Kasey has been my rock through everything so far. He has been so amazing and so patient and kind through all of this. He's taken care of me tremendously. He's off on his hunt and I know he absolutely needs this time as well. It's a week off from school. He's been so busy with going to school full time and working part time on the weekends and doing so much around the house and taking care of me. He really needs this vacation he is on and I am more than happy to wait for him, because he wants to be a part of everything that I go through. Because it's not just me, it's us. "In sickness and in health." This is a big loss for him too.

Immediately, since I feel overwhelmed with everything that bothers me when I am upset, I became worried about another procedure, when we are STILL paying off the last one I had. Not to mention we still haven't received the ER bill, and the ambulance bill for $1500 needs to be sent back to the insurance. But of course Kasey's calm words reach me. "We will make it work. We have always made it work. And we will continue to make it work. Don't worry about that."

But I AM asking for potential help next week just in case. I am unsure of what we need now. But if the possibility arises, we may need help with the dog. Kasey will be at school, unsure of his hours (and he just told me today, but I am forgetful) but it won't be too much during the day. However, on the weekend I may need some help with the dog while Kasey is at work or resting between shifts. Any volunteers would be wonderful in case we need to contact you. We have a hard time asking for help, but I am doing it now, because it's going to be a lot to take on next week. New year of school, his work, my work, procedure, and so on.

Thank you so much for those that have supported us on this. I hope everyone can understand that this is a better outlet for us, instead of contacting every single person, one by one and explaining the upsetting news over and over again. I feel like I have much more to say, but maybe it's best to leave it how it is now, and I can update you all on everything else later.

Today is My 111th Birthday!

The holidays are over and gone. It was really great spending them with Kasey and seeing family and I genuinely enjoyed the holidays. It was fun shopping for Kasey and wrapping his presents. And New Year's passed as well. We have a few goals including saving money and getting toned. 

Work has been going really well and I was telling Kasey tonight at dinner how much I really love it. It's so different from what I'm used to. I mean, obviously there's a lot that is the same, especially lately with the stress picking up with the amount of orders that keep popping up in my emails. But I love it. There's so much less drama in my department than I've ever had at any job. Everyone at work not in Research seems to hate their job so much and there's so much stress and drama for them. And I feel bad talking about how amazing it is to have a great boss and good people to work with.

It's my 26th birthday today. I cannot believe that I am 26 today. I've gotten several comments today about how I look barely 20 and that feels really great. I think it feels kind of bittersweet mostly because our 26th month of trying for kids is just about over. I feel better today about it than I did last week. Today hasn't been so bad. I've just come to not expect or plan big things for my birthday anymore. So Kasey and I just got back from a nice dinner at Red Robins. It was really tasty and it's a nice quiet evening like I really enjoy and it's all I could ask for. Kasey got me new running shoes, a really nice workout hoodie, and a couple of bottles of wine.

I had a doctors appointment last Thursday. With the pain that keeps increasing and a new good sized cyst that was found, I will be having surgery next Wednesday or the one after. I have a followup tomorrow to finalize a date. It seems like its happening really quick. But we had the conversation a couple of months ago, so I mostly knew it was coming. I had been hoping that we would be pregnant instead, but such is life. 

So this will be the next step to moving forward and getting me to feel better. We appreciate all of the support that comes our way. I'm scared and nervous. But we need answers and I need to feel better. And Kasey has been a wonderful support and is always on my side and I love having someone there for me the way he is. It's really great. and he puts up with a lot of my shit, ie: being sick or having something wrong with me ALL THE TIME. He's my rock :)

Next Step

It's been a while since I've posted and a few things have changed. For starters for those of you that didn't know, I have a job! I started September 23rd. I'm back up at the VA and I'm getting the same pay as I was before (technically 500 bucks a year more). I was hired as Secretary for Research. I've mostly been purchasing so far.

Not long after I got hired, Kasey and I signed for an apartment. We moved in mid-October. It's small, but we can manage for a year while we get money figured out and Kasey works on his credit. Then we'll be able to start looking at houses! We have both Yzzy and Chester back. Yzzy still needs to get acclimated to Chester again. She's even more neurotic than I remember. We're having some problems with Chester being even more stubborn than before lately also.

Living alone together with just Kasey and I feels weird. We hadn't lived alone together since the beginning of January. We need to get back into the groove of things but I like it. It's exciting and fun.

November marked our 24th month of trying to get pregnant. It's definitely been a rough time. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. Basically I'll probably be having another surgery in January some time, but the date isn't set in stone. I'll be going back to see him at the beginning of year and come up with a game plan and Kasey and I are just going to try and relax and enjoy the holidays together. This will be our 4th Christmas as a couple (he was in Afghanistan for our first). I can't believe how much time has passed.

