Year Long Update

Well, once again, it's been awhile. I finally forced myself to sit down and write. This might be a long one since it has been about a year since my last post. I had said in that one that I would be writing again about our exciting new updates, and I never did. Now I have a full year's worth to catch up on things. I'll probably miss a bunch, but here goes.

Last May (2016), I applied for and was accepted for the Budget Analyst position in the Research Department! I have now been in that position for a year. It was a GS 9/11, which means I just got my promotion, effective May 28th. I am now a GS 11. This is huge news for Kasey and I. This year for work has been a roller coaster of ups and downs that I would prefer to not go into, but I made it, and I am not even 30 yet. This is a huge accomplishment and there are a ton of people that helped me get there.

Last June Kasey graduated with his Bachelor's degree in Health Administration. I was so proud of him. He was applying for jobs left and right (or was I doing that part for him?? ;) ). He was accepted for a position in the Transfer and Lodging Department at the VA and has been there almost a year now. Everyone loves him at work and he likes working there. He's been thinking on and off about going back to school to achieve his Master's degree. I fully support him if that is something he is interested in doing. I believe he said he'll need something like 15 more classes to achieve that? Or 15 more credit hours? I know it's 15 something.

For the past year I have also started seriously thinking about applying for college. I love learning new things and it would be nice to have some classes under my belt. The problem is that I would want to take history classes and writing classes, because I love writing. None of this has to do with my work at all though. I would want to go to school for what I want to do. If I am paying for it, shouldn't I get that choice? We're still thinking about how to make it work, with one or both of us starting up college, but it could be very beneficial for us in the long run.

I didn't draw out for deer or elk last year, so I didn't do much hunting or camping at the end of the year. It was seriously mostly spent working a TON to close out and begin the new year at work. Those months (September, October, and November) are very crucial due to it being the change of the fiscal year, and it is very hard to get away. But I did draw my deer tag for this year, and so did Brittni! She is doing the mentor program, so she will be going with us this year. I will for sure be taking some time off at the end of September, but I don't think any other hunting will be available to me until I get a better handle on my new job...which may still be a while.

In November Kasey and I adopted an adorable baby Australian Shepherd. She has been my focal point since then, taking her to training sessions, car rides, store trips. We are so happy we got her. We had forgotten though what it was like to have a puppy, and it was a rough first few months getting into the groove of things. She's been a sassy sweet handful and I couldn't imagine not having her.

Now on to all of the health issues. At the end of December I fell like a rock down our tile stairs flat on my left butt cheek, hitting every single step along the way. The bruise took months to go away. It finally seemed like it was healed, but the pain has come back recently. We are wondering if I damaged a nerve or something.

Last November, Kasey and I went to the OB-GYN, with me basically begging inside for him to give me a hysterectomy. It was Kasey who did the speaking for me, because for some reason I didn't want my doctor to judge me. I knew going in that basically our next step is another surgery, but would it be for a hysterectomy or just another laparoscopy to check things out and clear out more endometriosis that continues to grow and affect me.

I don't think many people understand, or they at least don't talk about, how painful these things are and how it is just not as simple as taking some pill or using a heating pad. It's not just painful periods, it is literally passing out in the bathroom because you feel like you are dying and you feel like your hips are disintegrating into sand, it's not being able to enjoy sex because it hurts so bad, or not even having a libido at all. The decision to want a hysterectomy is not me just being hormonal or too emotional to make a decision. It is wanting to not only see my quality of life improve, but to improve both Kasey's and my quality of life.

We have been trying for kids since September 2011. We have been through 3 miscarriages, with the last one being the worst. I still cannot bring myself to delete the photos from my phone, the video of surprising Kasey, announcing to his Dad and Erin. It would be like it never existed. Even though Kasey and I have moved on from wanting kids, I still can't bring myself to delete them. It is slightly easier being around more babies, but I still have those hard days where I don't want to see another announcement, I don't want to see another reveal, because we won't have that. I get frustrated when people announce names, and it's another cross off the list of names I had been holding out to name our children.

Not having kids has been a range of emotions: Anger, frustration, jealousy, heartbreak, exhausting, mentally taxing, emotionally draining, resentment, denial, reclusive, happy, sad, relieved, closure, less of a woman, letting my partner down. Kasey and I have had many talks, and he is so supportive and has my back 100%, but it hurts that I know that he would be an amazing dad, and that I am not able to give that to him. But it has also been nice not having kids. Kasey and I have made it work with just us and our brood of pets. I feel like our family is complete now.

But back to the health stuff. So at this appointment where I am crying and frustrated and not sure what to do, the doctor said he would want to do things in phases since I wasn't completely set on taking everything out. While I didn't feel pressure from him, I bet he didn't want to schedule a hysterectomy for someone who isn't even 30 yet. He said we could do a laparoscopy, but in the meantime maybe try and go on birth control pills. I hadn't been on birth control pills in five years, but I know before I had been on numerous ones because either they made me feel sick or my body would get used to them and they just wouldn't be effective in the sense of taking care of my issues.

I was extremely hesitant, but we decided it was the best option and to go for it. It was a rough first few months trying to figure it out. They made me extremely ill, and it was hard to function. But then we figured that if I took them in the evening instead of the morning, they didn't effect me. I had never been regular in my entire life, and I was now able to start planning things out, months in advance, because I could basically count on a 28 day cycle. Things were looking up. I had a followup with the doctor and he even offered to go on a 6 week option instead of a 3 week on-one week off option, and we were considering it. Then the hives started....

At the end of April, I started getting hives here and there. They were a minor nuisance, but got progressively worse. When it had been two weeks, I was able to get in to see my primary care physician. He wasn't sure what was causing them, but prescribed me Prednisone, Zantac, and Zyrtec. The Prednisone was a nightmare. I mean it literally gave me nightmares, but because I was taking Zyrtec that makes me sleepy, I was basically stuck in my dreams every night like it was some Freddy Krueger fantasy of someone not being able to escape the terror. Then I was having severe mood swings. One day I would be fine, and then the next I would be hysterically crying and morose the entire day because of something so tiny, but then everything bothered me and it felt like the world was ending. My face swelled up and I didn't want to workout at all. It was extremely hard to focus on anything at all, and work was getting rougher, so it didn't help. BUT the hives went away!!

I eventually tapered off of the prednisone and my last pill was on Thursday 5/18. That Saturday I had a small recurrence, but I was told that would happen, and by Sunday it was gone. I had a few spots on and off throughout the week, but nothing that bothered me, and they'd disappear the next day as if they didn't exist....then this past Tuesday rolled around....

I woke up Tuesday morning and noticed I had spots on my legs and my hips. By the end of the day they were all over my arms. I scheduled an appointment with my primary care for Wednesday. He was just as flummoxed with why they came back. He told me to take more of the Zyrtec but didn't want to put me on the prednisone again so soon, and referred me to an Immunologist/Allergist. I called that person and he was scheduled out until August 14th. There was no way I could wait that long. By Thursday they were all over my chin and part of my face, all over my legs, arms, back, chest, stomach. My ankles swelled up throughout the day so bad, that by the end of the day I couldn't stand on them at all. I had lumps all over the palms of my hand and I couldn't grip anything. My joints were in so much pain. So I was able to get in with a different Immunologist for Friday morning. Thankfully it was my day off, because when I woke up, one of my eyes was swollen shut and I had lumps all over my forehead. I felt miserable. I took a shower. The last time I had the hives, showering was a relief. With this set of hives, it was extremely painful. It felt like I was burning, they stung so bad.

From the time I woke up to the time I was finally seen by the doctor at 10ish, my lumps had progressed so bad. If some of you saw my recent Facebook post, I added some pictures in the comments for you to see. The doctor was initially at a loss. He sprayed some nasty numbing stuff up my nose and shoved a scope down it to look at my vocal cords. Let's just say I don't think I was all that number up because it started to hurt and I became lightheaded. My vocal chords looked clear of any hives, but I needed to lay down for a few minutes to recover. He started thinking it was Stevens-Johnsons syndrome, which is basically a reaction to medication. But he was worried it could also be something else, because there were no sores present on my vocal cords nor anywhere in my mouth. He walked out for a moment and came back with a Rheumatologist. He looked me over and was perplexed as well. He said it looks like a reaction to something I am ingesting or it could be something viral. He said low priority would be something autoimmune, but to run that bloodwork anyway just in case.

