Born Free, As Free as the Wind Blows

It's been a little while. I will be making a post about some updates that Kasey and I have probably in the next day or two (if you're still following me), but this is something that I have been thinking about a lot, and I wanted to get it out there. Full disclosure: you may or may not like what you read or it may change your opinion of me, but that's the beauty of this being my blog. This is also extremely personal information, so if it begins to make you feel uncomfortable, you do not have to keep reading.

Something had been eating at me from several weeks ago, and I subconsciously wasn't letting it go. There was a conversation going on with unnamed parties (as I don't find that pertinent information to this story) discussing about instances of boyfriends being jerks and the woman had then begun dating another woman. I believe in many if not most cases when a person "jumps ship" on the gender they were dating, they are being viewed as going through a phase or doing it for attention etc. I thought I had felt this way as well, but I really don't and I have grown up and have my own thoughts and opinions separate from those of whom I was hanging out with at the time to mold my views around, to fit in.

I don't think it's fair to say that someone is wrong for wanting to date. Why does who someone else dates have to fit the mold of your own agenda. "Oh, they were in a serious relationship with a man for X amount of time, so they must date another man next." What's wrong with depending on the shoulders of your friends when you are going through a rough time and you realize you actually really like this person and you want to date them? And if they really are just testing it out, what's wrong with that?

I don't necessarily believe that it all just comes down to attraction. Of course it has a lot to do with it. But emotional connection is just as vital. What does it matter what gender? It's not as simple as "well Tabitha, look at that woman, are you sexually attracted to her? Are you sexually attracted to most women?"

Why does it have to be one or the other? When I was younger I never even envisioned having sex with a man, let alone anyone for that matter. "Do you think about other women or can you envision having sex with a woman now?" Actually no, because TMI, I envision having sex with my husband in our monogamous relationship we have.

However, I can't say where my life would be if I were not married or who I would be dating or married to. I could equally as much be with a man as I could be with a woman.

Though, with my feelings out there, because I am married to a man and have never dated a woman, I therefore can not be "considered" anything besides straight? I didn't know there conditions and hoops I need to jump through to be who I am and feel the way that I do. 

So you can stop talking to me if you want, pray for me, judge me, try to change me, tell me I'm wrong for my feelings, but this is who I am. And I hope you can love and accept me for who you perceived me to be 5 minutes ago before reading this, because unless I have somehow literally done you wrong by this, I am still the same person I have always been. Love is love.

If you've made it to the end, thank you, and I'll be posting soon about our exciting new updates :)

Some Clarity

This week is going to be a rough but doable week. Some big changes are happening at work. My boss is extremely ill. We learned he had two tumors in his brain, one in his abdomen, and one in his lung. He missed grants week and we knew something was up when he didn't come in. Last year when he had a bad cold, he was at work til all hours of the evening and the weekend, but he didn't come in at all. Thankfully he had surgery on Friday and they extracted the bigger of the two brain tumors. We'll know hopefully soon his next step in treatment and where to go from there.

It just breaks my heart because he was planning on retiring this coming January, and this happens? What kind of crap is that? He is probably one of the nicest guys. He reminds me a lot of my dad and Kasey and it really hits home. I'm trying to stay positive on his prognosis, but I don't think we'll be expecting him to come back to work, at least for awhile, and if anything he'll probably just come in to close things out. I think that is what I would do if I had less than a year til retirement.

This week will also mark the year since my due date. If we had had our baby, they would have potentially been turning one this week. Such a big milestone that we won't get to. Although Kasey and I are in a good place and ok with not having kids, sometimes it can get really rough and I need a moment. It's hard when your body doesn't do what it is supposed to do or what you want it to. It feels like a failure. Obviously there is nothing that I did and nothing that I could have done. It's hard to express what I mean.

One thing that seemed like such a coincidence or something meant to be is when we adopted our new kitties in July. When we went to Petsmart and fell in love with that little black fuzzball I knew I had to have him. As we received the paperwork I looked at his birthday and it was 3/15, the same week as what our estimated due date had been. He is turning one this week.

 

I know Nox is a cat, but he is exactly what we needed. He is like our little fuzzy baby. He talks back, he cuddles, he plays with his food, and makes a mess. He makes me feel better when I don't feel well, makes me happy when I feel sad, and he makes me laugh. He doesn't seem bonded to Lumos like they said he was, but I don't think our little family would feel as complete if we had come home without him either. I wish people would understand the connection I feel with our little monsters and not laugh at me haha

Kasey is SO close to graduating. Just a couple months left. He has begun applying for jobs on base and at the VA as well as other places. I am so excited for him and proud of how far he has come. I can't wait for his next steps.

Some job opportunities may be coming up for me. I am not going to hold my breath, but I am going to work hard for it and see where it takes me. I'll keep you updated if it progresses. I am going to try and keep my positivity and not let the stress of things to come deter me from where I'm trying to go.

So You Won the Jackpot...What Now?

By now, you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that the Powerball is at a $1.5 billion jackpot, and that number could-and will most likely-change by tomorrow. I bet you've thought about what you'd like to do with the money. But have you really thought about it? Like had a serious thought about what might happen if you actually did beat the staggering odds and won the money?

I think it's a good idea to write this down. What is the first thing that really comes to your mind?What's the second? And the third? If you wanted to, who would you give money to? Would you donate any money? Think about it seriously, what would it mean to you to win?

Now look at your list. These are your goals, your hopes and dreams. Some things may seem extravagant, and some things may be actual things that you are striving for that could actually happen. You don't need to win the lotto to make your dreams come true. Sure, it will take a hell of a lot of hard work and time and energy, but if you strive for it, it can happen.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't be nice to win, and though money isn't everything, it can help you reach your dreams faster, SO your odds of winning may seem extremely slim, but you will never win if you don't go out and try. The same as you won't accomplish your goals if you wait for money to fall into your lap.

Good luck everyone!