Trying To Decide

Kasey's brother Tyler is flying in tomorrow for a short visit. I get to go pick him up at the airport since Kasey won't be able to get off work in time to go with. I have no idea where the airport is, but I guess I'll just wing it and go from there.

I'm really jealous that he has someone coming in to visit. Of course I'm ok with Tyler coming out. He's really nice and Kasey really needs this. He needs some family to come see him, he needs some guy time and to go hunting and just be out. I'm just being the pouty one stomping my foot and saying it's not fair! I want someone to come out and see me, I need a break too, someone to gossip and catch up with. I want one of my people to come out.

I understand it's pretty expensive though, so it kind of sucks. I know we have no money whatsoever. We are in the hole again, but Kasey gets paid this Friday and we should finally be getting our dislocation pay and that will definitely help us out since we don't need to get anything with it like a washer and dryer or a dog. I'm still looking for a job, but I have not heard anything back and it's very discouraging. Tomorrow we have an FRG meeting though and I should be able to get some help that way to see if there's anything available to apply for.

But this is where the decision comes in: If Kasey is deploying again. What am I going to do? If I had a job, the decision would be so much easier. I would obviously stay here and keep my job and keep busy. But I don't have a job. I'm hoping I have one soon, otherwise I'll be here alone with nothing to do at all. But would I really go back to Utah? If I did, what would that say about me? Am I weak? And even if I do move back, I'm not guaranteed a job there either. And where will I live? It would have to be somewhere that I can have Chester. And i would have to move all of my stuff back after I'm finally getting all of the last boxes unpacked and finally put away. Plus, if Kasey deploys, when he comes back, he will be here for a couple of months. If I left, then he would be here while I'm in Utah. Sure we would already have been apart for awhile because of the deployment, but I wouldn't want to be in Utah if he were in the States and I wasn't with him. That wouldn't make sense to me. But then if I came back, where would we stay for those few months? It would be pointless to move everything back for a couple months only to turn around and go back to Utah again. It's all just a jumbled up mess of what I could do and what I should do and what I want to do.

Can you see the conundrum in my brain???

Kasey is worried about me, and I don't want him to be. But how can I ease that worry when I am so unsure myself. Now that I have all those thoughts out, I do feel a little better anyway so it's not just scrambled up inside. It doesn't have me any closer to what I am going to do though. We have a little more time before any of that happens though, so I guess like the saying goes, only time will tell.

Fed Up

This is going to be a venting one. Again? Yes, again. So if you don't want to read, no problemo. I'm just super frustrated and on edge lately. I'm really tired and stressed and it's just never ending. And I blame the dog.

That's right, I said it. And I know it's sad and horrible. We wanted a puppy and no I'm not mean to him. I still love on him and play with him and feed him and give him kisses. But I am so completely frustrated. Potty training has been so frustrating. He has gotten better, so that's a good thing. But he still has accidents, no matter how diligent we are to taking him out as soon as he wakes up, after he eats, after play time, almost every half hour in between. And still he has accidents.

When we got him, we let him sleep on the bed at night until we got a crate and he would get up in the middle of the night and pee on the bed. Then we got a crate and he would freak out and whine and whine and whine, but then he got better and we were able to get a few hours of sleep until he whined in the middle of the night to be let out and then I would take him outside and then spend the rest of the night on the couch with him. And then he started waking up sooner and sooner. And now he whines like crazy as soon as we put him in the kennel. So now its to the point where I just start off the night on the couch. And during the weekend, kasey slept on the couch with him so I could get sleep since I'm with the dog all week. And for that I am grateful, but also mad about. I want to wake up next to my husband. I feel like I'm losing more sleep because I don't sleep well when I'm not with Kasey.

So then last night I get on the couch and the dog is doing so good, he goes right to sleep, and he's not in my way and I know he will sleep for a while. I normally wake up pretty easy, so if he moves then I will get up. But then I wake up to the sound of him throwing up on my new couch. And to make it worse, its right in a crack, so it not only gets one cushion, but two. And this is at three in the morning. Of course I don't discipline him, he hadn't been feeling good all day, but it's definitely not the thing I want to wake up to. I clean it up, and we go back to sleep. Thankfully the oustide of the cushions unzip and I threw it in the washer. But then for his morning nap, he is cuddling on me, and I see a little spot on his belly and I rub it and it scurries away. He has fleas. Oh yay! Ugh.