He told me to stop the birth control pills immediately, continue on the Zyrtec, ordered more Prednisone, and sent me on my way downstairs to get lab work done. I started feeling a bit upset. "Stop the birth control pills". This was basically something that was pushing off surgery for me, and also giving me some sort of life where Kasey and I could make plans around my cycle. Kasey and I are now going to need to have another conversation about our plans.

I made my way downstairs and they called me back for the bloodwork. The guy started pulling out vial after vial. The end number was 11. I've never had a problem with getting my blood drawn. But he put the tourniquet on and instantly it feel extremely painful in my hand. Since I had been so swollen and itchy, my skin and joints had become so sensitive. My hand started turning blue, but I tried to suck it up, I've felt worse. After about 3 vials, I told him I wasn't feeling so good. Then about 5 or 6 vials in I told him I was going to pass out. He instantly pulled the needle out and wrapped my arm and said he was going to check and see if there was a bed open.

the next thing I remember is a ton of commotion and I am somehow laying on the ground and I can feel that I am sweating profusely. I have NEVER passed out before when getting my blood drawn. I actually always prided myself about how I could get my blood drawn and never have any issues. Well not anymore. Then the paramedics arrived. I was still feeling horrible. They did a sugar blood test and surprisingly for fasting, my levels were 113. To save me an ambulance bill, they very nicely pushed me over to the hospital right next door. I am so glad I didn't throw up on any of them, because I felt like I was going to the entire time. They gave me an IV and did some more bloodwork.

The Allergist came over to see me and said he sent some of my pictures to his Dermatologist friend who also agreed that it looks like I am reacting to something and reiterated to stop the birth control pills, and try to think of anything going back to April of something new or something changed that I came into contact with, including people who were sick....well I know several people at work that come in sick all the time...I just don't know what they're sick with. He said he would look over the bloodwork, and I have a followup appointment this next Thursday. I am seriously hoping for some answers.

Now I am at home, trying to rest. I haven't been feeling well all day. The hives have gone down considerably, but I am starting to feel more and more itchy as the day progresses, and it is extremely frustrating. I am hoping for relief soon.

Thankfully Kasey is like the perfect specimen and is in perfect health....or so we thought. We have finally found something wrong with him!!! Kasey has a severely deviated septum and swollen turbinate in his nose. We found this out I believe sometime in January or February and finally scheduled surgery for him on June 19th. Kasey has never had surgery like this or been put under anesthesia before. I think we're both a little nervous. I am just looking forward to him being able to breathe better and smell the things I always smells yet he tells me I have a brain tumor because he doesn't smell it at all. And this should help his sleeping immensely. We got a sleep number bed at the end of the year and it tracks your breathing and how restless you are and I believe he is sleeping horribly because of his nose. I can't wait to be able to see improvement for him!

So these are the few things that have been going on with us since a year has passed. I am sure I have missed a ton, but I am normally on Facebook and Snapchat and post most of our goings on there. I choose not to post much stuff about work anymore, because we know that can come back to bite you (Kathy Griffen), so it is just best to leave it off of there haha but this has been us in a nutshell!

Born Free, As Free as the Wind Blows

It's been a little while. I will be making a post about some updates that Kasey and I have probably in the next day or two (if you're still following me), but this is something that I have been thinking about a lot, and I wanted to get it out there. Full disclosure: you may or may not like what you read or it may change your opinion of me, but that's the beauty of this being my blog. This is also extremely personal information, so if it begins to make you feel uncomfortable, you do not have to keep reading.

Something had been eating at me from several weeks ago, and I subconsciously wasn't letting it go. There was a conversation going on with unnamed parties (as I don't find that pertinent information to this story) discussing about instances of boyfriends being jerks and the woman had then begun dating another woman. I believe in many if not most cases when a person "jumps ship" on the gender they were dating, they are being viewed as going through a phase or doing it for attention etc. I thought I had felt this way as well, but I really don't and I have grown up and have my own thoughts and opinions separate from those of whom I was hanging out with at the time to mold my views around, to fit in.

I don't think it's fair to say that someone is wrong for wanting to date. Why does who someone else dates have to fit the mold of your own agenda. "Oh, they were in a serious relationship with a man for X amount of time, so they must date another man next." What's wrong with depending on the shoulders of your friends when you are going through a rough time and you realize you actually really like this person and you want to date them? And if they really are just testing it out, what's wrong with that?

I don't necessarily believe that it all just comes down to attraction. Of course it has a lot to do with it. But emotional connection is just as vital. What does it matter what gender? It's not as simple as "well Tabitha, look at that woman, are you sexually attracted to her? Are you sexually attracted to most women?"

Why does it have to be one or the other? When I was younger I never even envisioned having sex with a man, let alone anyone for that matter. "Do you think about other women or can you envision having sex with a woman now?" Actually no, because TMI, I envision having sex with my husband in our monogamous relationship we have.

However, I can't say where my life would be if I were not married or who I would be dating or married to. I could equally as much be with a man as I could be with a woman.

Though, with my feelings out there, because I am married to a man and have never dated a woman, I therefore can not be "considered" anything besides straight? I didn't know there conditions and hoops I need to jump through to be who I am and feel the way that I do. 

So you can stop talking to me if you want, pray for me, judge me, try to change me, tell me I'm wrong for my feelings, but this is who I am. And I hope you can love and accept me for who you perceived me to be 5 minutes ago before reading this, because unless I have somehow literally done you wrong by this, I am still the same person I have always been. Love is love.

If you've made it to the end, thank you, and I'll be posting soon about our exciting new updates :)

Some Clarity

This week is going to be a rough but doable week. Some big changes are happening at work. My boss is extremely ill. We learned he had two tumors in his brain, one in his abdomen, and one in his lung. He missed grants week and we knew something was up when he didn't come in. Last year when he had a bad cold, he was at work til all hours of the evening and the weekend, but he didn't come in at all. Thankfully he had surgery on Friday and they extracted the bigger of the two brain tumors. We'll know hopefully soon his next step in treatment and where to go from there.

It just breaks my heart because he was planning on retiring this coming January, and this happens? What kind of crap is that? He is probably one of the nicest guys. He reminds me a lot of my dad and Kasey and it really hits home. I'm trying to stay positive on his prognosis, but I don't think we'll be expecting him to come back to work, at least for awhile, and if anything he'll probably just come in to close things out. I think that is what I would do if I had less than a year til retirement.

This week will also mark the year since my due date. If we had had our baby, they would have potentially been turning one this week. Such a big milestone that we won't get to. Although Kasey and I are in a good place and ok with not having kids, sometimes it can get really rough and I need a moment. It's hard when your body doesn't do what it is supposed to do or what you want it to. It feels like a failure. Obviously there is nothing that I did and nothing that I could have done. It's hard to express what I mean.

One thing that seemed like such a coincidence or something meant to be is when we adopted our new kitties in July. When we went to Petsmart and fell in love with that little black fuzzball I knew I had to have him. As we received the paperwork I looked at his birthday and it was 3/15, the same week as what our estimated due date had been. He is turning one this week.

 

I know Nox is a cat, but he is exactly what we needed. He is like our little fuzzy baby. He talks back, he cuddles, he plays with his food, and makes a mess. He makes me feel better when I don't feel well, makes me happy when I feel sad, and he makes me laugh. He doesn't seem bonded to Lumos like they said he was, but I don't think our little family would feel as complete if we had come home without him either. I wish people would understand the connection I feel with our little monsters and not laugh at me haha

Kasey is SO close to graduating. Just a couple months left. He has begun applying for jobs on base and at the VA as well as other places. I am so excited for him and proud of how far he has come. I can't wait for his next steps.

Some job opportunities may be coming up for me. I am not going to hold my breath, but I am going to work hard for it and see where it takes me. I'll keep you updated if it progresses. I am going to try and keep my positivity and not let the stress of things to come deter me from where I'm trying to go.

So You Won the Jackpot...What Now?

By now, you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that the Powerball is at a $1.5 billion jackpot, and that number could-and will most likely-change by tomorrow. I bet you've thought about what you'd like to do with the money. But have you really thought about it? Like had a serious thought about what might happen if you actually did beat the staggering odds and won the money?

I think it's a good idea to write this down. What is the first thing that really comes to your mind?What's the second? And the third? If you wanted to, who would you give money to? Would you donate any money? Think about it seriously, what would it mean to you to win?

