A New Dawn, A New Day, and I'm Feeling...

It's been a while since I've written. I was actually contemplating not writing anymore. After my last blog I had a falling out with a "friend". She said that what I wrote was inappropriate and called me a liar basically about my experience. I have said from the beginning that I don't want to offend anyone, but when I am talking about an experience that I have had and I am keeping family members back home in the loop of what's going on, then I am going to. This is my blog and you don't have to read it. 

Needless to say, it made me really hate living here even more for a while. She lives across the street. I could have been a push over and just been like, "oh I'm sorry" and begged her to be my friend and everything like I used to be, but I don't have time for that. I don't have time for people like that. I had to deal with it before, trying to please people and push my feelings and thoughts down inside to where I didn't have an opinion and I am just not that person anymore. I need friends to support me through the things I am going through. Not to doubt me, call me a liar, and act like a child. And I'm not trying to be mean or seem bitchy. I think it's just a valid opinion that I have. If you're not going to treat me with respect and help me when I have supported you, then don't expect to be a part of my journey anymore.

Trying to conceive has been hard. I have been remaining as positive as I can, but I am not going to lie, it is really hard and depressing. Especially when taking the tests and they keep turning up negative. I think today is kind of a down day. But that might also have to do with how exhausted I am from work. But I just feel like it's not going to happen and I have contemplated taking a break. But every time I think that, I change my mind right away. I don't want to be a quitter. We really want this. And since it's almost been a year of trying, who knows how much longer it will be? If we stop now, what if we have to start all over again and it takes even longer? There's no way we're giving up.

I will start another round of clomid tomorrow. I will be at 150mg and take that for 5 days. I plan on getting a new doctor, so I am thinking I'll call and see when I can be seen so when it gets to be around cycle day 23 or so I can still get my blood drawn to count my levels. we will get there eventually, but when I'm feeling a little down, it really seems like the endgame is very far off in the distance and it's hard to imagine not being able to give Kasey a baby. All you're love and support is greatly appreciated.

And let me be clear again, I am absolutely SO excited for all of my pregnant friends and family members. I'm super jealous, but I am so happy and excited for each and every one of you and I LOVE to hear all about it and what's going on because I am so looking forward to our turn.

Work has been so frustrating and I have been extremely busy. But I am basically the video manager now once the paperwork goes through! This is good news.

The pets are a huge pain in the butt but I love them. Chester is still growing and he's still lurpy. He's got probably at least another 30 pounds to grow too. Yzzy is SO spunky and weird. It makes me miss Nibs a lot. She is a completely different cat though. She's super crazy. She loves Kasey. She's laying on him now. They both have severe separation anxiety.

Kasey is good. It's looking like he probably won't deploy now and I am ecstatic. I have been feeling very reflective the last few days. I know I always spout of all the ooey gooey lovey dovey mushy crap, but hey, it's my blog remember? He has been extremely supportive and has kept me afloat. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like he doesn't understand and I get snippy, but he still loves me....I think ;)

I could always ramble more, but we finally are both off at a decent time and I just want some snuggles!

Complications and Moving Forward

Well, for those of you who have been asking about what's been going on and why I went to the hospital a few weeks ago, it's just easier to write it all on here. I am giving fair warning though, to those who may be squeamish or just don't care to hear about the female body, you may not want to read further. On that note, it's not that bad, but it's nice for fair warning for those who aren't interested in the subject.

On June 28th I woke up out of nowhere in excruciating pain. I was rather surprised by it at first and thought I was dreaming. That didn't last long as I started cramping even more in my lower abdomen. I sometimes sleep with my hand comfortably between my legs a little higher than the knee as its a comfort thing for my joints. My hand felt warm and slightly wet. I brought it closer to my face since, thanks to our wonderful curtains upstairs, there is no light coming through. It was covered in blood. I got up, as much as I didn't want to move, and blood was everywhere. I made my way into the bathroom to clean up, the whole time walking doubled over as there were constant sharp pains over and over again. 

