25 Isn't What It's Cracked Up To Be!

We're never told when we're younger and saying, "I can't wait to grow up," how much shit you would really have to go through. And all day I have had in my head "I don't ever never ever ever wanna grow up, yuck!" from Hook.

My birthday was a few days ago. My husband bought me a wonderful necklace and I love it so much. He knows me so well! I don't really feel much older. I've been feeling old for a while now. I've been in town almost four weeks and they have been extremely rough. I was pretty sick the first two weeks straight and I am still getting over a sinus infection, having bloody noses every morning. And my ulcers, oh how they are back with a vengeance. But I'm not nauseous as much any more which is actually wonderful.

We were at Shopko earlier and we were in the kids section, and it's just hard sometimes. I'm not saying I'm overly emotional all the time or when I see kids, but when I see things that I would like to buy for our children, it is upsetting. I love looking at Sebastian and I just can't wait to hold one of our own. As soon as Kasey gets back, we're getting a new doctor and we are going to be very aggressive about all of our options.

Being back has also made me feel pretty useless and like a bum. I have no job, I don't have a car, I'm living with my sister. I have been searching for a job so hard and whatever I have found, apparently I'm not qualified for, which to me is a serious joke. And like I said, I feel useless and like a loser because I've been here a month and nothing to show for it. The whole reason for sending me back was for me to have a job. I need a job that pays a good amount of money with security so I'm not worried about being let go, and something with benefits. But really anything to start me off is helpful as well. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a letdown. I'm still aggressively looking.

We got rid of Kasey's truck. We didn't get anything out of it, because the lump of junk decided to need a couple thousand dollar repairs, so there went that money that we were hoping for. We haven't done taxes yet, and I'm really not expecting a big amount of money that we really need. No job and no car means no money for a house when Kasey gets here, and on top of that, he will be starting school, so then neither of us will have a job. Can you see why the ulcers are back?

And on top of all of this, my mother went in for a biopsy on my birthday and we found out today that she has Stage 1 lung cancer. If treated aggressively, she should be able to beat it and it will be great.

It's just so much shit piling up at once and so much stress and it's really hard to handle everything without my best friend here. I am trying my best to be strong, but I feel so negative and the positive vibes are not really flowing out of me like they should to bring it all back in.

I'm going to just keep trying. We can't afford for me to give up. I'm just hoping that things start working out. We have so many plans in our future that I look forward to, we just need to be able to get to them.

'Tis the season

Well, It's been awhile. Thanksgiving was fun! We made our own dinner and just enjoyed stuffing our faces. Then we went to a friend's house for desert and that was really nice. It was nice and relaxing and it was great to spend the time with Kasey. It was definitely different from last year when we had three dinners to go to in the same day. Don't get me wrong, we miss family, but it was nice to not have to rush to eat or rush to and from houses! It will be different once again next year when we're back in Utah again.

This Christmas is going to be the same. We already have everything bought, wrapped, ad under the Christmas tree. It's so tempting to shake everything to see if I can guess what everything is. I can not WAIT for Kasey to open everything. I sure hope he likes it all.

My last day at work was Black Friday. I even was told to leave early. It feels weird not working. It definitely did make me appreciate being a stay at home wife more. I even have been making dinners a lot more. Well, lately it's been slacking, but I'll pick it up haha But I also feel like I should have stuck it out for another paycheck or two. It would have helped with money a little. We're making everything work like we knew we could, it's just stressing, especially while trying to do all the Christmas stuff. I just don't think I could have lasted longer there anyway, especially since they started cutting back hours pretty bad and it would not have been worth it money wise to stay anyway.

I'll be back in Utah on January 7th at 1:30-ish. It feels weird, since it's in like two and a half weeks. I can't believe we've been here a year. It's like time flew but it also took forever to pass. I'm excited but I'm also sad. Kasey won't be here for my birthday again. And we won't see each other until the very end of March. I know we've gone longer, but when you've been with your best friend straight for a year, it's hard to be away. At least I'll be near family and friends.

Another thing that is really sad is that we are on month 15 of trying to conceive and once again, it hasn't happened. It's frustrating. Everyone I know is already on their second baby. It's hard. Analysis came back on Kasey and he's good, so it just makes me feel more and more like it's my fault. It doesn't help that I have been have such crappy luck and experiences with my doctors. I really need someone who cares about what we want and actually cares to help us sustain a pregnancy. So basically we're just going to have to stop and then pick it up again at the end of March. I can see how maybe a break can help, but the thyroid, pcos, and endometriosis isn't getting any better. It's upsetting. I can't say it enough or really put into words how discouraging it really is.