Now look at your list. These are your goals, your hopes and dreams. Some things may seem extravagant, and some things may be actual things that you are striving for that could actually happen. You don't need to win the lotto to make your dreams come true. Sure, it will take a hell of a lot of hard work and time and energy, but if you strive for it, it can happen.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't be nice to win, and though money isn't everything, it can help you reach your dreams faster, SO your odds of winning may seem extremely slim, but you will never win if you don't go out and try. The same as you won't accomplish your goals if you wait for money to fall into your lap.

Good luck everyone!

Existential

Trying to figure out who you are as a person is never-ending. Who you are, who you’re going to be, where you’re going. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m still working it out. I’m still growing up. Am I past the point I should be to actually figuring it all out?

 

High School is never over. The judging never stops. People’s opinions and comments come at you. They find you and tear at you, leaving their marks as they go. You’re judged for being too different. But when you try to fit in, they call you fake and remark on your inability to do anything right.

 

As you grow up, you realize that kids are mean and you learn to get over it. You can forgive, but it is so hard to forget. It’s hard to forget someone shoving letters in my locker with the word “Poser” written over and over on it, letters that were from my friends. It’s hard to forget being teased for the way that I looked: “Four Eyes” “Big Nose” “Your clothes are so dark. Are you trying to be goth?” “Your hair is so short. Why’d you cut it like that? Now you look like a boy.” It’s hard to forget being the new girl in a new state in a new school with no friends “Why do you talk like that?” “What’s your religion? Wow, you believe in something else? You tripped me by looking at me, you must be a witch”  It’s hard to forget being called a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend in High School, but somehow also a rumor going around that I was a whore that slept with the entire football team, even though I never knew anyone on the team.

 

I can let it go in the sense that I see the humor in how people didn’t know me, or were young and aren’t that way now; in how these are silly, unimportant things, that shouldn’t affect me anymore.

 

But some days it does. It affects me in the way that I feel about myself. It affects me in the way that I programmed myself growing up. It makes me question myself. Will I be good enough? Will I be smart enough? What am I going to do wrong?

 

And the judgments don’t stop when you graduate. People questioning your life choices: If you get married too soon or not soon enough. What is too soon? Who decides that? People questioning your decision on who to date or who not to date. People questioning where you work. People questioning your beliefs, your stances, your opinions. If it’s different than theirs then it is automatically wrong. “Oh you like guns? You must be ok with people murdering other people.” “You’re a hunter? You must be heartless.” “You eat meat? That’s disgusting.” Or it’s the way that you look: “You look like you’ve gained weight.” “You’ve lost weight? You’re too skinny.” “You have tattoos? You must not value your body or your self-image or self-worth. You must not want a good job.” Or about things that you have no control over: “Why don’t you have kids yet? You’re running out of time.”

 

It’s thoughtless. Thoughtless comments, about things that aren’t anybody’s business, that shouldn’t matter. But they do sometimes. Why is that?

 

These comments seem so asinine that there’s no way people have actually said them, right? Maybe I am just imagining that people are thinking these things about me? And if I am, what got me to that point? But they must have been said at least once for the idea to be there in the first place right? The questions that you ask yourself: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I doing something wrong?

 

I want to write books. I enjoy it. It helps me clear my head. I have so many ideas. But I seem to have an increased crippling fear of being judged that I can’t even get my thoughts straight to write them down. And it’s not like I plan on having anyone ever reading them in the first place. But maybe it isn’t a fear of being judged. Maybe it’s a fear of “what if”? What if they are good? What if people would actually like them? Then I am putting myself out there. Am I ready for that?

 

Then the fear of the unknown hits randomly. Am I running out of time? When is it going to be up? Life can be so very short. What am I going to accomplish? Am I focusing on the wrong things? Why do I worry so much about things I can’t control?

 

Most days I am doing good. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a job, a car, a house, adorable pets that make me happy, and a wonderful husband who loves me for the quirky person that I am even when I have dark days.

 

So then the task comes to building myself up. There are only so many things people can say to make you feel good about yourself. You need to work on making yourself feel better too. I am good enough. I am smart enough. I’m not doing anything wrong. My husband believes in me. I need to start showing that I believe in me too.

Summer Is Only Just Beginning

I really need to keep up on this. I just read my last post about all of the things I had hoped to have finished by the next time I wrote and that hasn't happened. BUT I think we hope to get the baseboards done soon, and then we can have people over. Summer has "officially" started, so it would be great to have a get together.

Mother's Day passed. It just makes me think hard about some things. Part of me is quite fine with it just being Kasey and I. Other times it's frustrating. But I'm learning to cope while we decide what is best for us and focusing on the NOW.

However you know the phrase "baby hungry"? Well I am "fur-baby hungry". It doesn't help that this month all cats above a year old at the humane society are free. Then I think, wait, do I want a cat or a dog? And then I get annoyed with the pets I already have and then just decide it would be best to have no pets at all haha

I don't think Yzzy would be very happy with us if we came home with another furball like her. She likes to think she is the queen of the house. And we still can't decide on what kind of dog we would get if we got one. I am adamant I want a German or Australian Shepherd. Kasey wants a Lab.

The garden is growing nicely. And the new grass is getting there. With the heat, the soil is drying up so quickly and we are trying to constantly keep it wet. I actually should be out there right now to give the garden some water, but the neighbors are outside and Chester can't be running around barking at them. We just got him fixed yesterday. Hopefully he'll start listening to me more....Probably not though haha

I'm having issues focusing. I want to write all of the time, but it's always when I am not able to, like at work or driving. But by the time I get home, I am so exhausted that I just want to relax and have lost the motivation to move my lazy arms to reach for the computer. And my brain is so melted by then that nothing would really come flowing out at that point. I honestly feel that if I had a week away from all distractions and responsibilities that I could get a good amount of any of my books done. But I can't really just shut myself off from everything and everyone.

Work has been good. Even if I complain about it, I still have had worse experiences in previous jobs. Basically every job has it's issues and we learn from them for future experiences. I think growing up has a bit to do with it as well. I am able to take more stress and frustrations than I used to be. It doesn't mean it isn't exhausting though and that I don't need to take those "mental health days" to get away from the bullshit every now and then. But I do my best to focus on my work, and have been going in on the weekends and working a lot of overtime to take care of all the extra duties I take on.

Kasey doesn't have much longer with school. He should be able to graduate at the end of the next spring semester! And then he can start trying to get a job at the VA (or wherever he wants). I am so proud of him and everything he has been able to accomplish. He's done an amazing job taking care of our little family. I like to believe that we make a wonderful team.

Well, the heat is on outside and summer is only just beginning. I can't imagine how much hotter it can get, I don't even want to try to. It's supposed to be in the hundreds next week. I think I'll be spending a lot of time lying on the floor trying not to die. Maybe we'll eventually move farther north....

Snapping Back to Reality

Well I didn't write in here in February, so I already fail with writing at least once a month. But I'm forcing myself to sit down and type since I took a day off!

Today would have been my due date. I know babies don't always come on their due dates; it's an estimation. But since today was the date I was given it's been sticking with me, and I knew it would just be nice to not go to work today thinking "I should be in labor potentially right now".

I think I've been doing better with our decision to not try for kids. But I still have my random bad days. I think sometimes things just hit me hard like when people announce or talk about their symptoms and post their names that I'm pretty sure I had mentioned we had planned to use. But hey, you had your baby first. Other days though these things don't bother me. So then my reactions make me feel crazy and bad for feeling this way. Maybe I'm not doing better....hahaha

There was this competition to win an Inn in Maine that I saw randomly online (and then it was all over the news), and I just had a light bulb and decided I would absolutely put in for that. Why not, you know? I had small doubts but I squashed them. I was so determined. Even if I didn't get it, and $125 is a good amount of money I could spend on other things, I thought it would be nice for someone else to win it and my entry helped make it happen. But then randomly I was on their Facebook page and someone posted about needing to take out a loan to pay for the approximate $400,000 taxes and such. 

I was probably a bit naive to think it would be so simple as to win a place for a 200 word essay and $125. But as soon as I had seen the competition I just HAD to go for it. So many ideas popped into my head with what we could do with it. I definitely had this whole idea for Veteran retreats and discounts as well as other things. I knew that I wasn't a chef or hadn't managed a hotel, or inn, or anything like that, but I had the drive and the determination to absolutely make it work!