I was contemplating what to do. When I wrote on here last, I said I had just finished a round of clomid the morning of my last post. That means I was cycle day 9. Cycle day 1 starts when your period starts. Most women can have an average 28 day plus cycle, so there was no way that I would be due for my period, especially since my thyroid issues and everything, my cycles had finally just started to come down to 'normal'. Except, what was considered my last period wasn't even a period to my standards, but I called my doctors office to make sure that I was supposed to start the clomid on the fifth cycle day and go from there. 

That's where it got a little tricky for me. My sister had taken clomid, and her doctor told her that your cycle day one is not when you're just spotting, which was barely what was happening with me.

I burst into tears. We all know I'm an emotional person, it's true, but it has been a LONG time since I have cried from physical pain. I can't even describe how bad I hurt, but, as cliche as it sounds, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I went and woke Kasey up just crying and crying telling him I didn't know what to do and how bad I hurt and that's when he said maybe we should go to the hospital. 

You know how sometimes pain can get better after awhile, like you're getting used to it, or when you know you're on your way to getting it fixed or getting answers, you feel a little better? Ya, that didn't happen for me. I cried the whole time: putting clothes on, getting in the car, driving on post, going through the id check, the long walk inside to the emergency department, sitting in the waiting room, going to take a urine sample. It was never ending pain and I just wanted a tiny bit of relief.

After I submitted my urine test, they put me in a room, and told me to change into a gown and someone would be with me shortly to help me. Not even five minutes later, someone came in. She was extremely rude by my standards as someone who felt like her insides were being ripped open , and said, "well you're not pregnant so we got you an appointment with your primary care doctor so you need to get changed and go over there because there's nothing here we can do for you."

So on top of hurting so bad, then I was completely livid and emotional on a whole other level. They were sending me away, rudely (I honestly can't remember all that she said but her demeanor was just ridiculous) and being told to sit in a waiting room. We walked over and waited to be seen. After about 25-30 minutes of being in the waiting room they called me back. I don't know how many times that morning I had to say I was at a level 10 pain. Then my primary care doctor came in (which Kasey pointed out, wasn't even a doctor, but a PA, not that there's ANYTHING wrong with that, because back in Utah I always saw the PA at the clinic I went to as I thought he was more thorough, but at this moment it just made me mad and frustrated). He did an exam on me. It was probably one of the more painful ones I've had too, especially since I hurt everywhere down there. He told me that my urine test was actually inconclusive and unable to determine whether I was pregnant, but that there was tissue. 

He said that it may have been another miscarriage, and I think it probably was as well since the last time with my possible miscarriage the pain was almost similar, except this time was worse, among other symptoms. Thankfully this time he decided to give me some lortab instead of naproxen like he did last time. He said there wasn't much he could do for me since he was not an OB and that I should call my OB. They didn't even run a blood test. I felt extremely put out to say the least. One of the bright things that happened that morning was that it's like the pharmacy gods were smiling down on us and there was no one in line when we arrived. It is never like that. I normally wait for at least an hour every time. We headed home and I called my OB. They didn't want me to come in, they didn't examine me, they didn't want to run a blood test. The nurse on the phone just said it sounded like a possible miscarriage and to not take the clomid this new cycle since I had just finished it not even a week before.

I remember last post saying how optimistic I felt about things and that I really felt like this was our month. It definitely felt like a slap in the face. We are really ready for our family. I feel so frustrated about this because I feel like it's my fault, like my body just always having something wrong with it. I am taking my medicine like I should, and I am taking my vitamins and the fertility drugs when I should, so why isn't it working?

To top it all off, everywhere we turn are things to do with babies. Kasey has noticed it too, and we kind of laugh about it, but sometimes I just get so mad. Like just last night we are watching a preview for a movie and it's all intense and war movie like and then just randomly not fitting with the preview at all is a pregnant woman about to pop, no joke. It didn't make any sense! I'm not saying I hate all pregnant people right now. I know a LOT of people who are pregnant right now. I would just give anything to be where they are. One thing I do hate is when I hear, well you should feel thankful you don't have to deal with these back aches and nausea and blah blah blah like that is supposed to help me at all. Why would I be thankful for that? I don't mind people complaining to me one bit, because we all know I do my fair share, if not more, of complaining, but saying I should be thankful I'm not pregnant when we have been trying so long is not only not helpful, it's extremely hurtful.