But anyhoo, I'll be back in a few weeks time and it will be nice to see some of you.

Operation Move Tabitha Home

As the header reads, the operation has begun. Sort of. It's mostly in talks and we're trying to plan everything out like dates and all that and just the more we plan, the more daunting and hard everything becomes.

I put in my three weeks notice for my job. Three weeks because I want to be able to help train whoever is going to be taking over my job. May the odds be ever in their favor. And also to get a couple more paychecks to try and save up as much money as possible. 

With Christmas and the move coming up, it's going to be so tight since I still need to find a job in Utah. A good job that will help with bills. We won't be able to both have an apartment, thats two rent bills, two cable bills, two electric bills, etc. And then trying to bring Yzzy back with me, that would probably be more money for the flight home and we'll have to get her shots, which is another vet bill. Everything is stacking up.

I realize it was my choice to put in my three weeks already when we're looking for a flight in January for me. But my reasons make sense to Kasey and I and that's all that matters. We realize that money is going to be super tight and we will just have to figure stuff out, but this is what we decided. Having a family is important to us. We have been trying for thirteen plus months and my stress with my job is affecting my health. And our happiness at home. Yes, we also realize that most jobs are going to be like that. But we also know what is important to us. We feel it is also smarter to have me move home so I can try and get a job there and set some stuff up there. So I want to be able to spend time with my husband during the holidays and being the Video Manager with basically no one in my department means that I would not be allowed to spend that time with him before I left. Yes, we have gone through a deployment and being in different continents and for a longer amount of time. But that just makes me want to spend even more time with my husband.

It would be super helpful if the people who owed us money would pay us back. That could take care of a couple of car payments. Or a flight back and a car payment, at least! But we don't see that happening.

When I move back, I will be jobless and carless. I may or may not be bringing our cat back with me. I'll probably have a suitcase or two of clothes and that's it. Any help, any help at all, would be greatly appreciated. We aren't asking or expecting the world. Just some support and help through this hard time. 

We know we have more than some people. Right now we both have a job at the moment, two vehicles at the moment, and a roof over our head, at the moment. But soon we wont have that. But the most important thing is we have each other.

Metamorphosis

I need an attitude adjustment. Kasey told me this yesterday. And has said it more than once. And it's true. I'm tired of being tired and grumpy or mopey or depressed or sore. I could go on. I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was and it's no surprise to anyone that I can't stand Clarksville. I can't stand the people here. And I can't stand the doctor that I have.

Thankfully the doctor situation has changed! I tried so hard to get a new doctor and it's finally happened. My first appointment with him is on Thursday. I don't have high hopes since I feel extremely disappointed in my care here so far, so maybe I'll be surprised. I definitely will speak my mind and tell him exactly what I want. 

I've been extremely over stressed and exhausted lately. It's making my body hurt really bad. Thankfully I haven't had a cold though. Normally this happens when I'm the least bit stressed out, but I think I'm way passed that and don't have time for it. Work has been insane. I am the Video Manager but there is nobody in my department and I can't keep being expected to do everything myself. By the time I get home, once I sit down, I can't get up for a while because I feel like my muscles give out on me and just stop working. This week has been especially bad. I'm trying my best to push through it.

I definitely feel like this stress is a factor in why we aren't getting pregnant still. Last cycle I swear I had an extremely light light light positive, but that didn't pan out. I worry that my progesterone is too low and it's making my uterus a hostile place to be haha It's so frustrating. I am hoping this doctor can help out with this. The other doctor was basically helping me get pregnant but wasn't helping me sustain the pregnancy. It's a lot of stress, heartbreak, and waisted energy. 

But we're trying to move forward. No point on dwelling on the past, because it's not gonna make anything better. 

We're starting to plan moving back to Utah. We haven't got anything down, it's just more of discussions first. The main thing that keeps coming up is sending me home a little early to try and find a job and set things up for when Kasey can move back. No matter what, I want to make that trip back with Kasey, so if I need to fly back here then I will. I'm not sure where the money for that will come from though. Or to send me back to Utah in the first place. We're trying to save as much as we can for everything coming up including Christmas and it's hard.