He bites, and I can't get him to stop. He think it's a game when I pop him on the nose and yell no, and I give him his toy, but then just drops it and goes right back to biting and nipping. He knows sit and stay when it comes to feeding time, so I'm glad he has some manners. And it's adorable to see him wag his tail when Kasey comes home. He likes to be right by our side and I think he follows me around more, but he listens to Kasey better. When Kasey is outside and has him off leash, Chester listens to him, but I have to take him out on the leash because he just wanders off.

And all this time it is really discouraging me and making me feel like I'm not going to be a good mother at all. I tell myself that I will be different if it's my own flesh and blood and probably feel differently about things. But it's disheartening. I have a feeling that I wouldn't mind if the baby threw up on me or on the couch, or if it needed to cry and be fed in the middle of the night. I know I'm going to be tired all the time then. So why do I feel like this way towards our puppy now? I just want to be a good mom and be able to take care of my baby. And I'm nervous that this shows that I'm not going to be. I can't even take care of a dog.

Lately I seem to always write in here lately when I'm having down days or starting to feel a little down. So, I'm sorry if my blog has become depressing or boring or repetitive or whiny or annoying. It's just been my outlet to get my feelings out. Well, maybe since Winchester is napping, I'll take a little nap too.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore Toto

If you have Facebook, you can see, we are puppy parents! That's another change that has happened lately. We got a Weimeraner boy and named him Winchester. He should be about 7 weeks now. And he is a major pain in the butt. I think I am mostly resentful and jealous because we weren't able to get our German Shepherd first. But I think I'm doing my best with caring for Chester anyway. He has fewer accidents with constant vigilance, and he sits before we feed him which is adorable, and when stays with us when we take him out to the bathroom, although he is not a fan of the leash, he would prefer to just walk with us. He seems to listen to Kasey more. But I am very appreciative to have him at home keeping me company and busy during the day while Kasey is gone.

I have still been looking for a job and I applied to Petsmart. There just aren't any government jobs I can apply for here and it's discouraging. And I would love to work at Petsmart, but they seem to be pretty strict about outside appearances, so even if I am over qualified to run the cash register, I probably wouldn't get the job because I have art on my skin. It's just all a difference to me from where I was a year ago and my jobs not bothering about the colors I have drawn on me. I got my work done and that's all that mattered. I'll keep looking though. I really want to help out as much as I can.

I have also been keeping busy with housework. We finally got a washer and dryer this past weekend and I have been busting my ass to get all the dirty laundry we had done, and it makes me feel like I'm contributing at least a little. I am doing the dishes all the time and cooking. As much as I can help out, I do.

This past weekend we were supposed to go to Detroit for my Christmas/Birthday present for a hockey game and we weren't able to go. I was and am still pretty disappointed about it. Kasey had to work some of this weekend so we couldn't go. It would have been really nice to be able to get away and watch a game. He knows how much I love the Wings and he was just as disappointed. So now I'm not sure what we're going to do. Maybe just save up ideas for my next birthday? haha who knows. But we were able to get a puppy sitter and we went out on a really nice date and that was a very welcomed break. We went to a movie and had a nice dinner and I got all did up and it was just really nice.

The weather here is different. The day before yesterday was just perfect and I loved it, and then yesterday we had thunderstorms and tornado warnings, and now today feels perfect again, and guess what's in store tomorrow? More thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms, don't get me wrong. But I didn't enjoy spending some of my time wholed up in my husband's man cave under the stairs listening to tornado warnings and a puppy whining the whole time. It was nerve wracking to be alone for it this time, but I had contact with Kasey the whole time and I didn't freak out as much because I was pretty determined no matter what to stay safe for my husband or he'd be pretty mad at me ;)

I'm still having my ups and downs emotionally. I do still feel lonely. Of course I have Kasey, and I am so thankful all the time for that. But when he's at work, I just feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to come and visit me. It's hard to explain everything without being whiny or hypocritical and annoying. I just get frustrated a lot. I'm very glad that Kasey is so understanding of my mood swings and he lets me complain a LOT. It's just still a lot of changes and I need to get used to it. But my husband puts a lot in perspective for me, and I am getting better. 