Anyhoo, we are doing better now. I am finally feeling a bit back to normal. My back had been hurting like crazy since then and I had been cramping a lot, but a few days ago they finally subsided. We're just taking it one day at a time. Now that I'm not on the clomid for this cycle, I'm not feeling like it's our month since it was supposed to help regulate me and help me ovulate, but I am not down in the dumps about it either. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it then I was last week. 

But I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and kind thoughts that have been sent our way. Kasey was a major help and I am so thankful he was here for me. I'm thankful for him everyday. Send positive thoughts and baby dust our way! Thanks again everyone for caring :)

New Year, New Challenges

I was going to post the weekend of our anniversary, but we've been busy on and off and sometimes I can't get myself to sit down and type. 

It has been a great first year married :) We have been through so much and we wouldn't change anything. We have spent a lot of time apart, time getting along, time not getting along so well, and time just living. Living our life to the fullest :) I am so completely happy being married to Kasey and having our life together. I still get butterflies when it comes to him, I can't help but smile when I see his face. He's my everything.

This next year is going to be just as challenging. I feel like when people say the second deployment is a little easier, they are talking out of their asses. Pardon my french, but seriously? I'm dreading it just as much as before. I know Kasey isn't going to be a newbie out in the sandbox and he will know more and everything, but going to FRG meetings and them telling us he needs to make out a will and sign all of this paperwork is making everything extremely real. And making me sick to be honest.

It's coming up extremely soon and we have a few things to figure out still! And yes, once again, one of the big things is what's going on with me? What about our stuff? What's the next step?

I feel like the more I make up my mind, the less likely it's going to happen. I am really starting to want to move back to Utah more and more, and we're having some problems figuring that out. 

Money is a main problem. The army will not pay for me to move back. So an option would be to put most of our stuff in storage, load the jeep up, and drive back. We had heard that the army would pay for the storage, but now we're hearing they won't do that either. And then once I get there, where am I going to live? I want to be able to settle in and look for a job, but how is all of that going to work? If I am not working and Kasey is the main money maker for a minute yet he's deployed, how am I going to put my name on a lease or anything?

It's getting super frustrating, and I think that's why we haven't actually sat down to talk seriously about it, because it's pretty daunting. We still have a lot of talking to do and figuring stuff out.

On the baby front, I just finished my second round of clomid this morning. I am feeling really good about this month. I really want to send those positive vibes out there. I have an appointment on Monday and hoping that we figure some stuff out. And my thyroid medication needs to be up'd and I have an appointment with that doctor in a week and a half. We're getting me to the healthiest I can be to make sure our baby is just as healthy.

Kasey is doing really good. He is a Specialist Promotable now and hopefully will get his Sergeant September 1st! I'm so proud of him. He has been working his ass off everyday and even then he is super helpful when I work late and he has to make dinner. I love our family!

Chester is still the same pain in the ass he always is and we still love him, especially when he's all sweet and cuddly. Kasey has been working really hard on training him and Chester listens a little better now... sometimes.

Izzy(Yzzy) is a potential new member of our family. One of momma kitty's babies. She's only 6 weeks old and is being fostered (that is a LONG story). We are still trying to see if she'll fit with us and Chester but Kasey is in love with her. Chester is a bit rambunctious but I'm hoping it will work out because baby needs a home.

And that's it for now. I know there's always more to talk about, but I'm already rambling.

Time Is Flying

I feel like since Kasey has come home, the time is flying by. It seems to take forever to pass when he is away, and then when he's here the days come and go so fast. So fast that his deployment is creeping up and it's making me anxious.

I know that he won't be "on the line" this time and that he shouldn't be doing as much as last time, but that doesn't make it any less nerve wracking. I would just rather have him here. Don't all of us military spouses want that? ;)

But that also means that time for me to make a decision is creeping up as well. Should I stay or should I go? It keeps changing. If you asked me a week and a half ago, I would say that it was 85/15 that I was staying and if you asked me two days ago it was 75/25 leaving, and if you ask me today, I don't know.

The pros and cons are basically the same as I've mentioned before, yet my mind keeps changing. Kasey wants me to go home. It makes sense, because besides him feeling that I'll be safer and around more people I know, I'll also have a place to live and hopefully a job set up so when he moves back and doesn't have a job himself, we will be ok. 