So now I'm snapping back to reality, and I don't think that I'm going to put in for it, BUT it planted that little seed of what I want to work for. Kasey still wants to own a guide service and I would love to have a retreat of some kind for Veterans. I just need to work harder, write more, and save more and just believe that we can make it happen.

Our house is coming along nicely. I want to get our baseboards in and then we can have a housewarming party! I just think it would feel so much more complete with those baseboards in. It's weird, I know. The weather is warming up and we're working on the yard. When I say "we", I mean mostly Kasey. He has been phenomenal! He's so happy with a yard to work on. I think it makes him feel super manly ;)

Hopefully by the next time I post, we will be ready for our get together and I will be able to post before and after pictures of our progress we've made. I can't wait!

So You Want To Start A Resolution

Ha, see what I did there with the title? I thought it was clever, 'cus of the new year and all. Once again I'm saying "It's been a while", because it has. I actually only wrote on here twice the entire last year. I definitely plan to be writing in here more often; if not, then at least once a month.

Also, again I will be saying, I have been reflecting on a lot of stuff. I think most people do with a new year starting and an old one ending. A lot happened last year. A few things were: two surgeries, one miscarriage, two ER visits (one for each of us), my best friend lost her mom, hunting trips, anniversary trip, we lost one of our friends, some of our grandparents had some health scares, our 5th Christmas as a married couple (one while he was in Afghanistan, 4 together), new house, new car, normal stuff like work and school. It seems like a lot went on last year and I want to talk about all of it, but then that would be a horribly long post. We know I'm not afraid of typing long posts, I just don't know if I'd be able to show justice to how my thoughts and feelings were at the time since I was lazy and didn't type out about them sooner. 

That's one thing I'm really frustrated about: I did not keep up with writing like I thought I would. I can't remember the last time I wrote for my book. And like I said, I only wrote here in my blog twice last year. As well as my goal to write more in here, I hope to write more in general, especially my book ideas. I have so many ideas and I really want to get them out. It really makes me feel better when I write. It makes me feel less crazy when I get my ideas out instead of them jumbling around together in my head.

Our house is coming along wonderfully. Kasey was even working on some paint yesterday and today. It looks so nice. I know I need to do a picture update (on here and on Facebook) to show just how much of a difference it is from when we bought it. It still doesn't feel completely real that we have a house. Some things we still need to do to it is more painting, baseboards and some decorating. I seriously need to go through my clothes and clean this place up. I think it was so overwhelming with everything going on that I have left boxes packed and stuff just laying around on the floor. It's a huge project and I'm still adjusting. But I want to get it ALL done soon so we can finally have a housewarming party!

Christmas was really great this year. We spent a good amount of time with family and we were able to get each other pretty much everything on our lists, or at least very close to everything. Kasey got me every CD I asked for. He was so determined. I was able to get him a bit of hunting stuff that he'll be able to use. I know he wants a boat and we weren't able to get that yet, but I'm hoping it won't have to be too long before we are able to.

I never really set resolutions but last year we did and surprisingly I think we accomplished about half of them. I can't fully remember, but I saw the list last month. I don't know if I want to make an actual resolution list, but maybe mostly a goal list that I want to continuously work on, even when the year has ended.

I would like to continue working out. I started after recovering from my first surgery towards the beginning of last year and I have kept up with it on and off since then. I find that even though I'm tired after working out, I tend to feel a little better all around.

Like I said before, I want to continue finding time to write. I mean, I want to set some time aside to actually make myself sit down and write. It makes me feel better mentally. I also want to keep my hands more busy again when I'm not writing, like crocheting. I haven't done that in a while either and I feel like my stress and anxiety has been higher since I haven't used my outlets basically at all. I definitely need to work on my anxiety better.

I want to be a better friend and be less flaky. I think a lot of that has to come from how I feel, which is tired all the time or lazy or what have you. I seriously have so much more fun sitting around playing games or watching movies than going out. But it's not always what I want to do and I really need to show that I do want to spend time with my friends. I definitely could at least make more of an effort.

I also feel the same way with being around the house. I want to be a better wife than I have been. As I said, I have been slacking on the unpacking deal. Kasey has been amazing. All of his stuff was unpacked and set up relatively quickly. His hunting room is all set up and it looks so presentable. I think basically if I were not living here, the house would be good enough already for the housewarming party to have happened a couple of months ago.

I think when people set realistic goals, they are more prone to accomplish them if they give it the effort in the first place. Of course, it's always fun to add crazy things to the list to keep it interesting. And not everything has to be on the list for it to be just as exciting if it happens. Every small or big thing can be viewed as an accomplishment or a goal finished. It's all in the eye of the beholder. So, my my goal, I should be writing in here in at least a months time again, if not sooner. We'll see!

Over Before it Fully Began

It's been a long while since I've written. I've been busy, I didn't know what to write, then I had something to write about, but I didn't want to. Not just yet anyway. And then I had worries and didn't want to write about it, not until things got better. And then they didn't. But I'm writing about it all now, because I really need to get my feelings out. Maybe it will feel better. So I'll just come right out with it.

On July 19th, I woke up and took a test. And a second line popped up next to the control line. Mind you, this was not any faint line. It was pretty visible. Immediately I texted my sister wanting to know if she gave me an expired test. I started shaking. I have never had a line pop up like that. My sister came and got me and we bought another test. One that is supposed to read hormone levels better. I chugged some water and waited until I had to go. I took two tests this time, of two varieties. The other one could have been a false positive. But it wasn't, because the lines popped up on both tests, extremely visible: I was pregnant.

Finally. In our 32nd month of trying, a bright line finally emerged for us. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I hadn't stopped shaking since earlier. How was I going to tell Kasey? I didn't know if I was supposed to be ecstatic or apprehensive. Brittni and I went to the store and bought some buns. I came home and tossed the test inside the bun, and threw it in the oven. Then I told Kasey I got something for him (he had just woken up since he works weekends). I got it on video. The excitement on his face was captured and it was a wonderful feeling all around. We were going to have a baby.

July 24th I woke up extremely early. I wanted to beat all of the crowds trying to find a way to work since most of the streets would be be closed headed up to the VA. I wasn't feeling well at all and (TMI) when I used the restroom, there was blood in the toilet. There wasn't a ton and it wasn't clotted so I tried to not get stressed out. It could be completely normal. But I still felt ill and kept having to adjust the air between hot and cold in the Jeep on the drive, deciding on what felt better. I arrived about 15 minutes before 5am. 

I started to settle in. I turned my computer on like every morning, and got my files out to start working. I had just emailed my boss to let him know I was early and that I wasn't feeling well so maybe I could leave early instead of getting overtime, when I started to feel sick. I was dizzy. So extremely dizzy and I felt like I was cross eyed and that I couldn't catch my breath. I thought maybe if I laid down for a second, it would go away. As soon as I sat on the floor, I felt like I was going to throw up. Since we have carpet (crappy old carpet, but carpet nonetheless), I hopped up really fast, and grabbed my keys to the supply closet. There's a women's bathroom attached, and it's private enough so no one would hear me spewing my brains out. I reached the office door, which I kept closed, because it was early and I was alone and scared of creepers, and my vision already start to go. It was less that 30 feet I figured down the hall. Everything was so blurry and I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out at any minute. Time moved so slowly and I felt like I was swimming underwater trying to get to the supply closet. I was almost there. I barely got my key in the door when everything went black.

When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes and became hyper aware of how heavy I was breathing but couldn't open my eyes or mouth, and just how much I was sweating. Eventually I felt like I could move my body. I was laying on the ground, flat on my stomach with my arms awkwardly underneath my chest and my legs straight, toes pointed. I still to this day do not remember opening the door, closing the door (it was fully closed behind me), or laying down on the ground. I got scared. Did I fall on my stomach? What does this mean? Is it because I was bleeding a little earlier? I hadn't told barely anyone about it and who was I going to call at 5am? I crawled the rest of the way into the bathroom and closed the door. I could barely lift my head without feeling so completely sick. 

