Time Is Flying

I feel like since Kasey has come home, the time is flying by. It seems to take forever to pass when he is away, and then when he's here the days come and go so fast. So fast that his deployment is creeping up and it's making me anxious.

I know that he won't be "on the line" this time and that he shouldn't be doing as much as last time, but that doesn't make it any less nerve wracking. I would just rather have him here. Don't all of us military spouses want that? ;)

But that also means that time for me to make a decision is creeping up as well. Should I stay or should I go? It keeps changing. If you asked me a week and a half ago, I would say that it was 85/15 that I was staying and if you asked me two days ago it was 75/25 leaving, and if you ask me today, I don't know.

The pros and cons are basically the same as I've mentioned before, yet my mind keeps changing. Kasey wants me to go home. It makes sense, because besides him feeling that I'll be safer and around more people I know, I'll also have a place to live and hopefully a job set up so when he moves back and doesn't have a job himself, we will be ok. 

We had a discussion a few days ago and I kept throwing a lot of what ifs out there and he said I'm banking a lot on a decision because of what ifs. But that doesn't mean I'm still not thinking a lot about those.

I know I will probably feel a lot safer if I move back to Utah, depending on what part of Utah I move to, because it is just so scary here. While Kasey was gone, there was a scary incident that had me sleeping with the 1911 within arms reach of me all night.

It will be nice to be around family too and with a new nephew on the way, I could be some help if I were home too. And what if I get pregnant. It will be nice to have someone around to go to appointments with and share my excitement with.

But I also feel like I'm not ready to move back. If we plan on living in Utah after Kasey gets back for the rest of our lives then it's nice to have a break from there. I couldn't wait to get away in the first place. And I'm not that enthused to be moving back. But if that's where family is, then its nice to be around. Why couldn't everyone live in the UP? Or Wisconsin, I heard people are nice there.

Anyhoo, on the baby news, I just finished a round of clomid. With the thyroid medication in place and taking the fertility drugs, I'm hoping my hormones are on the mend and that my hostile uterus will be more welcoming for a tiny baby to make it's home for the next 9/10 months. So send baby dust my way everyone :D

Good News, Sort Of...

I am so happy we have finally figured out what's wrong with me! I have been able to finally go to the doctors and get blood work to see what's been going on.

I went to my Primary doctor first, even though I really thought that I would need to just see the OB/GYN. He didn't really have any answers for me besides my previous post mentioning I may have had a miscarriage. I got lab work done and he said he would refer me to an OB.

I set up and appointment with the Gynecologist and then just needed to wait. My primary doctor's office called me back and told me that it showed that my thyroid may be acting up, so I set up another appointment to come back in and see what's going on. Then I went to my appointment with the Gynecologist.

He was very nice and we talked for a bit and I told him all of the problems I have had in the past and the problems I am having now. He said I most likely have endometriosis again. I told him my doctor in Utah didn't want me to have another surgery because then that could cause more damage than good. He said what my other doctor told me as well, it's been proven that a lot of the problems I've been having go away after having a baby. So he said he can give me shots for the endometriosis, but that would make it harder to get pregnant while I'm on it since it affects my ovulating or he could start me on fertility pills. We went with the fertility pills :) Kasey and I want a family. So I will start those as soon as it's time to start them.

Then I went to my Primary a couple of days ago. He wanted me to get my blood work done again. He called me later and said that it's pretty clear that I have hypothyroidism. Yay! Well, not yay I have it, but yay that we know what's going on.

He gave me medication and I am going to have to be on it for the rest of my life to regulate my thyroid. But this is good news. Reading up on it, hypothyroidism can affect fertility. With the endometriosis, this may also have been the reason why we haven't been having any luck so far getting pregnant. And it's good we know now too, because if I hadn't known and ended up getting pregnant, it could have affected my pregnancy, my health, and the health of our baby. And that is obviously not a good outcome.

It's really good we found out what is going on when we did. Now we have the medications to fix everything and we can focus on my being healthy and focus on getting pregnant!

Also, I got a job!! I will be working at Hastings. And could move up to a managerial position in a months time or sooner. I am so excited. I actually feel like I'm going to enjoy it there. I am supposed to be a video associate, however, the only time I have spent in the store has been in the book section. I keep finding books that I would love to start reading! And the people I have interacted with there are pretty funny. Lot's of Keven Smith references and people dancing to the music and random bursts of accents....everything that I do!

And it makes me happy because I will be able to finally help out with things money wise. We can make it with Kasey's pay checks, but we can't do anything else besides that. This will definitely help us out. And Kasey wants me to be able to find more people to talk to instead of being at home all day. He's super sweet. And I really miss him like crazy. Just another couple weeks and he'll be home. I wish it were sooner. I just can't wait to pick him up!