The Last Year and Updates

After New Year's and my birthday, it has been a bit of a reflection phase about how the last year or so has gone. And it's actually gone by pretty quick, but so much was jam packed into it. Last January Kasey came home for leave and we decided to start planning a wedding, he was sent back and we lost a family member, lots of wedding preparations were done and a lot of stress and anxiety went on, then he was finally done with Afghanistan and came home to marry me and we had a great honeymoon, then he had to go away to Germany since he was stationed there, then I decided I couldn't wait for the possibility that he might come home near Christmas so I bought myself a plan ticket and went to Germany, then he finally came home, we packed up all of our things, and we moved together to Tennessee. And that's the short version.

So many firsts, so many goodbyes, so much stress, a bit of hurt, a lot of longing. It's funny when people say it was all worth it, especially with going through so much. And true, it could definitely have been worse. And I would do this last year all over again the exact same way every single time if I was given the option. Nothing comes without hard work, without sacrifices of some sorts, without wanting something so bad.

My family grew this year, I have more parents-if you will-and more siblings. I am so thankful that I get along with Kasey's family so well. It was so nerve wracking meeting them for the first time, wanting their approval, hoping I didn't let them or Kasey down, hoping that they would know in their hearts if Kasey picked the right one to become a new family member. I felt welcomed right away, being invited to spend time with them even after Kasey was sent back to war. My family-my parents, Brittni, Fritz, Cooper-and Kasey's family really kept me going this year. It was a lot of back up that I am completely grateful for.

This past year has just been the first chapter in the new book of our life together. I can't wait to find out what else is in store for us with every turn of the page.

Well we finally have our new place and we finally have cable and Internet and we finally have all of our stuff here from storage. It's so exciting. Our place is looking more and more like a home and its great to feel more comfortable in it. I really need to take some pictures of our set up. The living room is done. The kitchen is mostly done. There are just two boxes of mostly paperwork I need to go through. The upstairs rooms need some work, but I am hoping to clear most of that up this week.

Things have been really tight with money and it has been pretty stressful. But thankfully we are holding together strong and working everything out. I have been making dinners basically every night, and if you know me, this is a new thing. I used to help out my family with dinners when I lived at home with them, but it has been a long time since I have actually cooked things for someone other than myself. So far I think he is enjoying it! Or at least telling me he likes it ;) haha 

I do the dishes basically every day too. That is also different than when living alone. I like it clean in here and I want it to show that I care if it is clean for the other person as well. We also go through a lot of dishes since there are now two of us.

Kasey hung up some pictures around the house and it looks really great. We're still not done decorating, but this is a great start and I love that we have pictures going up the stairwell. Soon, we will be able to get our puppy. We did taxes yesterday and the returns will be here soon. Then we can plan our trip to Detroit to use the tickets he got me for Christmas for the hockey game there and we can get the puppy, and then save as much as we can with the rest.

I love being married to Kasey. He is the sweetest man ever. My favorite part of the day is when he wakes me up in the morning with a hug before he leaves for work, and then when we are laying down at the end of the day ready for sleep, we always kiss each other good night and say "I love you". I know, cheesy, but I really don't care. I am so happy. They seem like such little things, but they really are the biggest.

Things Are Looking Up

Happy late New Year!! I've been wanting to write in here but then feeling unmotivated to do so. So far the beginning of the year still has had it's roller coaster moments, but we've been working through them.

We were still playing the waiting game and it was definitely taking a toll on my patience and I was taking it out on Kasey. I have been completely selfish. I need to sit back and remember, everything that I am going through, Kasey is going through too. I use words like "I" and "me" too often, and when I'm complaining to Kasey I sometimes forget to ask him how he is doing with everything; he is the one always comforting me, and not the other way around.

I definitely feel that since our talk the other day, things have definitely lightened considerably and I am a little less tense with everything, with Kasey's support, and everything has moved to excitement :) That's right! We finally will have a place to live as of this Friday! We had been waiting for a couple of weeks for things to fall into place with this town home that we wanted and it finally did.