We had a discussion a few days ago and I kept throwing a lot of what ifs out there and he said I'm banking a lot on a decision because of what ifs. But that doesn't mean I'm still not thinking a lot about those.

I know I will probably feel a lot safer if I move back to Utah, depending on what part of Utah I move to, because it is just so scary here. While Kasey was gone, there was a scary incident that had me sleeping with the 1911 within arms reach of me all night.

It will be nice to be around family too and with a new nephew on the way, I could be some help if I were home too. And what if I get pregnant. It will be nice to have someone around to go to appointments with and share my excitement with.

But I also feel like I'm not ready to move back. If we plan on living in Utah after Kasey gets back for the rest of our lives then it's nice to have a break from there. I couldn't wait to get away in the first place. And I'm not that enthused to be moving back. But if that's where family is, then its nice to be around. Why couldn't everyone live in the UP? Or Wisconsin, I heard people are nice there.

Anyhoo, on the baby news, I just finished a round of clomid. With the thyroid medication in place and taking the fertility drugs, I'm hoping my hormones are on the mend and that my hostile uterus will be more welcoming for a tiny baby to make it's home for the next 9/10 months. So send baby dust my way everyone :D

Good News, Sort Of...

I am so happy we have finally figured out what's wrong with me! I have been able to finally go to the doctors and get blood work to see what's been going on.

I went to my Primary doctor first, even though I really thought that I would need to just see the OB/GYN. He didn't really have any answers for me besides my previous post mentioning I may have had a miscarriage. I got lab work done and he said he would refer me to an OB.

I set up and appointment with the Gynecologist and then just needed to wait. My primary doctor's office called me back and told me that it showed that my thyroid may be acting up, so I set up another appointment to come back in and see what's going on. Then I went to my appointment with the Gynecologist.

He was very nice and we talked for a bit and I told him all of the problems I have had in the past and the problems I am having now. He said I most likely have endometriosis again. I told him my doctor in Utah didn't want me to have another surgery because then that could cause more damage than good. He said what my other doctor told me as well, it's been proven that a lot of the problems I've been having go away after having a baby. So he said he can give me shots for the endometriosis, but that would make it harder to get pregnant while I'm on it since it affects my ovulating or he could start me on fertility pills. We went with the fertility pills :) Kasey and I want a family. So I will start those as soon as it's time to start them.

Then I went to my Primary a couple of days ago. He wanted me to get my blood work done again. He called me later and said that it's pretty clear that I have hypothyroidism. Yay! Well, not yay I have it, but yay that we know what's going on.

He gave me medication and I am going to have to be on it for the rest of my life to regulate my thyroid. But this is good news. Reading up on it, hypothyroidism can affect fertility. With the endometriosis, this may also have been the reason why we haven't been having any luck so far getting pregnant. And it's good we know now too, because if I hadn't known and ended up getting pregnant, it could have affected my pregnancy, my health, and the health of our baby. And that is obviously not a good outcome.

It's really good we found out what is going on when we did. Now we have the medications to fix everything and we can focus on my being healthy and focus on getting pregnant!

Also, I got a job!! I will be working at Hastings. And could move up to a managerial position in a months time or sooner. I am so excited. I actually feel like I'm going to enjoy it there. I am supposed to be a video associate, however, the only time I have spent in the store has been in the book section. I keep finding books that I would love to start reading! And the people I have interacted with there are pretty funny. Lot's of Keven Smith references and people dancing to the music and random bursts of accents....everything that I do!

And it makes me happy because I will be able to finally help out with things money wise. We can make it with Kasey's pay checks, but we can't do anything else besides that. This will definitely help us out. And Kasey wants me to be able to find more people to talk to instead of being at home all day. He's super sweet. And I really miss him like crazy. Just another couple weeks and he'll be home. I wish it were sooner. I just can't wait to pick him up!

Getting Better

I was finally able to go to the doctor this past week. It wasn't really a big help, but it was a step in the right direction. It's always that first step that needs to be made to get things going. Kasey wasn't able to get off work, but our friend Jessica came with me. I know I'm 24 and I should be able to go to appointments on my own, but it's always nice to have emotional support. And we enjoyed an hour and a half wait in the pharmacy just to get some naproxen and pre-natal pills.