Getting Better

I was finally able to go to the doctor this past week. It wasn't really a big help, but it was a step in the right direction. It's always that first step that needs to be made to get things going. Kasey wasn't able to get off work, but our friend Jessica came with me. I know I'm 24 and I should be able to go to appointments on my own, but it's always nice to have emotional support. And we enjoyed an hour and a half wait in the pharmacy just to get some naproxen and pre-natal pills.

Yes, pre-natal pills; no, I'm not pregnant, yet. We are trying. And I have been having problems for a while now so I wanted to be seen. And of course the doctor freaks me out by saying maybe I had a miscarriage and the problems that were elevated maybe have been because of that. Some of those numbers would add up. He did blood work, but it's been a nightmare to even see a doctor in the first place. I have to wait to hear back to set up an appointment for an OB/GYN. So we may not ever know if I did or not. But I'm not going to dwell on the potential bad news, I have actually been more upbeat and I'm doing my best to stay positive. I don't feel any different than I used to and I'm not going to stay down. I need to stay positive and active and healthy.

This weekend has been really great. It was definitely what we both needed. And it came with good news. Our dislocation came in, and it was more than we thought it was going to be. I'm not saying that money makes happiness and that we can't make it when it's tight. I think it's actually made us stronger. We have had some pretty hard times, and we have come through them. And I haven't second guessed being married with Kasey. This year has flown by, and we have been married 10 months now. It is just nice to have a break. We went out on a date Friday night. We saw the Hunger Games and then got Applebee's to go, and came home and just hung out and watched TV. And on Saturday we got shopping done and went shooting with some of Kasey's buddies. And I held my own! We shot shotguns and Kasey's rifle and then our handguns. My shoulder still hurts and it's Monday, but it's a good hurt. I had such a blast. Then Sunday we just relaxed and then we went out and had sushi! Months later we finally get some sushi! And it was so good. It was just a good treat and a great weekend.

Spending the ups and the downs with Kasey has been an adventure, and we definitely deserved a break, spend some time together, and not worry too much about bills or something that is coming up in a week and a half. It was just, "You want to go shooting today?" "Yes, yes I do want to go shooting today."

I love my husband. So so so so much!

Trying To Decide

Kasey's brother Tyler is flying in tomorrow for a short visit. I get to go pick him up at the airport since Kasey won't be able to get off work in time to go with. I have no idea where the airport is, but I guess I'll just wing it and go from there.

I'm really jealous that he has someone coming in to visit. Of course I'm ok with Tyler coming out. He's really nice and Kasey really needs this. He needs some family to come see him, he needs some guy time and to go hunting and just be out. I'm just being the pouty one stomping my foot and saying it's not fair! I want someone to come out and see me, I need a break too, someone to gossip and catch up with. I want one of my people to come out.

I understand it's pretty expensive though, so it kind of sucks. I know we have no money whatsoever. We are in the hole again, but Kasey gets paid this Friday and we should finally be getting our dislocation pay and that will definitely help us out since we don't need to get anything with it like a washer and dryer or a dog. I'm still looking for a job, but I have not heard anything back and it's very discouraging. Tomorrow we have an FRG meeting though and I should be able to get some help that way to see if there's anything available to apply for.

But this is where the decision comes in: If Kasey is deploying again. What am I going to do? If I had a job, the decision would be so much easier. I would obviously stay here and keep my job and keep busy. But I don't have a job. I'm hoping I have one soon, otherwise I'll be here alone with nothing to do at all. But would I really go back to Utah? If I did, what would that say about me? Am I weak? And even if I do move back, I'm not guaranteed a job there either. And where will I live? It would have to be somewhere that I can have Chester. And i would have to move all of my stuff back after I'm finally getting all of the last boxes unpacked and finally put away. Plus, if Kasey deploys, when he comes back, he will be here for a couple of months. If I left, then he would be here while I'm in Utah. Sure we would already have been apart for awhile because of the deployment, but I wouldn't want to be in Utah if he were in the States and I wasn't with him. That wouldn't make sense to me. But then if I came back, where would we stay for those few months? It would be pointless to move everything back for a couple months only to turn around and go back to Utah again. It's all just a jumbled up mess of what I could do and what I should do and what I want to do.

Can you see the conundrum in my brain???

Kasey is worried about me, and I don't want him to be. But how can I ease that worry when I am so unsure myself. Now that I have all those thoughts out, I do feel a little better anyway so it's not just scrambled up inside. It doesn't have me any closer to what I am going to do though. We have a little more time before any of that happens though, so I guess like the saying goes, only time will tell.

