Keep Moving Forward

It's been awhile. We've been extremely busy. Things have been tough. Things have also been worse though, so that's a plus! 

I still don't have a job. I'm trying my best to get one. It's stressing and it's taking it's toll. I just applied for two more today. I'm really hoping it happens soon. We really need this. Kasey is working pretty bad hours on weekends, and he's also going to school right now. He's definitely keeping busy and keeping us afloat. Money is a big issue right now and we still have bills to pay. We're cutting it really close, just getting by. We're still living with Kasey's family. And as much as I love them, I really can't wait to have our own place. I miss our stuff. I miss having more than 1-2 weeks worth of clothes and then washing and then repeating. I miss Yzzy. She's staying with a friend, and I desperately want to see her, even though she hates me.

Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful to have a place to stay. To have people watching our pets. To be able to get by 'til the next paycheck. But I need a damn job. I feel like once that happens things will definitely start the ball rolling.

Kasey and I have been married for two years today. He is my best friend and we have been through a lot together. Through miscarriages, fights, no money, crappy jobs, to vacations, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. We've had a lot of Up's to go with our Down's. I feel like it's been bunched together in the last two years, instead of being spread out over time.

I just want to make him proud of me. I want to be just as helpful to our little family as he is. I want to support us as much as he is. I want to have a good paying job so he won't have to work so he can focus on school. I want to be able to buy him presents for our Anniversary, or hell, even just go to dinner. I want him to be able to get all the camo he wants and do all the hunting and fishing he desires instead of me grilling him about how much everything is. I want to be someone he can depend on to make sure that we are floating along with two paddles and even a damn motor instead of us having one life jacket and me clinging desperately to it dragging him down.

I have been thinking about things we can try and sell to get a little extra money. Most of our stuff is in storage however, and not easily accessible. I have even been thinking about selling my wedding dress. I don't want to. But am I ever going to use it again? But it just has me thinking. And looking at pictures today online does as well. We have made it two years. With the stuff we've gone through, that's a big achievement. Hell, even with the times these days, making it two years in a marriage is a huge accomplishment. We've made it this far. It was like this in Tennessee. We were tight then, we're tight now. But we're making it through little by little. We've been making it by with a little help from our true friends too.

I just have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason. Everything has been happening to make us stronger. That even like yesterday when I was mad at Kasey, and he was frustrated with me, that we can laugh at the situation, cut the tension, and he gives me his adorable grin and kisses me. Our plans and our rewards in life are going to happen. I am going to get a job, we are going to get pregnant, we are going to get a home, we are going to get everything we want, we are going to keep moving forward.

Anticipation

The time has come when I will see my husband again. I feel like it has taken so long, and I also feel like it's flown by. But that's only because the main reason I came back here alone as to find a job to help us get situated and that deadline kept running out. And now it's a bit late. I have applied for many jobs and am waiting to hear back from them. I literally just sent in an application for two more.

 

I know I can't be picky. I really can't. Any money is better than no money. But I also know that we wouldn't be able to live off of me only making 8 bucks an hour. But we just have to make things work right now.

 

I'll be flying out on Wednesday, the movers are coming on Thursday to pick our stuff up, and we'll probably head out Thursday night/Friday morning. We'll have the dog and cat in tow. We have no idea what we're going to do once we get here, especially where we're going to stay with the pets. I can't imagine having to give them away just because I wasn't able to get a job right away to help out with money to procure a place to stay. It seems like a big fail when all I was supposed to do here was get a job and I didn't.

 

I just have to believe that things will work out. Things will turn around and everything will be great. We have so many plans and I want to see them come to fruition. I can't wait for Kasey to get here. I miss him so much. He wants to start going to school in the fall. I think it is an amazing idea and I'm glad he knows what he wants to do. We want to have a home. This may not happen for a while, so we'll have to rent a place for about a year and then go from there. Kasey needs to work on his credit. I wanted to work on mine as well, but when I went in, I expected a lower number than 771, so that was an amazingly pleasant surprise. I have a good percentage option when it comes time for a new car loan.

 

I'm excited for all of our plans together and just moving forward. I have to keep that end goal in mind when I think about how stressing it is right now. It could be worse. We have a lot more going for us than some people do. We just need to hold on to hope and positivity.

That's life! (That's what all people say...)

