Trying to figure out who you are as a person is never-ending.
Who you are, who you’re going to be, where you’re going. “What do you want to
be when you grow up?” I’m still working it out. I’m still growing up. Am I past
the point I should be to actually figuring it all out?
High School is never over. The judging never stops.
People’s opinions and comments come at you. They find you and tear at you,
leaving their marks as they go. You’re judged for being too different. But when
you try to fit in, they call you fake and remark on your inability to do
anything right.
As you grow up, you realize that kids are mean and you
learn to get over it. You can forgive, but it is so hard to forget. It’s hard
to forget someone shoving letters in my locker with the word “Poser” written
over and over on it, letters that were from my friends. It’s hard to forget being
teased for the way that I looked: “Four Eyes” “Big Nose” “Your clothes are so
dark. Are you trying to be goth?” “Your hair is so short. Why’d you cut it like
that? Now you look like a boy.” It’s hard to forget being the new girl in a new
state in a new school with no friends “Why do you talk like that?” “What’s your
religion? Wow, you believe in something else? You tripped me by looking at me,
you must be a witch” It’s hard to forget
being called a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend in High School, but
somehow also a rumor going around that I was a whore that slept with the entire
football team, even though I never knew anyone on the team.
I can let it go in the sense that I see the humor in how
people didn’t know me, or were young and aren’t that way now; in how these are
silly, unimportant things, that shouldn’t affect me anymore.
But some days it does. It affects me in the way that I
feel about myself. It affects me in the way that I programmed myself growing
up. It makes me question myself. Will I be good enough? Will I be smart enough?
What am I going to do wrong?
And the judgments don’t stop when you graduate. People
questioning your life choices: If you get married too soon or not soon enough.
What is too soon? Who decides that? People questioning your decision on who to
date or who not to date. People questioning where you work. People questioning
your beliefs, your stances, your opinions. If it’s different than theirs then
it is automatically wrong. “Oh you like guns? You must be ok with people
murdering other people.” “You’re a hunter? You must be heartless.” “You eat
meat? That’s disgusting.” Or it’s the way that you look: “You look like you’ve
gained weight.” “You’ve lost weight? You’re too skinny.” “You have tattoos? You
must not value your body or your self-image or self-worth. You must not want a
good job.” Or about things that you have no control over: “Why don’t you have
kids yet? You’re running out of time.”
It’s thoughtless. Thoughtless comments, about things that
aren’t anybody’s business, that shouldn’t matter. But they do sometimes. Why is
that?
These comments seem so asinine that there’s no way people
have actually said them, right? Maybe I am just imagining that people are
thinking these things about me? And if I am, what got me to that point? But
they must have been said at least once for the idea to be there in the first
place right? The questions that you ask yourself: Am I good enough? Am I smart
enough? Am I doing something wrong?
I want to write books. I enjoy it. It helps me clear my
head. I have so many ideas. But I seem to have an increased crippling fear of
being judged that I can’t even get my thoughts straight to write them down. And
it’s not like I plan on having anyone ever reading them in the first place. But
maybe it isn’t a fear of being judged. Maybe it’s a fear of “what if”? What if
they are good? What if people would actually like them? Then I am putting
myself out there. Am I ready for that?
Then the fear of the unknown hits randomly. Am I running
out of time? When is it going to be up? Life can be so very short. What am I
going to accomplish? Am I focusing on the wrong things? Why do I worry so much
about things I can’t control?
Most days I am doing good. I have so much to be thankful
for. I have a job, a car, a house, adorable pets that make me happy, and a
wonderful husband who loves me for the quirky person that I am even when I have
dark days.
So then the task comes to building myself up. There are
only so many things people can say to make you feel good about yourself. You
need to work on making yourself feel better too. I am good enough. I am smart
enough. I’m not doing anything wrong. My husband believes in me. I need to
start showing that I believe in me too.