I just think about coming home without Kasey and it's hard. I know it sounds weak and I have been without him a LOT longer than a few months, but since he's here, I feel it pointless to be away. Call me crazy, weak, I don't care. It's hard to be away from your soul mate for any amount of time. It causes my chest to tighten thinking about. 

I realize I have come extremely co-dependent, and I need to work on that. I also want to start working out. I just need the motivation to do it. But when my body is aching it makes me not want to move and to try and nap instead haha I'm hoping there will be a good job I can apply for and get some time in so I have time off to fly back here for a day or so to make that final trip home together.

I'm just feeling crazy lately and on edge and all over the place. I only hear from a few people and I have no friends here. I know I'm not a big drinker at all, especially now while trying to conceive and it's rather uncomfortable with ulcers, but I can have fun without drinking. I get frustrated and, as my sister would say, "emo" when I think that I surprisingly can't wait to move back to Utah, because it's just going to be the same there as it is here. But at least I'll be closer to family. At least I hear from them. 

Blah, now I'm being whiny. I don't know. I just guess it's nice to get my feelings out. I might as well drive you all crazy since I've already made Kasey nuts with my antics. I'm so thankful for him every day. 

The dog makes me crazy, and the cat is a little goofball. She tried to get in the bath with us last night and was trying to eat the bubbles. Kasey and I can't wait to get back and start looking at houses. It's exciting to think about. I think I just need to focus on all the good that I have and all the good that's to come. It will get better. Hopefully!

A New Dawn, A New Day, and I'm Feeling...

It's been a while since I've written. I was actually contemplating not writing anymore. After my last blog I had a falling out with a "friend". She said that what I wrote was inappropriate and called me a liar basically about my experience. I have said from the beginning that I don't want to offend anyone, but when I am talking about an experience that I have had and I am keeping family members back home in the loop of what's going on, then I am going to. This is my blog and you don't have to read it. 

Needless to say, it made me really hate living here even more for a while. She lives across the street. I could have been a push over and just been like, "oh I'm sorry" and begged her to be my friend and everything like I used to be, but I don't have time for that. I don't have time for people like that. I had to deal with it before, trying to please people and push my feelings and thoughts down inside to where I didn't have an opinion and I am just not that person anymore. I need friends to support me through the things I am going through. Not to doubt me, call me a liar, and act like a child. And I'm not trying to be mean or seem bitchy. I think it's just a valid opinion that I have. If you're not going to treat me with respect and help me when I have supported you, then don't expect to be a part of my journey anymore.

Trying to conceive has been hard. I have been remaining as positive as I can, but I am not going to lie, it is really hard and depressing. Especially when taking the tests and they keep turning up negative. I think today is kind of a down day. But that might also have to do with how exhausted I am from work. But I just feel like it's not going to happen and I have contemplated taking a break. But every time I think that, I change my mind right away. I don't want to be a quitter. We really want this. And since it's almost been a year of trying, who knows how much longer it will be? If we stop now, what if we have to start all over again and it takes even longer? There's no way we're giving up.

I will start another round of clomid tomorrow. I will be at 150mg and take that for 5 days. I plan on getting a new doctor, so I am thinking I'll call and see when I can be seen so when it gets to be around cycle day 23 or so I can still get my blood drawn to count my levels. we will get there eventually, but when I'm feeling a little down, it really seems like the endgame is very far off in the distance and it's hard to imagine not being able to give Kasey a baby. All you're love and support is greatly appreciated.

And let me be clear again, I am absolutely SO excited for all of my pregnant friends and family members. I'm super jealous, but I am so happy and excited for each and every one of you and I LOVE to hear all about it and what's going on because I am so looking forward to our turn.

Work has been so frustrating and I have been extremely busy. But I am basically the video manager now once the paperwork goes through! This is good news.

The pets are a huge pain in the butt but I love them. Chester is still growing and he's still lurpy. He's got probably at least another 30 pounds to grow too. Yzzy is SO spunky and weird. It makes me miss Nibs a lot. She is a completely different cat though. She's super crazy. She loves Kasey. She's laying on him now. They both have severe separation anxiety.

Kasey is good. It's looking like he probably won't deploy now and I am ecstatic. I have been feeling very reflective the last few days. I know I always spout of all the ooey gooey lovey dovey mushy crap, but hey, it's my blog remember? He has been extremely supportive and has kept me afloat. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like he doesn't understand and I get snippy, but he still loves me....I think ;)

I could always ramble more, but we finally are both off at a decent time and I just want some snuggles!