I feel like even though I'm just as stressed as the last blog, that I'm in a better place right now. Maybe I'm just in a better mood? I have definitely been trying to work on not letting as many things affect me, especially if I have no control on it whatsoever.

 

I have been very reflective lately, thinking of some "what ifs". Not in a longing way, but just playing things out of stuff that's gone on in my life. And I always come back to the fact that I love who I've ended up with and how well our life is together. I wouldn't change it for anything. Everything we have gone through has made us stronger together. Everything I've gone through before, lead me to who I am and who I am with now.

 

It's funny when people say that its hard to tell who your real friends are. I know I've said that a lot too. But it really isn't hard anymore. I know who my true friends are. There are really only a couple of them. They know who they are. They've been there for me, especially since I've been back. I'd rather have those close friends than a bunch of fake ones.

 

I've been watching the Jodi Arias trial lately. My mother in law got me into it. We were really into the Casey Anthony trial when it was on a couple years ago. I have to say that I am addicted. I find all of these dynamics fascinating. I love the psychological aspects of everything. It also has been making me sick to my stomach. It's an up and down roller coaster ride. But it's a lot of entertainment and I'm learning new things every day I watch it.

 

I love learning new things. I wouldn't say it's a regret of mine, but one of my what ifs makes me wonder about going to college. Even thinking about it though I don't know what I would want my major to be. I think criminology would be really interesting, but I am not good with actual physical blood. I can see my own blood and be fine (unless its a finger or toe injury) and I don't mind bloody messes in movies or TV shows. But any blood in person makes me so woozy. I would be a horrible investigator if I couldn't even make it a minute through the crime scene. I've always been interested in Psychology as well, but I am also terrified that there would be that one crazy patient that stalks you. I have a big imagination, so sue me. I had wanted to be a massage therapist before, but my wrists are all screwed up now, I wouldn't be able to do it. And something in the Veterinarian field has always been a passion, but once again, blood. I also love learning things about History and anything with movies. I'm always on Wikipedia and IMDB. I just love learning.

 

I'm still looking for a job. I am waiting to hear back about two jobs that closed, one of which I received an email saying that I as qualified for it. But I haven't heard back since. I called and they said they were conducting interviews and I should hear back soon, but still nothing. I've been here for almost two full months and I don't really have anything to show for it. I'm just really hoping our luck turns around in that area.

 

Kasey has begun all of his closing out. I can not wait to fly back out there and take our drive back! I miss spending time with him. It's hard to go from spending every single day with someone for a year and then be away from them, even though we talk every day.

 

Our plans right now are me finding a job as soon as possible so we can have that stability once Kasey is out and not working. Kasey is wanting to go to school. We want to get a home. We might have to settle for an apartment at first, but we're so ready to start our future and get a home and set it up and hopefully have a place for Chester to run. At some point we'll need two cars. One for him to get to school and one for me to go to work. But it's all just one step at a time at this point.

25 Isn't What It's Cracked Up To Be!

We're never told when we're younger and saying, "I can't wait to grow up," how much shit you would really have to go through. And all day I have had in my head "I don't ever never ever ever wanna grow up, yuck!" from Hook.

My birthday was a few days ago. My husband bought me a wonderful necklace and I love it so much. He knows me so well! I don't really feel much older. I've been feeling old for a while now. I've been in town almost four weeks and they have been extremely rough. I was pretty sick the first two weeks straight and I am still getting over a sinus infection, having bloody noses every morning. And my ulcers, oh how they are back with a vengeance. But I'm not nauseous as much any more which is actually wonderful.

We were at Shopko earlier and we were in the kids section, and it's just hard sometimes. I'm not saying I'm overly emotional all the time or when I see kids, but when I see things that I would like to buy for our children, it is upsetting. I love looking at Sebastian and I just can't wait to hold one of our own. As soon as Kasey gets back, we're getting a new doctor and we are going to be very aggressive about all of our options.

Being back has also made me feel pretty useless and like a bum. I have no job, I don't have a car, I'm living with my sister. I have been searching for a job so hard and whatever I have found, apparently I'm not qualified for, which to me is a serious joke. And like I said, I feel useless and like a loser because I've been here a month and nothing to show for it. The whole reason for sending me back was for me to have a job. I need a job that pays a good amount of money with security so I'm not worried about being let go, and something with benefits. But really anything to start me off is helpful as well. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a letdown. I'm still aggressively looking.