So I laid there, for who knows how long. Then I texted my coworker Nikki. She called campus police and they came up to me. At that point I could move a little better and I could breathe. I got up and went back to my office, making sure I left the door open and the air flowing in felt amazing. The police arrived and since I am in an "out building" they called 911. There was so much going on when they arrived. I was a mess. I'm terrified that something is wrong. I think I am losing the baby. I tell them, by doctor calculations I should be approximately 6 weeks pregnant. They take my blood pressure and its fine. They check my blood levels and they're fine. There's like 10 people just standing all around staring at me as I'm having a breakdown, and they say I should probably take the short jaunt over to the hospital in the ambulance. They want to make sure I'm ok. "What if you try and drive home and you pass out again?" So, by a small amount of peer pressure, I say sure. And they make me lay on the bright yellow gurney and take me out to the ambulance. The ride lasts about 5 minutes and we arrive at 6:10am. 

Long story short, it was a horrible day. I did not get home until 10:30pm. They did many ultrasounds and said they didn't see anything in my uterus. They did a pelvic and said there were some clots and that I most likely miscarried. Kasey came and spent the entire day with me while I was in and out of it because of nausea meds. They drew blood many times throughout the day. They said it was a syncope and were worried about my heart because my pulse was extremely high (I had been experiencing tightness of the chest for a few days before the incident). 

Kasey had to leave early because he was supposed to work extra that night so my Mother in law and Stepfather in law came to get me and drove me home. This was not the way I had wanted to tell anyone. I had so many ideas how to come out to our parents, and instead it was like "Hey Tabitha got a positive test but it looks like she may have miscarried. Can you come and get her? I have to work overtime and they won't release her." Definitely not an exciting, burst in the room with an adorable "I'm pregnant!" shirt.

Two days later I went back for a scheduled blood draw. I called later that evening and to my surprise, my numbers had more than doubled. That was extremely good news. We were once again, excited, but apprehensive. We decided to let our other parents know, so they were in on everything since I went to the hospital. I was still disappointed it wouldn't be a surprise. We WERE able to surprise Kasey's dad and stepmom because we got the good numbers news and we decided to get a good reaction for the first time in person and I got his reaction on my phone as well and it made us feel good inside knowing that all of our parents were so happy for us. We went to a few appointments and there was actually a black spot that finally showed up and he said that it was the gestational sac and that the baby would be visible in a few weeks. 

Previously I thought that the Randall Family BBQ would be a good time to tell people, but the closer it got, the more I felt like it was too early to tell anyone. All this time I had been dealing with major nausea and working with food aversions, tummy aches, increasingly sore boobs, all sorts of symptoms. I actually started to get so excited. We were supposed to see something the next time we went in to the doctor. That was the 12th. At that point we should have even seen a heartbeat potentially. All there was, was a black empty void.

The gestational sac was there in my uterus. But there was no baby, no yolk sac. Just nothing. Immediately the doctor starts apologizing, to the point that I feared he may have forgotten how to speak other words. He said to come back in a week and that my risk of miscarriage went up to 40-50%. That was definitely not how Kasey or I thought the appointment would go at all. I went in thinking I was going to see a little baby in there. Our little baby. And I saw a hole. I started to get upset, but Kasey said it's not over. It could still be too early and we can't get upset yet. I tried to suck it up. But I have to admit I did a horrible job. And then I began to feel different.

Even though I was tired and still nauseous, it wasn't to the degree I had been before. My boobs were still sore, but not as sensitive as before. I didn't have my newly acquired all cheese flavor, all the time craving anymore. Several people had said before that they "just knew" when they were pregnant or they felt like they weren't alone. I didn't have that feeling at all anymore. I mean, obviously I had Kasey there. But I didn't have a distinct feeling like everyone else had described to me.

So I had my next appointment this afternoon. I didn't have high hopes. Does that sound negative? Yes, I'm sure it does. But I was also being realistic. I really didn't feel pregnant anymore. It didn't feel real. I didn't see a heartbeat. I didn't even see anything. How was something just supposed to sprout in 7 days time? I was never to find out. Because he did the ultrasound again and it was confirmed that there was no baby in the gestational sac. 

I have what is called a Blighted Ovum. Basically it is when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but it doesn't develop into an embryo. I called him back in the room before I left and asked him, "What are our chances that it is still too early to see anything?" He was short and to the point, "None." So I will be having a D&C next Wednesday to remove everything from my uterus. 

This will be miscarriage three for us in the 33 months since we started trying. This was the farthest I have ever gotten into a pregnancy, so to say the least, it feels extremely devastating at this point. It's overwhelming how many unanswered questions I feel have.

Kasey is out of town right now, and I almost decided to get the procedure done while he was gone, because then the dog wouldn't be here and it would be a quiet recovery time. But he requested I wait for him to get back so he can be here for me. Kasey has been my rock through everything so far. He has been so amazing and so patient and kind through all of this. He's taken care of me tremendously. He's off on his hunt and I know he absolutely needs this time as well. It's a week off from school. He's been so busy with going to school full time and working part time on the weekends and doing so much around the house and taking care of me. He really needs this vacation he is on and I am more than happy to wait for him, because he wants to be a part of everything that I go through. Because it's not just me, it's us. "In sickness and in health." This is a big loss for him too.

Immediately, since I feel overwhelmed with everything that bothers me when I am upset, I became worried about another procedure, when we are STILL paying off the last one I had. Not to mention we still haven't received the ER bill, and the ambulance bill for $1500 needs to be sent back to the insurance. But of course Kasey's calm words reach me. "We will make it work. We have always made it work. And we will continue to make it work. Don't worry about that."

But I AM asking for potential help next week just in case. I am unsure of what we need now. But if the possibility arises, we may need help with the dog. Kasey will be at school, unsure of his hours (and he just told me today, but I am forgetful) but it won't be too much during the day. However, on the weekend I may need some help with the dog while Kasey is at work or resting between shifts. Any volunteers would be wonderful in case we need to contact you. We have a hard time asking for help, but I am doing it now, because it's going to be a lot to take on next week. New year of school, his work, my work, procedure, and so on.

Thank you so much for those that have supported us on this. I hope everyone can understand that this is a better outlet for us, instead of contacting every single person, one by one and explaining the upsetting news over and over again. I feel like I have much more to say, but maybe it's best to leave it how it is now, and I can update you all on everything else later.

Today is My 111th Birthday!

The holidays are over and gone. It was really great spending them with Kasey and seeing family and I genuinely enjoyed the holidays. It was fun shopping for Kasey and wrapping his presents. And New Year's passed as well. We have a few goals including saving money and getting toned. 

Work has been going really well and I was telling Kasey tonight at dinner how much I really love it. It's so different from what I'm used to. I mean, obviously there's a lot that is the same, especially lately with the stress picking up with the amount of orders that keep popping up in my emails. But I love it. There's so much less drama in my department than I've ever had at any job. Everyone at work not in Research seems to hate their job so much and there's so much stress and drama for them. And I feel bad talking about how amazing it is to have a great boss and good people to work with.

It's my 26th birthday today. I cannot believe that I am 26 today. I've gotten several comments today about how I look barely 20 and that feels really great. I think it feels kind of bittersweet mostly because our 26th month of trying for kids is just about over. I feel better today about it than I did last week. Today hasn't been so bad. I've just come to not expect or plan big things for my birthday anymore. So Kasey and I just got back from a nice dinner at Red Robins. It was really tasty and it's a nice quiet evening like I really enjoy and it's all I could ask for. Kasey got me new running shoes, a really nice workout hoodie, and a couple of bottles of wine.

I had a doctors appointment last Thursday. With the pain that keeps increasing and a new good sized cyst that was found, I will be having surgery next Wednesday or the one after. I have a followup tomorrow to finalize a date. It seems like its happening really quick. But we had the conversation a couple of months ago, so I mostly knew it was coming. I had been hoping that we would be pregnant instead, but such is life. 

So this will be the next step to moving forward and getting me to feel better. We appreciate all of the support that comes our way. I'm scared and nervous. But we need answers and I need to feel better. And Kasey has been a wonderful support and is always on my side and I love having someone there for me the way he is. It's really great. and he puts up with a lot of my shit, ie: being sick or having something wrong with me ALL THE TIME. He's my rock :)

Next Step

It's been a while since I've posted and a few things have changed. For starters for those of you that didn't know, I have a job! I started September 23rd. I'm back up at the VA and I'm getting the same pay as I was before (technically 500 bucks a year more). I was hired as Secretary for Research. I've mostly been purchasing so far.