Fed Up

This is going to be a venting one. Again? Yes, again. So if you don't want to read, no problemo. I'm just super frustrated and on edge lately. I'm really tired and stressed and it's just never ending. And I blame the dog.

That's right, I said it. And I know it's sad and horrible. We wanted a puppy and no I'm not mean to him. I still love on him and play with him and feed him and give him kisses. But I am so completely frustrated. Potty training has been so frustrating. He has gotten better, so that's a good thing. But he still has accidents, no matter how diligent we are to taking him out as soon as he wakes up, after he eats, after play time, almost every half hour in between. And still he has accidents.

When we got him, we let him sleep on the bed at night until we got a crate and he would get up in the middle of the night and pee on the bed. Then we got a crate and he would freak out and whine and whine and whine, but then he got better and we were able to get a few hours of sleep until he whined in the middle of the night to be let out and then I would take him outside and then spend the rest of the night on the couch with him. And then he started waking up sooner and sooner. And now he whines like crazy as soon as we put him in the kennel. So now its to the point where I just start off the night on the couch. And during the weekend, kasey slept on the couch with him so I could get sleep since I'm with the dog all week. And for that I am grateful, but also mad about. I want to wake up next to my husband. I feel like I'm losing more sleep because I don't sleep well when I'm not with Kasey.

So then last night I get on the couch and the dog is doing so good, he goes right to sleep, and he's not in my way and I know he will sleep for a while. I normally wake up pretty easy, so if he moves then I will get up. But then I wake up to the sound of him throwing up on my new couch. And to make it worse, its right in a crack, so it not only gets one cushion, but two. And this is at three in the morning. Of course I don't discipline him, he hadn't been feeling good all day, but it's definitely not the thing I want to wake up to. I clean it up, and we go back to sleep. Thankfully the oustide of the cushions unzip and I threw it in the washer. But then for his morning nap, he is cuddling on me, and I see a little spot on his belly and I rub it and it scurries away. He has fleas. Oh yay! Ugh.

He bites, and I can't get him to stop. He think it's a game when I pop him on the nose and yell no, and I give him his toy, but then just drops it and goes right back to biting and nipping. He knows sit and stay when it comes to feeding time, so I'm glad he has some manners. And it's adorable to see him wag his tail when Kasey comes home. He likes to be right by our side and I think he follows me around more, but he listens to Kasey better. When Kasey is outside and has him off leash, Chester listens to him, but I have to take him out on the leash because he just wanders off.

And all this time it is really discouraging me and making me feel like I'm not going to be a good mother at all. I tell myself that I will be different if it's my own flesh and blood and probably feel differently about things. But it's disheartening. I have a feeling that I wouldn't mind if the baby threw up on me or on the couch, or if it needed to cry and be fed in the middle of the night. I know I'm going to be tired all the time then. So why do I feel like this way towards our puppy now? I just want to be a good mom and be able to take care of my baby. And I'm nervous that this shows that I'm not going to be. I can't even take care of a dog.

Lately I seem to always write in here lately when I'm having down days or starting to feel a little down. So, I'm sorry if my blog has become depressing or boring or repetitive or whiny or annoying. It's just been my outlet to get my feelings out. Well, maybe since Winchester is napping, I'll take a little nap too.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore Toto

If you have Facebook, you can see, we are puppy parents! That's another change that has happened lately. We got a Weimeraner boy and named him Winchester. He should be about 7 weeks now. And he is a major pain in the butt. I think I am mostly resentful and jealous because we weren't able to get our German Shepherd first. But I think I'm doing my best with caring for Chester anyway. He has fewer accidents with constant vigilance, and he sits before we feed him which is adorable, and when stays with us when we take him out to the bathroom, although he is not a fan of the leash, he would prefer to just walk with us. He seems to listen to Kasey more. But I am very appreciative to have him at home keeping me company and busy during the day while Kasey is gone.

I have still been looking for a job and I applied to Petsmart. There just aren't any government jobs I can apply for here and it's discouraging. And I would love to work at Petsmart, but they seem to be pretty strict about outside appearances, so even if I am over qualified to run the cash register, I probably wouldn't get the job because I have art on my skin. It's just all a difference to me from where I was a year ago and my jobs not bothering about the colors I have drawn on me. I got my work done and that's all that mattered. I'll keep looking though. I really want to help out as much as I can.

I have also been keeping busy with housework. We finally got a washer and dryer this past weekend and I have been busting my ass to get all the dirty laundry we had done, and it makes me feel like I'm contributing at least a little. I am doing the dishes all the time and cooking. As much as I can help out, I do.