I've been working on my writing a little more. I've got 22 pages done. 22 pages probably doesn't seem like much to a lot of people, but that's really great for me. I haven't been writing much at home at all. If I did, I'm sure I'd have so much more done. But my idea is coming along nicely and this rough draft is getting most of my good ideas down, and then I'll go back in and add more stuff. It makes me feel accomplished to write. I've just been distracted because I've really gotten into playing Skyrim and it just sucks me in when I have other things I need to do.

I'm really feeling Christmas this year. I'm so excited and all I want to do is get out and shop even though we don't have a ton of funds at the moment. I can't wait to get the tree up and decorate. I need to get more ingredients and make my favorite tea(however I can't find the recipe). I've been enjoying a ton of egg nog...maybe too much. And I really just want apple pie all the time. Now all we need is some snow!!

The deer season just ended. Kasey is pretty bummed he didn't get anything. But that just means he'll try harder next year. And I'll be going with since I've got my hunter's safety! I'm mostly really excited to try for an elk. He's doing really well in school and still working security on the weekends. I'm really proud of him :)

That's pretty much it for now. Just a normal update. I know I wanted to write more, but I always go blank whenever I'm getting to write on this.

Growth

As the title suggests, I've been reflective again lately. Mostly because 9/11 just passed. I got on Facebook a few times and "liked" things, but I didn't want to write anything. What I was feeling was so much more that the small amount of characters that are allowed in a status update. It just made me remember where I was at the time, and what was going on in my life.

Some of the details are a little fuzzy, but I was just starting 8th grade, and I was 13 years old. We lived in Texas at the time, so we were one time zone behind everything on the east coast. I can't remember if it was the first or second bell of the day to let us in the building, but I know one rang at 8:15 in the morning, just over ten minutes after the second plane flew into the towers. We of course didn't know anything at the time. We were getting ready to go in, focused on making it to class on time. I remember I was talking with my friend Ruby.

I don't remember much of the time I spent at school. I do remember a lot of people were absent the first period, and then throughout the course of the time I was at school, people were being called out of class, more and more. And then I was called out. My mother was picking me up. I'm not sure what time that was at, but it didn't seem like a big deal; I was just getting to leave school early. And then I got home and my sister was already there, and I was bummed that she got out earlier than me.

I sat down in front of the TV and everything that was happening was on. I remember them showing the plane fly into the tower over and over again. The first time it happened, I was on my knees in the middle of the living room floor watching, and I remember clasping my hand over my mouth in shock. What was happening?

We spent the whole day watching everything that was happening. I think everything stopped for us, and everything was on lock down. We had no idea how many planes there were, and I swear there were reports of some heading for the base?  I know we were worried about what would happen since my dad was in the Air Force. I remember it being dark outside, and us still watching the footage, replaying the plane, replaying the falling towers, showing the devastation, people sifting through the rubble, people in the streets crying. I do remember being upset. I wasn't too young to not know exactly what was happening. I just didn't know to what extent. But I was upset, and I was scared. I was so sad, because those were huge buildings. And it felt like we were so close to it, like it was right in our state, even though it was over 1,800 miles away. 

Then we needed to focus again on our lives, and what was going on with us. We were moving, in less that 12 days time. There was so much change going on at once. I was worried that my dad would have to go back to war. And we were moving states. 

Growing up is not easy at all. It makes me upset thinking about how mean people are. And how no matter where you go there will be bullies. I was bullied in Texas. And I was bullied here in Utah. There were a lot of times I wanted to quit school. When I graduated, I wanted to have a shirt that said "I survived School".  It was a huge feat. And yet, you don't stop growing after you graduate.

Everyone can say it, and I will. I've been through a lot. And Kasey and I have been through a lot together. We've hit lows, we've struggled paycheck to paycheck, we've gone negative more than a handful of times. And those were times when they were things we needed like food and a home. I could go into details about everything that has happened to us, but I won't because I don't want to dwell on it all.

What happens to us shapes who we become, and how we choose to move forward. It's ever-changing. Sometimes I think I would like a little bit of good monotony, but I'm sure that it would get boring after a while.

I don't think I would be the person I am now if I weren't bullied. That can be a good and a bad statement. I have several problems like bad depression and anxiety problems. I have been on many medications. I have gone to therapy. But I think I am also a different person than when I was a teenager. I am still working on getting better, trust me. But the hardships have also taught me a lot. I still have bad days, and especially with being back in Utah and feeling like we were stuck in limbo.

I have to be honest, I definitely feel like my emotions got the better of me, and it was harder to contain them the longer I had to wait to get a job. I felt very dark and I don't know how Kasey put up with me. 