Not long after I got hired, Kasey and I signed for an apartment. We moved in mid-October. It's small, but we can manage for a year while we get money figured out and Kasey works on his credit. Then we'll be able to start looking at houses! We have both Yzzy and Chester back. Yzzy still needs to get acclimated to Chester again. She's even more neurotic than I remember. We're having some problems with Chester being even more stubborn than before lately also.

Living alone together with just Kasey and I feels weird. We hadn't lived alone together since the beginning of January. We need to get back into the groove of things but I like it. It's exciting and fun.

November marked our 24th month of trying to get pregnant. It's definitely been a rough time. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. Basically I'll probably be having another surgery in January some time, but the date isn't set in stone. I'll be going back to see him at the beginning of year and come up with a game plan and Kasey and I are just going to try and relax and enjoy the holidays together. This will be our 4th Christmas as a couple (he was in Afghanistan for our first). I can't believe how much time has passed.

I've been working on my writing a little more. I've got 22 pages done. 22 pages probably doesn't seem like much to a lot of people, but that's really great for me. I haven't been writing much at home at all. If I did, I'm sure I'd have so much more done. But my idea is coming along nicely and this rough draft is getting most of my good ideas down, and then I'll go back in and add more stuff. It makes me feel accomplished to write. I've just been distracted because I've really gotten into playing Skyrim and it just sucks me in when I have other things I need to do.

I'm really feeling Christmas this year. I'm so excited and all I want to do is get out and shop even though we don't have a ton of funds at the moment. I can't wait to get the tree up and decorate. I need to get more ingredients and make my favorite tea(however I can't find the recipe). I've been enjoying a ton of egg nog...maybe too much. And I really just want apple pie all the time. Now all we need is some snow!!

The deer season just ended. Kasey is pretty bummed he didn't get anything. But that just means he'll try harder next year. And I'll be going with since I've got my hunter's safety! I'm mostly really excited to try for an elk. He's doing really well in school and still working security on the weekends. I'm really proud of him :)

That's pretty much it for now. Just a normal update. I know I wanted to write more, but I always go blank whenever I'm getting to write on this.

Growth

As the title suggests, I've been reflective again lately. Mostly because 9/11 just passed. I got on Facebook a few times and "liked" things, but I didn't want to write anything. What I was feeling was so much more that the small amount of characters that are allowed in a status update. It just made me remember where I was at the time, and what was going on in my life.

Some of the details are a little fuzzy, but I was just starting 8th grade, and I was 13 years old. We lived in Texas at the time, so we were one time zone behind everything on the east coast. I can't remember if it was the first or second bell of the day to let us in the building, but I know one rang at 8:15 in the morning, just over ten minutes after the second plane flew into the towers. We of course didn't know anything at the time. We were getting ready to go in, focused on making it to class on time. I remember I was talking with my friend Ruby.

I don't remember much of the time I spent at school. I do remember a lot of people were absent the first period, and then throughout the course of the time I was at school, people were being called out of class, more and more. And then I was called out. My mother was picking me up. I'm not sure what time that was at, but it didn't seem like a big deal; I was just getting to leave school early. And then I got home and my sister was already there, and I was bummed that she got out earlier than me.

I sat down in front of the TV and everything that was happening was on. I remember them showing the plane fly into the tower over and over again. The first time it happened, I was on my knees in the middle of the living room floor watching, and I remember clasping my hand over my mouth in shock. What was happening?

We spent the whole day watching everything that was happening. I think everything stopped for us, and everything was on lock down. We had no idea how many planes there were, and I swear there were reports of some heading for the base?  I know we were worried about what would happen since my dad was in the Air Force. I remember it being dark outside, and us still watching the footage, replaying the plane, replaying the falling towers, showing the devastation, people sifting through the rubble, people in the streets crying. I do remember being upset. I wasn't too young to not know exactly what was happening. I just didn't know to what extent. But I was upset, and I was scared. I was so sad, because those were huge buildings. And it felt like we were so close to it, like it was right in our state, even though it was over 1,800 miles away. 

Then we needed to focus again on our lives, and what was going on with us. We were moving, in less that 12 days time. There was so much change going on at once. I was worried that my dad would have to go back to war. And we were moving states. 

Growing up is not easy at all. It makes me upset thinking about how mean people are. And how no matter where you go there will be bullies. I was bullied in Texas. And I was bullied here in Utah. There were a lot of times I wanted to quit school. When I graduated, I wanted to have a shirt that said "I survived School".  It was a huge feat. And yet, you don't stop growing after you graduate.

Everyone can say it, and I will. I've been through a lot. And Kasey and I have been through a lot together. We've hit lows, we've struggled paycheck to paycheck, we've gone negative more than a handful of times. And those were times when they were things we needed like food and a home. I could go into details about everything that has happened to us, but I won't because I don't want to dwell on it all.

What happens to us shapes who we become, and how we choose to move forward. It's ever-changing. Sometimes I think I would like a little bit of good monotony, but I'm sure that it would get boring after a while.

I don't think I would be the person I am now if I weren't bullied. That can be a good and a bad statement. I have several problems like bad depression and anxiety problems. I have been on many medications. I have gone to therapy. But I think I am also a different person than when I was a teenager. I am still working on getting better, trust me. But the hardships have also taught me a lot. I still have bad days, and especially with being back in Utah and feeling like we were stuck in limbo.

I have to be honest, I definitely feel like my emotions got the better of me, and it was harder to contain them the longer I had to wait to get a job. I felt very dark and I don't know how Kasey put up with me. 

But I finally feel like our next chapter has started and things look clearer. Instead of just looking at houses online, wishing that we could get one, we can actually look and be like "I can see myself living here," and make plans on home loans or a rental. We can start the move forward to fix the jeep, then trade it in, and get another vehicle for me. I can NOT wait to blast my music with the windows down. M83 came on this evening while I was driving and it just took me back to when I had my beetle and would just go for night drives to make myself happy, and I felt happy tonight. I have felt happy since I got a job offer. We can get insurance and I can go to the doctor so we can get the ball rolling on starting a family. We can make plans, and not have them be "wishful thinking", they can actually be plans that we set up and carry out.

There's one documentary on 9/11 that I feel like I need to watch. I don't know if it's a perspective thing, or maybe I'm just weird. I cry every time. I get goosebumps every time. And it makes me sad. But it makes me grateful to be alive, and have what I have. It's just called 9/11 and its by Jules and Gideon Naudet and James Hanlon. It aired on TV six months after the attack and I remember watching it. There was a warning before it saying that they will not be editing the language from it, it is real emotion, real life, real people, our heroes and their human emotions, such as fear, sadness, worry, and anger. I remembered they aired it a couple times afterward through the years. But then it stopped. And that one stayed with me. I don't know why. All of the documentaries were sad. But I just really needed to watch this one. These guys just happened to be there making a documentary on a probie firefighter and they caught the first plane flying into the tower, they were inside the North Tower when the South Tower fell, they were just a couple of blocks away when the last one fell. And I found it for sale at Walmart a year ago and I had to purchase it and watch it. I recommend that documentary above all others. It's not just looking at outside footage and pictures of the fallen, I feel like it is an even closer depth of the people that gave their lives. I don't know how to explain it.

There's another thing I recommend to watch, to put things in perspective for you, to motivate you. I watched it last night, and it definitely makes me want to focus on my hobby of writing a little more. It made me question myself, but instantly I wanted to move forward with it, and that is also a progress of mine compared to how I used to be before. It was J.K. Rowling's commencement speech for the 2008 Harvard class. It's just 20 minutes, but it's extremely powerful, and I think it would benefit a lot of people who watch it.

Wow, I'm definitely rambling. And I'm sure I forgot things I wanted to put in here. But that's not new haha I hope I haven't bored whoever is reading this.

Scatterbrained

I feel like my mind has been all over the place.I guess in a sense that's good since I have been mostly all focused on finding a job. Not that that is not in the forefront of my mind, because it is. I still haven't gotten anything yet. And it is insanely stressing. Here it is, the end of the month, and I still have nothing to show for it. I am at a loss to why this is happening. But I try my hardest finding a job that can help support us, and that is all I can do. I wish people liked me! ;)

Other things that have been occupying my thoughts are my stories. I keep coming up with so many ideas and I need to get them out or my head starts to hurt. I have several that I am working on right now. I love it. I love writing and getting everything down. I'm sure they're not that good, but that would be amazing if I could sell them. Then again, I haven't had any college, and it seems like a lot of people who write books have a little college under their belt, and I don't. Maybe eventually, we'll see.