We got rid of Kasey's truck. We didn't get anything out of it, because the lump of junk decided to need a couple thousand dollar repairs, so there went that money that we were hoping for. We haven't done taxes yet, and I'm really not expecting a big amount of money that we really need. No job and no car means no money for a house when Kasey gets here, and on top of that, he will be starting school, so then neither of us will have a job. Can you see why the ulcers are back?

And on top of all of this, my mother went in for a biopsy on my birthday and we found out today that she has Stage 1 lung cancer. If treated aggressively, she should be able to beat it and it will be great.

It's just so much shit piling up at once and so much stress and it's really hard to handle everything without my best friend here. I am trying my best to be strong, but I feel so negative and the positive vibes are not really flowing out of me like they should to bring it all back in.

I'm going to just keep trying. We can't afford for me to give up. I'm just hoping that things start working out. We have so many plans in our future that I look forward to, we just need to be able to get to them.

'Tis the season

Well, It's been awhile. Thanksgiving was fun! We made our own dinner and just enjoyed stuffing our faces. Then we went to a friend's house for desert and that was really nice. It was nice and relaxing and it was great to spend the time with Kasey. It was definitely different from last year when we had three dinners to go to in the same day. Don't get me wrong, we miss family, but it was nice to not have to rush to eat or rush to and from houses! It will be different once again next year when we're back in Utah again.

This Christmas is going to be the same. We already have everything bought, wrapped, ad under the Christmas tree. It's so tempting to shake everything to see if I can guess what everything is. I can not WAIT for Kasey to open everything. I sure hope he likes it all.

My last day at work was Black Friday. I even was told to leave early. It feels weird not working. It definitely did make me appreciate being a stay at home wife more. I even have been making dinners a lot more. Well, lately it's been slacking, but I'll pick it up haha But I also feel like I should have stuck it out for another paycheck or two. It would have helped with money a little. We're making everything work like we knew we could, it's just stressing, especially while trying to do all the Christmas stuff. I just don't think I could have lasted longer there anyway, especially since they started cutting back hours pretty bad and it would not have been worth it money wise to stay anyway.

I'll be back in Utah on January 7th at 1:30-ish. It feels weird, since it's in like two and a half weeks. I can't believe we've been here a year. It's like time flew but it also took forever to pass. I'm excited but I'm also sad. Kasey won't be here for my birthday again. And we won't see each other until the very end of March. I know we've gone longer, but when you've been with your best friend straight for a year, it's hard to be away. At least I'll be near family and friends.

Another thing that is really sad is that we are on month 15 of trying to conceive and once again, it hasn't happened. It's frustrating. Everyone I know is already on their second baby. It's hard. Analysis came back on Kasey and he's good, so it just makes me feel more and more like it's my fault. It doesn't help that I have been have such crappy luck and experiences with my doctors. I really need someone who cares about what we want and actually cares to help us sustain a pregnancy. So basically we're just going to have to stop and then pick it up again at the end of March. I can see how maybe a break can help, but the thyroid, pcos, and endometriosis isn't getting any better. It's upsetting. I can't say it enough or really put into words how discouraging it really is.

But anyhoo, I'll be back in a few weeks time and it will be nice to see some of you.

Operation Move Tabitha Home

As the header reads, the operation has begun. Sort of. It's mostly in talks and we're trying to plan everything out like dates and all that and just the more we plan, the more daunting and hard everything becomes.

I put in my three weeks notice for my job. Three weeks because I want to be able to help train whoever is going to be taking over my job. May the odds be ever in their favor. And also to get a couple more paychecks to try and save up as much money as possible. 

With Christmas and the move coming up, it's going to be so tight since I still need to find a job in Utah. A good job that will help with bills. We won't be able to both have an apartment, thats two rent bills, two cable bills, two electric bills, etc. And then trying to bring Yzzy back with me, that would probably be more money for the flight home and we'll have to get her shots, which is another vet bill. Everything is stacking up.

I realize it was my choice to put in my three weeks already when we're looking for a flight in January for me. But my reasons make sense to Kasey and I and that's all that matters. We realize that money is going to be super tight and we will just have to figure stuff out, but this is what we decided. Having a family is important to us. We have been trying for thirteen plus months and my stress with my job is affecting my health. And our happiness at home. Yes, we also realize that most jobs are going to be like that. But we also know what is important to us. We feel it is also smarter to have me move home so I can try and get a job there and set some stuff up there. So I want to be able to spend time with my husband during the holidays and being the Video Manager with basically no one in my department means that I would not be allowed to spend that time with him before I left. Yes, we have gone through a deployment and being in different continents and for a longer amount of time. But that just makes me want to spend even more time with my husband.

