Existential

Trying to figure out who you are as a person is never-ending. Who you are, who you’re going to be, where you’re going. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m still working it out. I’m still growing up. Am I past the point I should be to actually figuring it all out?

 

High School is never over. The judging never stops. People’s opinions and comments come at you. They find you and tear at you, leaving their marks as they go. You’re judged for being too different. But when you try to fit in, they call you fake and remark on your inability to do anything right.

 

As you grow up, you realize that kids are mean and you learn to get over it. You can forgive, but it is so hard to forget. It’s hard to forget someone shoving letters in my locker with the word “Poser” written over and over on it, letters that were from my friends. It’s hard to forget being teased for the way that I looked: “Four Eyes” “Big Nose” “Your clothes are so dark. Are you trying to be goth?” “Your hair is so short. Why’d you cut it like that? Now you look like a boy.” It’s hard to forget being the new girl in a new state in a new school with no friends “Why do you talk like that?” “What’s your religion? Wow, you believe in something else? You tripped me by looking at me, you must be a witch”  It’s hard to forget being called a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend in High School, but somehow also a rumor going around that I was a whore that slept with the entire football team, even though I never knew anyone on the team.

 

I can let it go in the sense that I see the humor in how people didn’t know me, or were young and aren’t that way now; in how these are silly, unimportant things, that shouldn’t affect me anymore.

 

But some days it does. It affects me in the way that I feel about myself. It affects me in the way that I programmed myself growing up. It makes me question myself. Will I be good enough? Will I be smart enough? What am I going to do wrong?

 

And the judgments don’t stop when you graduate. People questioning your life choices: If you get married too soon or not soon enough. What is too soon? Who decides that? People questioning your decision on who to date or who not to date. People questioning where you work. People questioning your beliefs, your stances, your opinions. If it’s different than theirs then it is automatically wrong. “Oh you like guns? You must be ok with people murdering other people.” “You’re a hunter? You must be heartless.” “You eat meat? That’s disgusting.” Or it’s the way that you look: “You look like you’ve gained weight.” “You’ve lost weight? You’re too skinny.” “You have tattoos? You must not value your body or your self-image or self-worth. You must not want a good job.” Or about things that you have no control over: “Why don’t you have kids yet? You’re running out of time.”

 

It’s thoughtless. Thoughtless comments, about things that aren’t anybody’s business, that shouldn’t matter. But they do sometimes. Why is that?

 

These comments seem so asinine that there’s no way people have actually said them, right? Maybe I am just imagining that people are thinking these things about me? And if I am, what got me to that point? But they must have been said at least once for the idea to be there in the first place right? The questions that you ask yourself: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I doing something wrong?

 

I want to write books. I enjoy it. It helps me clear my head. I have so many ideas. But I seem to have an increased crippling fear of being judged that I can’t even get my thoughts straight to write them down. And it’s not like I plan on having anyone ever reading them in the first place. But maybe it isn’t a fear of being judged. Maybe it’s a fear of “what if”? What if they are good? What if people would actually like them? Then I am putting myself out there. Am I ready for that?

 

Then the fear of the unknown hits randomly. Am I running out of time? When is it going to be up? Life can be so very short. What am I going to accomplish? Am I focusing on the wrong things? Why do I worry so much about things I can’t control?

 

Most days I am doing good. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a job, a car, a house, adorable pets that make me happy, and a wonderful husband who loves me for the quirky person that I am even when I have dark days.

 

So then the task comes to building myself up. There are only so many things people can say to make you feel good about yourself. You need to work on making yourself feel better too. I am good enough. I am smart enough. I’m not doing anything wrong. My husband believes in me. I need to start showing that I believe in me too.

Summer Is Only Just Beginning

I really need to keep up on this. I just read my last post about all of the things I had hoped to have finished by the next time I wrote and that hasn't happened. BUT I think we hope to get the baseboards done soon, and then we can have people over. Summer has "officially" started, so it would be great to have a get together.

Mother's Day passed. It just makes me think hard about some things. Part of me is quite fine with it just being Kasey and I. Other times it's frustrating. But I'm learning to cope while we decide what is best for us and focusing on the NOW.

However you know the phrase "baby hungry"? Well I am "fur-baby hungry". It doesn't help that this month all cats above a year old at the humane society are free. Then I think, wait, do I want a cat or a dog? And then I get annoyed with the pets I already have and then just decide it would be best to have no pets at all haha

I don't think Yzzy would be very happy with us if we came home with another furball like her. She likes to think she is the queen of the house. And we still can't decide on what kind of dog we would get if we got one. I am adamant I want a German or Australian Shepherd. Kasey wants a Lab.