I have so many ideas. They're not all the same. Some may be supernatural, and then others aren't at all, and they're just real life. I love being in my own little worlds. When they cross over, it's a little hard and I need to focus and narrow a lot of my ideas down. But they are all on the down low and I haven't let anyone read them. I'm not that far along anyway. I think it will make me feel accomplished to get them done, and I guess that's all that matters, having a hobby and keeping busy, so I'm not going so crazy about this job thing. Or maybe its made it worse? I don't know.

I'm also still crocheting. I need to focus on this thing I'm making. I should have had it done a little while ago, but then I started on my stories. I need to manage when I do everything haha but then wouldn't that mean I'm being OCD about something that supposed to calm me down? My brain is just going a million miles an hour.

We went to the movies the other day and saw a good one based off of a book. It made me want to read the books, and then I saw a preview for another movie based off of another book, and I want to read that. But now I feel like I would worry if I'd read something and feel like I am writing the same things, or lose my focus on what my story is compared to theirs. I guess it's not like a big deal since my stories aren't going to get out there anyways. But since my mind is all over the place, I shouldn't add more things to do. Then again, it really is keeping me busy when I'm not looking for a job constantly. Any escape is nice. I feel like I'm not even making sense in this post haha

Kasey didn't get a deer on his trip, but he'll still have a few more chances to get one this year. He said he had a good time, and that's all that matters, so that's good. We are supposed to be going camping tomorrow night. But we're going up a treacherous road and I am going to be having a crazy anxiety attack the entire time, just like the last time. I know, I'm a spaz.

Kasey started his fall semester this past week. I think it's going well. He is going full time, but he scheduled it so he has the same days off as the summer semester. He's still working up in Ogden with Securitas. It sucks, because he's gone all weekend basically and then he's at school all week, and exhausted the rest of the time. I just hope to get a job soon to take so much pressure off of him. And then we can get our own place! Please let it happen soon!

Unsure

It's weird. Normally I get on here when I'm mostly frustrated and upset about something and I need to vent, but really, I'm not feeling that so much right now. Of course I am annoyed and stressed constantly, but those aren't my feelings right now. But I can update anyways. 

I still have no job. I am trying constantly. I have had several interviews. But nothing came to fruition. I was so close to getting one at the VA again, but they went with someone else. I guess it was really close though. Getting back on at the VA has been so hard. I really want to get back up there. I loved working there. Ok, everyone has their bad days. But hindsight is always 20/20 and I know I complained sometimes, but it wasn't so horrible and I miss it a lot.

My mood has been slightly better I think. Well it had been. And I could only tell that, because all of the sudden this past week I started getting emotional again haha little did I know that I was getting sick. I should have known. And the last three days have been miserable. What started out as a slightly itchy throat has manifested into body aches and hot flashes and drippy noses and nausea and coughing and raspy voices. It's been pretty horrible.

And I am saying that my sickness is what made me so upset about this next part. Something pretty embarrassing happened on Thursday. I got a phone call and they left a message. And they were asking for an interview with me and so they could tell me a little about the job. The problem was that I had already interviewed for that job exactly two weeks previously. The guy had said that he'd be out of town and then he'd let me know when he got back. But instead I got a call asking for a first interview. And I know this all sounds so trivial. But I have been so stressed and depressed with not having a job, it just really upset me. He didn't remember me. I was forgetful apparently. I didn't care that all these jobs have so many people applying. It still hurt my feelings, and shook my confidence even further.I feel like such a failure not being able to get a job. I hate that I haven't had a job for almost 9 months.

It's so heartbreaking trying to be able to support your family when you can't get a job. If I got a job, even if it didn't pay the best (but of course it would need to be feasible), we would be able to finally move out and get our stuff back. This needs to happen soon, and it hasn't been. Its overwhelming to say the least.

I took Yzzy to her new temporary home this evening. She reacted a lot better than I thought she would. I really missed her and I can't wait to have to back. I spend some time still looking online at pictures of houses. I can't wait for us to have our own place that I can decorate and set up everything how we want and just lounge on our own couch, play video games, being able to get up in the middle of the night with a small bladder not worrying about the squeaky doors on the way waking other people in the house up. When I gotta pee, I gotta pee! And ooooo to have a real bed again! Oh man I am waiting for that like none other.

I was going through a lot of pics and videos online, also coming across my sister's old blog and it has given me a trip down memory lane. It is so crazy to see where I'm at now, who I'm married to, all the changes that have happened, all the new family members, and remembering how things used to be. Like baby Cooper. He was just the bee's knees. I've forgotten a lot of when he was little, but it's fun to go back and see. I saw him so much for the first three and a half years of his life, then Kasey and I move and then all of the sudden he is starting Kindergarten in a week. Where did all of the time go?

But then again, at the same time, for some reason, I feel like without me having a job, Kasey and I are in this crazy slow mo world where everything is slowed down, but everything and everyone else keeps moving forward.

My feelings are all over the place all the time. Sometimes I am so happy that we haven't had children yet. We aren't in a place to have any right now anyways, and we could use a little more "us" time after all of my job searching and our tight budget goes away. And then sometimes I am so devastated that it hasn't happened for us yet. Sure there's plenty of time. And like I said, we aren't in a place for that to happen right now. But that happens ALL the time to other people and it works itself out. I'm so envious. I don't know hat I feel anymore about it. It changes all the time and it's just confusing. It's pretty exhausting. I am definitely a tired gal.

I was looking at pictures of Kasey and I and I just love looking at them. He makes me so happy. And even through all of these tough times, we've been able to pull through it and keep going. We definitely deserve a break. We deserve some great news. Well Kasey got his haha He is leaving for his hunting trip in the morning and will be gone for a while. He definitely needs the break though and he's really excited for this, so I hope he's able to get a good buck. He's been looking forward to this for a long time. I just feel like I should at least be able to get a pedicure or something ;)

Kasey's school starts up in about a week or so. His first semester is already under his belt, and I am so proud of him. He's one step closer to his goals and that's always great. I'm so glad I'm able to be his cheerleader in this. I still need to work on my attitude though, and be a better cheerleader than I am now. One step at a time I suppose. 

I think I forgot to mention last time that I have started writing again. I just need to really focus on that when I start to feel frustrated or need a break from constantly searching for jobs. It keeps me busy and clears my head about all of that stuff and moves into all these fictional places and it makes me feel a little better. And then frustrated because I can't seem to always get out on paper what I'm thinking in my head. But it doesn't matter really. It's all just for fun, and I don't think anyone will really be reading any of my stuff anyways. Maybe I'll work on that this week while Kasey is gone, when I am not sending applications out. We'll see.

In the meantime, I WILL get a new job soon. I can feel it.

Playing the hand that's been dealt

Sometimes I feel like I am living in Groundhog Day Universe, and I need to figure out just how to change myself to make us move on to the next day instead of the same things repeating over and over.

I still don't have a job. It's not for lack of trying. Everyday I do the same thing, several times a day, looking for jobs, seeing if anything is updated. The other day I sent in eight applications. And two days before that I sent in six. I am applying for what I can. I feel like maybe I had been picky beforehand, but since I wasn't hired for the last VA job I applied for, I feel like there's no time for that. It's hard having worked my way up previously only to have to start at the bottom again. I guess that's just life. And looking for a job for over eight months is so exhausting.

We won a raffle and got a gift certificate for an AC or furnace worth $3500 including parts and labor. We are still at the in-laws, so we decided maybe we can make a little money off of it to help us out financially. We are asking for $1500, more than half off. It's a pretty good deal. We've had potential buyers, but they've fallen through. So we decided to post it on KSL to sell. It was on for only 5 hours when the owner of the company called to patronize us for placing it up saying he's losing money for it, and if we really want to sell it, that labor and parts won't be included.