It would be super helpful if the people who owed us money would pay us back. That could take care of a couple of car payments. Or a flight back and a car payment, at least! But we don't see that happening.

When I move back, I will be jobless and carless. I may or may not be bringing our cat back with me. I'll probably have a suitcase or two of clothes and that's it. Any help, any help at all, would be greatly appreciated. We aren't asking or expecting the world. Just some support and help through this hard time. 

We know we have more than some people. Right now we both have a job at the moment, two vehicles at the moment, and a roof over our head, at the moment. But soon we wont have that. But the most important thing is we have each other.

Metamorphosis

I need an attitude adjustment. Kasey told me this yesterday. And has said it more than once. And it's true. I'm tired of being tired and grumpy or mopey or depressed or sore. I could go on. I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was and it's no surprise to anyone that I can't stand Clarksville. I can't stand the people here. And I can't stand the doctor that I have.

Thankfully the doctor situation has changed! I tried so hard to get a new doctor and it's finally happened. My first appointment with him is on Thursday. I don't have high hopes since I feel extremely disappointed in my care here so far, so maybe I'll be surprised. I definitely will speak my mind and tell him exactly what I want. 

I've been extremely over stressed and exhausted lately. It's making my body hurt really bad. Thankfully I haven't had a cold though. Normally this happens when I'm the least bit stressed out, but I think I'm way passed that and don't have time for it. Work has been insane. I am the Video Manager but there is nobody in my department and I can't keep being expected to do everything myself. By the time I get home, once I sit down, I can't get up for a while because I feel like my muscles give out on me and just stop working. This week has been especially bad. I'm trying my best to push through it.

I definitely feel like this stress is a factor in why we aren't getting pregnant still. Last cycle I swear I had an extremely light light light positive, but that didn't pan out. I worry that my progesterone is too low and it's making my uterus a hostile place to be haha It's so frustrating. I am hoping this doctor can help out with this. The other doctor was basically helping me get pregnant but wasn't helping me sustain the pregnancy. It's a lot of stress, heartbreak, and waisted energy. 

But we're trying to move forward. No point on dwelling on the past, because it's not gonna make anything better. 

We're starting to plan moving back to Utah. We haven't got anything down, it's just more of discussions first. The main thing that keeps coming up is sending me home a little early to try and find a job and set things up for when Kasey can move back. No matter what, I want to make that trip back with Kasey, so if I need to fly back here then I will. I'm not sure where the money for that will come from though. Or to send me back to Utah in the first place. We're trying to save as much as we can for everything coming up including Christmas and it's hard.

I just think about coming home without Kasey and it's hard. I know it sounds weak and I have been without him a LOT longer than a few months, but since he's here, I feel it pointless to be away. Call me crazy, weak, I don't care. It's hard to be away from your soul mate for any amount of time. It causes my chest to tighten thinking about. 

I realize I have come extremely co-dependent, and I need to work on that. I also want to start working out. I just need the motivation to do it. But when my body is aching it makes me not want to move and to try and nap instead haha I'm hoping there will be a good job I can apply for and get some time in so I have time off to fly back here for a day or so to make that final trip home together.

I'm just feeling crazy lately and on edge and all over the place. I only hear from a few people and I have no friends here. I know I'm not a big drinker at all, especially now while trying to conceive and it's rather uncomfortable with ulcers, but I can have fun without drinking. I get frustrated and, as my sister would say, "emo" when I think that I surprisingly can't wait to move back to Utah, because it's just going to be the same there as it is here. But at least I'll be closer to family. At least I hear from them. 

Blah, now I'm being whiny. I don't know. I just guess it's nice to get my feelings out. I might as well drive you all crazy since I've already made Kasey nuts with my antics. I'm so thankful for him every day. 

The dog makes me crazy, and the cat is a little goofball. She tried to get in the bath with us last night and was trying to eat the bubbles. Kasey and I can't wait to get back and start looking at houses. It's exciting to think about. I think I just need to focus on all the good that I have and all the good that's to come. It will get better. Hopefully!