Complications and Moving Forward

Well, for those of you who have been asking about what's been going on and why I went to the hospital a few weeks ago, it's just easier to write it all on here. I am giving fair warning though, to those who may be squeamish or just don't care to hear about the female body, you may not want to read further. On that note, it's not that bad, but it's nice for fair warning for those who aren't interested in the subject.

On June 28th I woke up out of nowhere in excruciating pain. I was rather surprised by it at first and thought I was dreaming. That didn't last long as I started cramping even more in my lower abdomen. I sometimes sleep with my hand comfortably between my legs a little higher than the knee as its a comfort thing for my joints. My hand felt warm and slightly wet. I brought it closer to my face since, thanks to our wonderful curtains upstairs, there is no light coming through. It was covered in blood. I got up, as much as I didn't want to move, and blood was everywhere. I made my way into the bathroom to clean up, the whole time walking doubled over as there were constant sharp pains over and over again. 

I was contemplating what to do. When I wrote on here last, I said I had just finished a round of clomid the morning of my last post. That means I was cycle day 9. Cycle day 1 starts when your period starts. Most women can have an average 28 day plus cycle, so there was no way that I would be due for my period, especially since my thyroid issues and everything, my cycles had finally just started to come down to 'normal'. Except, what was considered my last period wasn't even a period to my standards, but I called my doctors office to make sure that I was supposed to start the clomid on the fifth cycle day and go from there. 

That's where it got a little tricky for me. My sister had taken clomid, and her doctor told her that your cycle day one is not when you're just spotting, which was barely what was happening with me.

I burst into tears. We all know I'm an emotional person, it's true, but it has been a LONG time since I have cried from physical pain. I can't even describe how bad I hurt, but, as cliche as it sounds, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I went and woke Kasey up just crying and crying telling him I didn't know what to do and how bad I hurt and that's when he said maybe we should go to the hospital. 

You know how sometimes pain can get better after awhile, like you're getting used to it, or when you know you're on your way to getting it fixed or getting answers, you feel a little better? Ya, that didn't happen for me. I cried the whole time: putting clothes on, getting in the car, driving on post, going through the id check, the long walk inside to the emergency department, sitting in the waiting room, going to take a urine sample. It was never ending pain and I just wanted a tiny bit of relief.

After I submitted my urine test, they put me in a room, and told me to change into a gown and someone would be with me shortly to help me. Not even five minutes later, someone came in. She was extremely rude by my standards as someone who felt like her insides were being ripped open , and said, "well you're not pregnant so we got you an appointment with your primary care doctor so you need to get changed and go over there because there's nothing here we can do for you."

So on top of hurting so bad, then I was completely livid and emotional on a whole other level. They were sending me away, rudely (I honestly can't remember all that she said but her demeanor was just ridiculous) and being told to sit in a waiting room. We walked over and waited to be seen. After about 25-30 minutes of being in the waiting room they called me back. I don't know how many times that morning I had to say I was at a level 10 pain. Then my primary care doctor came in (which Kasey pointed out, wasn't even a doctor, but a PA, not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that, because back in Utah I always saw the PA at the clinic I went to as I thought he was more thorough, but at this moment it just made me mad and frustrated). He did an exam on me. It was probably one of the more painful ones I've had too, especially since I hurt everywhere down there. He told me that my urine test was actually inconclusive and unable to determine whether I was pregnant, but that there was tissue. 

He said that it may have been another miscarriage, and I think it probably was as well since the last time with my possible miscarriage the pain was almost similar, except this time was worse, among other symptoms. Thankfully this time he decided to give me some lortab instead of naproxen like he did last time. He said there wasn't much he could do for me since he was not an OB and that I should call my OB. They didn't even run a blood test. I felt extremely put out to say the least. One of the bright things that happened that morning was that it's like the pharmacy gods were smiling down on us and there was no one in line when we arrived. It is never like that. I normally wait for at least an hour every time. We headed home and I called my OB. They didn't want me to come in, they didn't examine me, they didn't want to run a blood test. The nurse on the phone just said it sounded like a possible miscarriage and to not take the clomid this new cycle since I had just finished it not even a week before.