But I finally feel like our next chapter has started and things look clearer. Instead of just looking at houses online, wishing that we could get one, we can actually look and be like "I can see myself living here," and make plans on home loans or a rental. We can start the move forward to fix the jeep, then trade it in, and get another vehicle for me. I can NOT wait to blast my music with the windows down. M83 came on this evening while I was driving and it just took me back to when I had my beetle and would just go for night drives to make myself happy, and I felt happy tonight. I have felt happy since I got a job offer. We can get insurance and I can go to the doctor so we can get the ball rolling on starting a family. We can make plans, and not have them be "wishful thinking", they can actually be plans that we set up and carry out.

There's one documentary on 9/11 that I feel like I need to watch. I don't know if it's a perspective thing, or maybe I'm just weird. I cry every time. I get goosebumps every time. And it makes me sad. But it makes me grateful to be alive, and have what I have. It's just called 9/11 and its by Jules and Gideon Naudet and James Hanlon. It aired on TV six months after the attack and I remember watching it. There was a warning before it saying that they will not be editing the language from it, it is real emotion, real life, real people, our heroes and their human emotions, such as fear, sadness, worry, and anger. I remembered they aired it a couple times afterward through the years. But then it stopped. And that one stayed with me. I don't know why. All of the documentaries were sad. But I just really needed to watch this one. These guys just happened to be there making a documentary on a probie firefighter and they caught the first plane flying into the tower, they were inside the North Tower when the South Tower fell, they were just a couple of blocks away when the last one fell. And I found it for sale at Walmart a year ago and I had to purchase it and watch it. I recommend that documentary above all others. It's not just looking at outside footage and pictures of the fallen, I feel like it is an even closer depth of the people that gave their lives. I don't know how to explain it.

There's another thing I recommend to watch, to put things in perspective for you, to motivate you. I watched it last night, and it definitely makes me want to focus on my hobby of writing a little more. It made me question myself, but instantly I wanted to move forward with it, and that is also a progress of mine compared to how I used to be before. It was J.K. Rowling's commencement speech for the 2008 Harvard class. It's just 20 minutes, but it's extremely powerful, and I think it would benefit a lot of people who watch it.

Wow, I'm definitely rambling. And I'm sure I forgot things I wanted to put in here. But that's not new haha I hope I haven't bored whoever is reading this.

Scatterbrained

I feel like my mind has been all over the place.I guess in a sense that's good since I have been mostly all focused on finding a job. Not that that is not in the forefront of my mind, because it is. I still haven't gotten anything yet. And it is insanely stressing. Here it is, the end of the month, and I still have nothing to show for it. I am at a loss to why this is happening. But I try my hardest finding a job that can help support us, and that is all I can do. I wish people liked me! ;)

Other things that have been occupying my thoughts are my stories. I keep coming up with so many ideas and I need to get them out or my head starts to hurt. I have several that I am working on right now. I love it. I love writing and getting everything down. I'm sure they're not that good, but that would be amazing if I could sell them. Then again, I haven't had any college, and it seems like a lot of people who write books have a little college under their belt, and I don't. Maybe eventually, we'll see.

I have so many ideas. They're not all the same. Some may be supernatural, and then others aren't at all, and they're just real life. I love being in my own little worlds. When they cross over, it's a little hard and I need to focus and narrow a lot of my ideas down. But they are all on the down low and I haven't let anyone read them. I'm not that far along anyway. I think it will make me feel accomplished to get them done, and I guess that's all that matters, having a hobby and keeping busy, so I'm not going so crazy about this job thing. Or maybe its made it worse? I don't know.

I'm also still crocheting. I need to focus on this thing I'm making. I should have had it done a little while ago, but then I started on my stories. I need to manage when I do everything haha but then wouldn't that mean I'm being OCD about something that supposed to calm me down? My brain is just going a million miles an hour.

We went to the movies the other day and saw a good one based off of a book. It made me want to read the books, and then I saw a preview for another movie based off of another book, and I want to read that. But now I feel like I would worry if I'd read something and feel like I am writing the same things, or lose my focus on what my story is compared to theirs. I guess it's not like a big deal since my stories aren't going to get out there anyways. But since my mind is all over the place, I shouldn't add more things to do. Then again, it really is keeping me busy when I'm not looking for a job constantly. Any escape is nice. I feel like I'm not even making sense in this post haha

Kasey didn't get a deer on his trip, but he'll still have a few more chances to get one this year. He said he had a good time, and that's all that matters, so that's good. We are supposed to be going camping tomorrow night. But we're going up a treacherous road and I am going to be having a crazy anxiety attack the entire time, just like the last time. I know, I'm a spaz.

Kasey started his fall semester this past week. I think it's going well. He is going full time, but he scheduled it so he has the same days off as the summer semester. He's still working up in Ogden with Securitas. It sucks, because he's gone all weekend basically and then he's at school all week, and exhausted the rest of the time. I just hope to get a job soon to take so much pressure off of him. And then we can get our own place! Please let it happen soon!