We had looked at an apartment, Peacher's Mill, previously during that day because it was the only one we had heard back from that would allow up to 100lb dogs. However it still did not allow German Shepherds. Kasey and I had decided to get his dog first, the Weimeraner. It can get up to about 70lbs or so. It was a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment and it wasn't so bad, but there was this feeling that was irking me, and I had started thinking about this other place that we had previously called on that said they had a town home available. While we were looking at the Peacher's Mill apartment, we inquired again about the dog policy and she then said that it was a 50lb weight limit and that she wasn't so sure about the kind of dog we wanted, even though she also said that someone else in the apartment unit had that kind of dog. She also said they used to allow huskies, but that was before the weight limit change and that we would have to get a miniature if we wanted that.

So we filled out an application since she said she would look into the Weimeraner for us, but we didn't pay the $100 holding fee. Kasey and I decided to call the other place with the town home, The Residence's, back. It would be available January 25th. They didn't have an available place to show us, but said they had pictures on their computer they could show us, so we drove over there and looked at them. The place was so much better, seemed so much cleaner, more open, more around everything, we wouldn't have to worry about people in an apartment above us, and so on. And they allowed Weimeraners. So we filled out an application there and decided we would put the $100 holding fee on that. And all we had to do was wait for them to run our application and to get into the Army help program to get the place as well.

The next day while Kasey was at work, I took Jessica with me to show her the area of the Peacher's Mill apartment. And as we drove by, we not only saw a full grown husky outside with their owner walking it, but a legit purebred (beautiful I might add) Pitbull. I got SO mad. Not that I have anything wrong to say about Pitbulls, but if they are the number one dog on the vicious breeds list not allowed at apartments and this apartment would make an exception for that, then why would they not make an exception for my German Shepherd that I want to get? It definitely made me feel a little easier about going to The Residence's.

So last Friday, we went in as The Residence's had requested us, and we started the application process and had to go back and forth from them to the post to apply for the RPP program (the army housing help program) and finally we signed the lease and are able to move in on this coming Friday! We haven't even technically seen the place, besides the pictures of what it would look like, but really, I don't care at this point. We will have a place to call home while we are here. It's a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath town home and I am ecstatic.

Once we get to check it out, I will have to take pictures and post them on my facebook page or something. I can't wait to decorate it and finally get all of my stuff out of storage. And then, we will get our puppy!! Yay! :)

One Step at a Time

Just wanted to say something in advance before I begin this post. I'm pretty sure I'll get a few comments telling me how grateful I should be. I KNOW how grateful I should be and how grateful I am. That's not a question. This is a place for me to vent and to share how I am feeling and how we are doing. If I am having a bad day, I am entitled to talk about it. The awesomeness of freedom of speech. That being said...

My emotions are all over the place. I'm feeling so scrambled. It has been a difficult time trying to find a place to live. Have there been places available? Yes. Are we not getting these places because we're being too picky? No. There is so little availability out here because this Army Post is huge. Base housing has a wait of 6-8 months. We basically decided then that we are going to be looking off post. And we have been doing that.

We begin looking online and found a couple of houses for rent that seemed really great. We needed to move fast because some houses that were available online were already taken by the time we called. We set up a time to check out a nice house. We were so excited. I loved this house. It was bigger than some of the ones we found online and it was for the same price. It was in a nice neighborhood and it was just great. I took a lot of pictures and could see us living there and have our dog and our things and everything.

So we went to the realty to fill out an application. Along with that we had to pay a $25 fee. Then we were told to call back in the afternoon to let us know how the application went. I called back and was very disappointed to find we were not approved and that there wasn't a reason written on the paper this lady looked at, but that we wouldn't be getting that house or any other house that realty had to offer and then she hung up the phone. I was pretty devastated. The finality of her words were just so rude, and not being given an explanation was very surprising. Of course I cried. I have been on edge so much lately because of more things and I just was not ready to be told no, we can't have our house.

We started to look for other places and called a realtor this time and went out to look at another house. This one was better than the first. I was a lot more hesitant this time and did not have my hopes up in the least bit. I really wanted this one too. We were sent to a different agency and filled out another application and paid $30 this time. We were told we would get a call within the next 24 hours and then all we had to do was wait. We got a call at 8 the next morning telling us that we weren't approved for that one either. They said that it had "something to do with the credit" and that they printed out a paper for us to come look at to see what went wrong. We went out there and it just turned out to be a number to call to check our credit score.