This past weekend we were supposed to go to Detroit for my Christmas/Birthday present for a hockey game and we weren't able to go. I was and am still pretty disappointed about it. Kasey had to work some of this weekend so we couldn't go. It would have been really nice to be able to get away and watch a game. He knows how much I love the Wings and he was just as disappointed. So now I'm not sure what we're going to do. Maybe just save up ideas for my next birthday? haha who knows. But we were able to get a puppy sitter and we went out on a really nice date and that was a very welcomed break. We went to a movie and had a nice dinner and I got all did up and it was just really nice.

The weather here is different. The day before yesterday was just perfect and I loved it, and then yesterday we had thunderstorms and tornado warnings, and now today feels perfect again, and guess what's in store tomorrow? More thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms, don't get me wrong. But I didn't enjoy spending some of my time wholed up in my husband's man cave under the stairs listening to tornado warnings and a puppy whining the whole time. It was nerve wracking to be alone for it this time, but I had contact with Kasey the whole time and I didn't freak out as much because I was pretty determined no matter what to stay safe for my husband or he'd be pretty mad at me ;)

I'm still having my ups and downs emotionally. I do still feel lonely. Of course I have Kasey, and I am so thankful all the time for that. But when he's at work, I just feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to come and visit me. It's hard to explain everything without being whiny or hypocritical and annoying. I just get frustrated a lot. I'm very glad that Kasey is so understanding of my mood swings and he lets me complain a LOT. It's just still a lot of changes and I need to get used to it. But my husband puts a lot in perspective for me, and I am getting better. 

The Last Year and Updates

After New Year's and my birthday, it has been a bit of a reflection phase about how the last year or so has gone. And it's actually gone by pretty quick, but so much was jam packed into it. Last January Kasey came home for leave and we decided to start planning a wedding, he was sent back and we lost a family member, lots of wedding preparations were done and a lot of stress and anxiety went on, then he was finally done with Afghanistan and came home to marry me and we had a great honeymoon, then he had to go away to Germany since he was stationed there, then I decided I couldn't wait for the possibility that he might come home near Christmas so I bought myself a plan ticket and went to Germany, then he finally came home, we packed up all of our things, and we moved together to Tennessee. And that's the short version.

So many firsts, so many goodbyes, so much stress, a bit of hurt, a lot of longing. It's funny when people say it was all worth it, especially with going through so much. And true, it could definitely have been worse. And I would do this last year all over again the exact same way every single time if I was given the option. Nothing comes without hard work, without sacrifices of some sorts, without wanting something so bad.

My family grew this year, I have more parents-if you will-and more siblings. I am so thankful that I get along with Kasey's family so well. It was so nerve wracking meeting them for the first time, wanting their approval, hoping I didn't let them or Kasey down, hoping that they would know in their hearts if Kasey picked the right one to become a new family member. I felt welcomed right away, being invited to spend time with them even after Kasey was sent back to war. My family-my parents, Brittni, Fritz, Cooper-and Kasey's family really kept me going this year. It was a lot of back up that I am completely grateful for.

This past year has just been the first chapter in the new book of our life together. I can't wait to find out what else is in store for us with every turn of the page.

Well we finally have our new place and we finally have cable and Internet and we finally have all of our stuff here from storage. It's so exciting. Our place is looking more and more like a home and its great to feel more comfortable in it. I really need to take some pictures of our set up. The living room is done. The kitchen is mostly done. There are just two boxes of mostly paperwork I need to go through. The upstairs rooms need some work, but I am hoping to clear most of that up this week.

Things have been really tight with money and it has been pretty stressful. But thankfully we are holding together strong and working everything out. I have been making dinners basically every night, and if you know me, this is a new thing. I used to help out my family with dinners when I lived at home with them, but it has been a long time since I have actually cooked things for someone other than myself. So far I think he is enjoying it! Or at least telling me he likes it ;) haha 

I do the dishes basically every day too. That is also different than when living alone. I like it clean in here and I want it to show that I care if it is clean for the other person as well. We also go through a lot of dishes since there are now two of us.

Kasey hung up some pictures around the house and it looks really great. We're still not done decorating, but this is a great start and I love that we have pictures going up the stairwell. Soon, we will be able to get our puppy. We did taxes yesterday and the returns will be here soon. Then we can plan our trip to Detroit to use the tickets he got me for Christmas for the hockey game there and we can get the puppy, and then save as much as we can with the rest.

I love being married to Kasey. He is the sweetest man ever. My favorite part of the day is when he wakes me up in the morning with a hug before he leaves for work, and then when we are laying down at the end of the day ready for sleep, we always kiss each other good night and say "I love you". I know, cheesy, but I really don't care. I am so happy. They seem like such little things, but they really are the biggest.