Unsure

It's weird. Normally I get on here when I'm mostly frustrated and upset about something and I need to vent, but really, I'm not feeling that so much right now. Of course I am annoyed and stressed constantly, but those aren't my feelings right now. But I can update anyways. 

I still have no job. I am trying constantly. I have had several interviews. But nothing came to fruition. I was so close to getting one at the VA again, but they went with someone else. I guess it was really close though. Getting back on at the VA has been so hard. I really want to get back up there. I loved working there. Ok, everyone has their bad days. But hindsight is always 20/20 and I know I complained sometimes, but it wasn't so horrible and I miss it a lot.

My mood has been slightly better I think. Well it had been. And I could only tell that, because all of the sudden this past week I started getting emotional again haha little did I know that I was getting sick. I should have known. And the last three days have been miserable. What started out as a slightly itchy throat has manifested into body aches and hot flashes and drippy noses and nausea and coughing and raspy voices. It's been pretty horrible.

And I am saying that my sickness is what made me so upset about this next part. Something pretty embarrassing happened on Thursday. I got a phone call and they left a message. And they were asking for an interview with me and so they could tell me a little about the job. The problem was that I had already interviewed for that job exactly two weeks previously. The guy had said that he'd be out of town and then he'd let me know when he got back. But instead I got a call asking for a first interview. And I know this all sounds so trivial. But I have been so stressed and depressed with not having a job, it just really upset me. He didn't remember me. I was forgetful apparently. I didn't care that all these jobs have so many people applying. It still hurt my feelings, and shook my confidence even further.I feel like such a failure not being able to get a job. I hate that I haven't had a job for almost 9 months.

It's so heartbreaking trying to be able to support your family when you can't get a job. If I got a job, even if it didn't pay the best (but of course it would need to be feasible), we would be able to finally move out and get our stuff back. This needs to happen soon, and it hasn't been. Its overwhelming to say the least.

I took Yzzy to her new temporary home this evening. She reacted a lot better than I thought she would. I really missed her and I can't wait to have to back. I spend some time still looking online at pictures of houses. I can't wait for us to have our own place that I can decorate and set up everything how we want and just lounge on our own couch, play video games, being able to get up in the middle of the night with a small bladder not worrying about the squeaky doors on the way waking other people in the house up. When I gotta pee, I gotta pee! And ooooo to have a real bed again! Oh man I am waiting for that like none other.

I was going through a lot of pics and videos online, also coming across my sister's old blog and it has given me a trip down memory lane. It is so crazy to see where I'm at now, who I'm married to, all the changes that have happened, all the new family members, and remembering how things used to be. Like baby Cooper. He was just the bee's knees. I've forgotten a lot of when he was little, but it's fun to go back and see. I saw him so much for the first three and a half years of his life, then Kasey and I move and then all of the sudden he is starting Kindergarten in a week. Where did all of the time go?

But then again, at the same time, for some reason, I feel like without me having a job, Kasey and I are in this crazy slow mo world where everything is slowed down, but everything and everyone else keeps moving forward.

My feelings are all over the place all the time. Sometimes I am so happy that we haven't had children yet. We aren't in a place to have any right now anyways, and we could use a little more "us" time after all of my job searching and our tight budget goes away. And then sometimes I am so devastated that it hasn't happened for us yet. Sure there's plenty of time. And like I said, we aren't in a place for that to happen right now. But that happens ALL the time to other people and it works itself out. I'm so envious. I don't know hat I feel anymore about it. It changes all the time and it's just confusing. It's pretty exhausting. I am definitely a tired gal.

I was looking at pictures of Kasey and I and I just love looking at them. He makes me so happy. And even through all of these tough times, we've been able to pull through it and keep going. We definitely deserve a break. We deserve some great news. Well Kasey got his haha He is leaving for his hunting trip in the morning and will be gone for a while. He definitely needs the break though and he's really excited for this, so I hope he's able to get a good buck. He's been looking forward to this for a long time. I just feel like I should at least be able to get a pedicure or something ;)

Kasey's school starts up in about a week or so. His first semester is already under his belt, and I am so proud of him. He's one step closer to his goals and that's always great. I'm so glad I'm able to be his cheerleader in this. I still need to work on my attitude though, and be a better cheerleader than I am now. One step at a time I suppose. 

I think I forgot to mention last time that I have started writing again. I just need to really focus on that when I start to feel frustrated or need a break from constantly searching for jobs. It keeps me busy and clears my head about all of that stuff and moves into all these fictional places and it makes me feel a little better. And then frustrated because I can't seem to always get out on paper what I'm thinking in my head. But it doesn't matter really. It's all just for fun, and I don't think anyone will really be reading any of my stuff anyways. Maybe I'll work on that this week while Kasey is gone, when I am not sending applications out. We'll see.

In the meantime, I WILL get a new job soon. I can feel it.