I just feel like it seems when we finally have our hopes up, they seem to be shot down, almost instantly. We are able to pay for bills with what Kasey is making, but we aren't able to do anything else. Date nights are so rare. I was so happy that we were able to have one last month. They are definitely needed. If I had gotten that job, we would have been able to get our own house, get another car, pay for all of our bills, and still have money leftover for us to do things. I feel like such a failure. I need to know if and what I am doing wrong in my interviews, or if someone just happens to be more qualified than me. Believe me, I'm not all mopey when I am there, you are just always reading hen I am having a down moment. I am always positive, upbeat, smiling, and sending those happy vibes out to hopefully get that job.

We really need me to have a job with steady income coming in, so we can support ourselves and we can get our own place. Selling that ticket, the money wouldn't go too far, but we had plans with it. Kasey has been looking forward to the archery deer hunt which starts in mid-August. I don't want people saying we need to sort out or priorities on what to do with our money. Kasey needs this. He is working his ass off. He's working the weekends and going to school all week to provide for us. He's exhausted and needs a break and this is what he has been looking forward to since we've moved back. We would put some in savings, and then the rest for things we need. Yzzy needs to be fixed. If our friend is watching her and she's driving him nuts, the best we could do is finally get her fixed since we still can't take her back. It would just help us out tremendously, especially with gas.

I'm just hoping for me to get a job soon so we can move on and move forward with all of our plans, instead of just imagining when and if they will happen. There are a few jobs I am waiting to hear back from. I'm sending positive thoughts that way, and hoping that I will hear some good news! I just have to keep trying.

Keep Moving Forward

It's been awhile. We've been extremely busy. Things have been tough. Things have also been worse though, so that's a plus! 

I still don't have a job. I'm trying my best to get one. It's stressing and it's taking it's toll. I just applied for two more today. I'm really hoping it happens soon. We really need this. Kasey is working pretty bad hours on weekends, and he's also going to school right now. He's definitely keeping busy and keeping us afloat. Money is a big issue right now and we still have bills to pay. We're cutting it really close, just getting by. We're still living with Kasey's family. And as much as I love them, I really can't wait to have our own place. I miss our stuff. I miss having more than 1-2 weeks worth of clothes and then washing and then repeating. I miss Yzzy. She's staying with a friend, and I desperately want to see her, even though she hates me.

Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful to have a place to stay. To have people watching our pets. To be able to get by 'til the next paycheck. But I need a damn job. I feel like once that happens things will definitely start the ball rolling.

Kasey and I have been married for two years today. He is my best friend and we have been through a lot together. Through miscarriages, fights, no money, crappy jobs, to vacations, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. We've had a lot of Up's to go with our Down's. I feel like it's been bunched together in the last two years, instead of being spread out over time.

I just want to make him proud of me. I want to be just as helpful to our little family as he is. I want to support us as much as he is. I want to have a good paying job so he won't have to work so he can focus on school. I want to be able to buy him presents for our Anniversary, or hell, even just go to dinner. I want him to be able to get all the camo he wants and do all the hunting and fishing he desires instead of me grilling him about how much everything is. I want to be someone he can depend on to make sure that we are floating along with two paddles and even a damn motor instead of us having one life jacket and me clinging desperately to it dragging him down.

I have been thinking about things we can try and sell to get a little extra money. Most of our stuff is in storage however, and not easily accessible. I have even been thinking about selling my wedding dress. I don't want to. But am I ever going to use it again? But it just has me thinking. And looking at pictures today online does as well. We have made it two years. With the stuff we've gone through, that's a big achievement. Hell, even with the times these days, making it two years in a marriage is a huge accomplishment. We've made it this far. It was like this in Tennessee. We were tight then, we're tight now. But we're making it through little by little. We've been making it by with a little help from our true friends too.

I just have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason. Everything has been happening to make us stronger. That even like yesterday when I was mad at Kasey, and he was frustrated with me, that we can laugh at the situation, cut the tension, and he gives me his adorable grin and kisses me. Our plans and our rewards in life are going to happen. I am going to get a job, we are going to get pregnant, we are going to get a home, we are going to get everything we want, we are going to keep moving forward.

Anticipation

The time has come when I will see my husband again. I feel like it has taken so long, and I also feel like it's flown by. But that's only because the main reason I came back here alone as to find a job to help us get situated and that deadline kept running out. And now it's a bit late. I have applied for many jobs and am waiting to hear back from them. I literally just sent in an application for two more.

 

I know I can't be picky. I really can't. Any money is better than no money. But I also know that we wouldn't be able to live off of me only making 8 bucks an hour. But we just have to make things work right now.

 

I'll be flying out on Wednesday, the movers are coming on Thursday to pick our stuff up, and we'll probably head out Thursday night/Friday morning. We'll have the dog and cat in tow. We have no idea what we're going to do once we get here, especially where we're going to stay with the pets. I can't imagine having to give them away just because I wasn't able to get a job right away to help out with money to procure a place to stay. It seems like a big fail when all I was supposed to do here was get a job and I didn't.

 

I just have to believe that things will work out. Things will turn around and everything will be great. We have so many plans and I want to see them come to fruition. I can't wait for Kasey to get here. I miss him so much. He wants to start going to school in the fall. I think it is an amazing idea and I'm glad he knows what he wants to do. We want to have a home. This may not happen for a while, so we'll have to rent a place for about a year and then go from there. Kasey needs to work on his credit. I wanted to work on mine as well, but when I went in, I expected a lower number than 771, so that was an amazingly pleasant surprise. I have a good percentage option when it comes time for a new car loan.

 

I'm excited for all of our plans together and just moving forward. I have to keep that end goal in mind when I think about how stressing it is right now. It could be worse. We have a lot more going for us than some people do. We just need to hold on to hope and positivity.

That's life! (That's what all people say...)

I feel like even though I'm just as stressed as the last blog, that I'm in a better place right now. Maybe I'm just in a better mood? I have definitely been trying to work on not letting as many things affect me, especially if I have no control on it whatsoever.

 

I have been very reflective lately, thinking of some "what ifs". Not in a longing way, but just playing things out of stuff that's gone on in my life. And I always come back to the fact that I love who I've ended up with and how well our life is together. I wouldn't change it for anything. Everything we have gone through has made us stronger together. Everything I've gone through before, lead me to who I am and who I am with now.

 

It's funny when people say that its hard to tell who your real friends are. I know I've said that a lot too. But it really isn't hard anymore. I know who my true friends are. There are really only a couple of them. They know who they are. They've been there for me, especially since I've been back. I'd rather have those close friends than a bunch of fake ones.

 

I've been watching the Jodi Arias trial lately. My mother in law got me into it. We were really into the Casey Anthony trial when it was on a couple years ago. I have to say that I am addicted. I find all of these dynamics fascinating. I love the psychological aspects of everything. It also has been making me sick to my stomach. It's an up and down roller coaster ride. But it's a lot of entertainment and I'm learning new things every day I watch it.

 

I love learning new things. I wouldn't say it's a regret of mine, but one of my what ifs makes me wonder about going to college. Even thinking about it though I don't know what I would want my major to be. I think criminology would be really interesting, but I am not good with actual physical blood. I can see my own blood and be fine (unless its a finger or toe injury) and I don't mind bloody messes in movies or TV shows. But any blood in person makes me so woozy. I would be a horrible investigator if I couldn't even make it a minute through the crime scene. I've always been interested in Psychology as well, but I am also terrified that there would be that one crazy patient that stalks you. I have a big imagination, so sue me. I had wanted to be a massage therapist before, but my wrists are all screwed up now, I wouldn't be able to do it. And something in the Veterinarian field has always been a passion, but once again, blood. I also love learning things about History and anything with movies. I'm always on Wikipedia and IMDB. I just love learning.

 

I'm still looking for a job. I am waiting to hear back about two jobs that closed, one of which I received an email saying that I as qualified for it. But I haven't heard back since. I called and they said they were conducting interviews and I should hear back soon, but still nothing. I've been here for almost two full months and I don't really have anything to show for it. I'm just really hoping our luck turns around in that area.

 

Kasey has begun all of his closing out. I can not wait to fly back out there and take our drive back! I miss spending time with him. It's hard to go from spending every single day with someone for a year and then be away from them, even though we talk every day.

 

Our plans right now are me finding a job as soon as possible so we can have that stability once Kasey is out and not working. Kasey is wanting to go to school. We want to get a home. We might have to settle for an apartment at first, but we're so ready to start our future and get a home and set it up and hopefully have a place for Chester to run. At some point we'll need two cars. One for him to get to school and one for me to go to work. But it's all just one step at a time at this point.