Kasey's credit isn't the best, but mine is. I can't help but feel like it's because I am not working and bringing in money that they aren't taking my credit into account. I wanted to wait to look for a job until we found a place and were settled, but now we cant get a place because I'm not working. It's been very hard. So we went to housing and they gave us a list of apartments and some brochures and I have been working my butt off looking online and calling places trying to find one with availability and one that allows dogs. The waiting game is so hard and it seems like that is all I ever do.

Kasey is worried about me. I feel like I am letting him down and letting my emotions get the best of me. I know it is hurting his feelings in return. He wants to make me happy. He wants to give me everything and we are just having a tough time getting everything right now. It will all work out, of that I am positive. I am just trying to keep my emotions in check, and I am having a tough time of it.

And this is why I feel so crazy and so all over the place. I am so bummed out about this and so emotional and having a hard time, but then I can't help but feel so happy. It's crazy being sad and happy at the same time, but I am. I am SO happy to be here with Kasey and I am so happy he's home and we get to do this together and get to be around each other. I am so thankful he has friends here and they're letting us stay with them. I feel bad because they are finally able to be together after all of these deployments and they need their alone time too.

Kasey has been amazing to me. Christmas was really good. Trevor, Jessica, Kasey and I all took turns opening presents and Jessica made us a wonderful dinner. I was completely spoiled. My family gave me everything even if I didn't ask for it or make a list or give them anything in return. I feel bad about that too. And my wonderful husband bought two tickets to go see the Red Wings play in Detroit in February.

ok. And I know we'll be ok, because I married a wonderful man who is so caring and he puts up with me. And he loves me for me. Even if I am a bawl baby.

Home?

We're here! And we have internet to hook our computers up to as well. It feels weird going from an I-phone for a couple of weeks back to a lap top. I like the clickity-clack this makes. Anyhoo...

The trip out here was great! We took three days and we got to see a few things and it was just a great experience to have together and I'm really happy to have made it here in one piece! We got along the entire time and that was perfect. I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted to and I kept forgetting to grab my camera. But I will put up what I took when I get the chance.

We drove to Mt. Rushmore and that was pretty cool. It was very cold outside. We made it in the night before to Rapid City. It was incredibly foggy and when we were driving toward the sculpture we were worried if it had been a waste of time because we wouldn't be able to see it, but the skies cleared on the way and it was great! It's smaller in person, because you always see close up pictures of it and everything. The eyes were pretty creepy too. But I know I got a lot of pictures of that, so I will have to find a good one to post.

We went through St. Louis, during rush hour traffic no less, and it was so HUGE. I couldn't get any good pictures because of the stop and go traffic, but it was still amazing to see and I cant wait to go and check in out when we have more time. All of the sports arenas were pretty close to each other and close to the freeway and I thought that was pretty awesome. It was weird seeing a Home Depot right off the freeway and downtown. And there were like apartments or condos inside an old factory warehouse type building right on the side of the freeway. That was really cool to look at too. There were a lot of old structures in Missouri., we had driven through St. Joseph earlier in the day and that was pretty cool to see too.

We are staying with one of Kasey's buddies and his wife, and I am loving it here. They are so nice and I am so grateful to have a place to stay. Jessica and Trevor have been awesome. Their stuff just arrived today and I am so jealous watching them unpack everything and set their place up. I can't wait to do that.

We had been wanting to get a place on post, but Kasey heard form a friend that it might be at least 6 months to get one. We can't stay with the Sampson's forever! They need their alone time and to be able to have their spare room to themselves, and we need to be able to be alone and just be together alone finally. And I want to be able to set our home up too. So I think we will be looking off post if Kasey comes back today and confirms if the wait is going to be that long. We need somewhere that allows dogs since we want to get a puppy soon.

It will all work out, eventually. Unfortunately, it's still a waiting game. We will figure things out together though, and I'm so happy about that. Now I'm just waiting for him to get off work! He needs to hurry up! ;)