Yes, pre-natal pills; no, I'm not pregnant, yet. We are trying. And I have been having problems for a while now so I wanted to be seen. And of course the doctor freaks me out by saying maybe I had a miscarriage and the problems that were elevated maybe have been because of that. Some of those numbers would add up. He did blood work, but it's been a nightmare to even see a doctor in the first place. I have to wait to hear back to set up an appointment for an OB/GYN. So we may not ever know if I did or not. But I'm not going to dwell on the potential bad news, I have actually been more upbeat and I'm doing my best to stay positive. I don't feel any different than I used to and I'm not going to stay down. I need to stay positive and active and healthy.

This weekend has been really great. It was definitely what we both needed. And it came with good news. Our dislocation came in, and it was more than we thought it was going to be. I'm not saying that money makes happiness and that we can't make it when it's tight. I think it's actually made us stronger. We have had some pretty hard times, and we have come through them. And I haven't second guessed being married with Kasey. This year has flown by, and we have been married 10 months now. It is just nice to have a break. We went out on a date Friday night. We saw the Hunger Games and then got Applebee's to go, and came home and just hung out and watched TV. And on Saturday we got shopping done and went shooting with some of Kasey's buddies. And I held my own! We shot shotguns and Kasey's rifle and then our handguns. My shoulder still hurts and it's Monday, but it's a good hurt. I had such a blast. Then Sunday we just relaxed and then we went out and had sushi! Months later we finally get some sushi! And it was so good. It was just a good treat and a great weekend.

Spending the ups and the downs with Kasey has been an adventure, and we definitely deserved a break, spend some time together, and not worry too much about bills or something that is coming up in a week and a half. It was just, "You want to go shooting today?" "Yes, yes I do want to go shooting today."

I love my husband. So so so so much!

Trying To Decide

Kasey's brother Tyler is flying in tomorrow for a short visit. I get to go pick him up at the airport since Kasey won't be able to get off work in time to go with. I have no idea where the airport is, but I guess I'll just wing it and go from there.

I'm really jealous that he has someone coming in to visit. Of course I'm ok with Tyler coming out. He's really nice and Kasey really needs this. He needs some family to come see him, he needs some guy time and to go hunting and just be out. I'm just being the pouty one stomping my foot and saying it's not fair! I want someone to come out and see me, I need a break too, someone to gossip and catch up with. I want one of my people to come out.

I understand it's pretty expensive though, so it kind of sucks. I know we have no money whatsoever. We are in the hole again, but Kasey gets paid this Friday and we should finally be getting our dislocation pay and that will definitely help us out since we don't need to get anything with it like a washer and dryer or a dog. I'm still looking for a job, but I have not heard anything back and it's very discouraging. Tomorrow we have an FRG meeting though and I should be able to get some help that way to see if there's anything available to apply for.

But this is where the decision comes in: If Kasey is deploying again. What am I going to do? If I had a job, the decision would be so much easier. I would obviously stay here and keep my job and keep busy. But I don't have a job. I'm hoping I have one soon, otherwise I'll be here alone with nothing to do at all. But would I really go back to Utah? If I did, what would that say about me? Am I weak? And even if I do move back, I'm not guaranteed a job there either. And where will I live? It would have to be somewhere that I can have Chester. And i would have to move all of my stuff back after I'm finally getting all of the last boxes unpacked and finally put away. Plus, if Kasey deploys, when he comes back, he will be here for a couple of months. If I left, then he would be here while I'm in Utah. Sure we would already have been apart for awhile because of the deployment, but I wouldn't want to be in Utah if he were in the States and I wasn't with him. That wouldn't make sense to me. But then if I came back, where would we stay for those few months? It would be pointless to move everything back for a couple months only to turn around and go back to Utah again. It's all just a jumbled up mess of what I could do and what I should do and what I want to do.

Can you see the conundrum in my brain???

Kasey is worried about me, and I don't want him to be. But how can I ease that worry when I am so unsure myself. Now that I have all those thoughts out, I do feel a little better anyway so it's not just scrambled up inside. It doesn't have me any closer to what I am going to do though. We have a little more time before any of that happens though, so I guess like the saying goes, only time will tell.