I remember last post saying how optimistic I felt about things and that I really felt like this was our month. It definitely felt like a slap in the face. We are really ready for our family. I feel so frustrated about this because I feel like it's my fault, like my body just always having something wrong with it. I am taking my medicine like I should, and I am taking my vitamins and the fertility drugs when I should, so why isn't it working?

To top it all off, everywhere we turn are things to do with babies. Kasey has noticed it too, and we kind of laugh about it, but sometimes I just get so mad. Like just last night we are watching a preview for a movie and it's all intense and war movie like and then just randomly not fitting with the preview at all is a pregnant woman about to pop, no joke. It didn't make any sense! I'm not saying I hate all pregnant people right now. I know a LOT of people who are pregnant right now. I would just give anything to be where they are. One thing I do hate is when I hear, well you should feel thankful you don't have to deal with these back aches and nausea and blah blah blah like that is supposed to help me at all. Why would I be thankful for that? I don't mind people complaining to me one bit, because we all know I do my fair share, if not more, of complaining, but saying I should be thankful I'm not pregnant when we have been trying so long is not only not helpful, it's extremely hurtful.

Anyhoo, we are doing better now. I am finally feeling a bit back to normal. My back had been hurting like crazy since then and I had been cramping a lot, but a few days ago they finally subsided. We're just taking it one day at a time. Now that I'm not on the clomid for this cycle, I'm not feeling like it's our month since it was supposed to help regulate me and help me ovulate, but I am not down in the dumps about it either. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it then I was last week. 

But I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind thoughts that have been sent our way. Kasey was a major help and I am so thankful he was here for me. I'm thankful for him everyday. Send positive thoughts and baby dust our way! Thanks again everyone for caring :)

New Year, New Challenges

I was going to post the weekend of our anniversary, but we've been busy on and off and sometimes I can't get myself to sit down and type. 

It has been a great first year married :) We have been through so much and we wouldn't change anything. We have spent a lot of time apart, time getting along, time not getting along so well, and time just living. Living our life to the fullest :) I am so completely happy being married to Kasey and having our life together. I still get butterflies when it comes to him, I can't help but smile when I see his face. He's my everything.

This next year is going to be just as challenging. I feel like when people say the second deployment is a little easier, they are talking out of their asses. Pardon my french, but seriously? I'm dreading it just as much as before. I know Kasey isn't going to be a newbie out in the sandbox and he will know more and everything, but going to FRG meetings and them telling us he needs to make out a will and sign all of this paperwork is making everything extremely real. And making me sick to be honest.

It's coming up extremely soon and we have a few things to figure out still! And yes, once again, one of the big things is what's going on with me? What about our stuff? What's the next step?

I feel like the more I make up my mind, the less likely it's going to happen. I am really starting to want to move back to Utah more and more, and we're having some problems figuring that out. 

Money is a main problem. The army will not pay for me to move back. So an option would be to put most of our stuff in storage, load the jeep up, and drive back. We had heard that the army would pay for the storage, but now we're hearing they won't do that either. And then once I get there, where am I going to live? I want to be able to settle in and look for a job, but how is all of that going to work? If I am not working and Kasey is the main money maker for a minute yet he's deployed, how am I going to put my name on a lease or anything?

It's getting super frustrating, and I think that's why we haven't actually sat down to talk seriously about it, because it's pretty daunting. We still have a lot of talking to do and figuring stuff out.

On the baby front, I just finished my second round of clomid this morning. I am feeling really good about this month. I really want to send those positive vibes out there. I have an appointment on Monday and hoping that we figure some stuff out. And my thyroid medication needs to be up'd and I have an appointment with that doctor in a week and a half. We're getting me to the healthiest I can be to make sure our baby is just as healthy.

Kasey is doing really good. He is a Specialist Promotable now and hopefully will get his Sergeant September 1st! I'm so proud of him. He has been working his ass off everyday and even then he is super helpful when I work late and he has to make dinner. I love our family!

Chester is still the same pain in the ass he always is and we still love him, especially when he's all sweet and cuddly. Kasey has been working really hard on training him and Chester listens a little better now... sometimes.

Izzy(Yzzy) is a potential new member of our family. One of momma kitty's babies. She's only 6 weeks old and is being fostered (that is a LONG story). We are still trying to see if she'll fit with us and Chester but Kasey is in love with her. Chester is a bit rambunctious but I'm hoping it will work out because baby needs a home.

And that's it for now. I know there's always more to talk about, but I'm already rambling.