The garden is growing nicely. And the new grass is getting there. With the heat, the soil is drying up so quickly and we are trying to constantly keep it wet. I actually should be out there right now to give the garden some water, but the neighbors are outside and Chester can't be running around barking at them. We just got him fixed yesterday. Hopefully he'll start listening to me more....Probably not though haha

I'm having issues focusing. I want to write all of the time, but it's always when I am not able to, like at work or driving. But by the time I get home, I am so exhausted that I just want to relax and have lost the motivation to move my lazy arms to reach for the computer. And my brain is so melted by then that nothing would really come flowing out at that point. I honestly feel that if I had a week away from all distractions and responsibilities that I could get a good amount of any of my books done. But I can't really just shut myself off from everything and everyone.

Work has been good. Even if I complain about it, I still have had worse experiences in previous jobs. Basically every job has it's issues and we learn from them for future experiences. I think growing up has a bit to do with it as well. I am able to take more stress and frustrations than I used to be. It doesn't mean it isn't exhausting though and that I don't need to take those "mental health days" to get away from the bullshit every now and then. But I do my best to focus on my work, and have been going in on the weekends and working a lot of overtime to take care of all the extra duties I take on.

Kasey doesn't have much longer with school. He should be able to graduate at the end of the next spring semester! And then he can start trying to get a job at the VA (or wherever he wants). I am so proud of him and everything he has been able to accomplish. He's done an amazing job taking care of our little family. I like to believe that we make a wonderful team.

Well, the heat is on outside and summer is only just beginning. I can't imagine how much hotter it can get, I don't even want to try to. It's supposed to be in the hundreds next week. I think I'll be spending a lot of time lying on the floor trying not to die. Maybe we'll eventually move farther north....

Snapping Back to Reality

Well I didn't write in here in February, so I already fail with writing at least once a month. But I'm forcing myself to sit down and type since I took a day off!

Today would have been my due date. I know babies don't always come on their due dates; it's an estimation. But since today was the date I was given it's been sticking with me, and I knew it would just be nice to not go to work today thinking "I should be in labor potentially right now".

I think I've been doing better with our decision to not try for kids. But I still have my random bad days. I think sometimes things just hit me hard like when people announce or talk about their symptoms and post their names that I'm pretty sure I had mentioned we had planned to use. But hey, you had your baby first. Other days though these things don't bother me. So then my reactions make me feel crazy and bad for feeling this way. Maybe I'm not doing better....hahaha

There was this competition to win an Inn in Maine that I saw randomly online (and then it was all over the news), and I just had a light bulb and decided I would absolutely put in for that. Why not, you know? I had small doubts but I squashed them. I was so determined. Even if I didn't get it, and $125 is a good amount of money I could spend on other things, I thought it would be nice for someone else to win it and my entry helped make it happen. But then randomly I was on their Facebook page and someone posted about needing to take out a loan to pay for the approximate $400,000 taxes and such. 

I was probably a bit naive to think it would be so simple as to win a place for a 200 word essay and $125. But as soon as I had seen the competition I just HAD to go for it. So many ideas popped into my head with what we could do with it. I definitely had this whole idea for Veteran retreats and discounts as well as other things. I knew that I wasn't a chef or hadn't managed a hotel, or inn, or anything like that, but I had the drive and the determination to absolutely make it work!

So now I'm snapping back to reality, and I don't think that I'm going to put in for it, BUT it planted that little seed of what I want to work for. Kasey still wants to own a guide service and I would love to have a retreat of some kind for Veterans. I just need to work harder, write more, and save more and just believe that we can make it happen.

Our house is coming along nicely. I want to get our baseboards in and then we can have a housewarming party! I just think it would feel so much more complete with those baseboards in. It's weird, I know. The weather is warming up and we're working on the yard. When I say "we", I mean mostly Kasey. He has been phenomenal! He's so happy with a yard to work on. I think it makes him feel super manly ;)

Hopefully by the next time I post, we will be ready for our get together and I will be able to post before and after pictures of our progress we've made. I can't wait!

So You Want To Start A Resolution

Ha, see what I did there with the title? I thought it was clever, 'cus of the new year and all. Once again I'm saying "It's been a while", because it has. I actually only wrote on here twice the entire last year. I definitely plan to be writing in here more often; if not, then at least once a month.

Also, again I will be saying, I have been reflecting on a lot of stuff. I think most people do with a new year starting and an old one ending. A lot happened last year. A few things were: two surgeries, one miscarriage, two ER visits (one for each of us), my best friend lost her mom, hunting trips, anniversary trip, we lost one of our friends, some of our grandparents had some health scares, our 5th Christmas as a married couple (one while he was in Afghanistan, 4 together), new house, new car, normal stuff like work and school. It seems like a lot went on last year and I want to talk about all of it, but then that would be a horribly long post. We know I'm not afraid of typing long posts, I just don't know if I'd be able to show justice to how my thoughts and feelings were at the time since I was lazy and didn't type out about them sooner. 

That's one thing I'm really frustrated about: I did not keep up with writing like I thought I would. I can't remember the last time I wrote for my book. And like I said, I only wrote here in my blog twice last year. As well as my goal to write more in here, I hope to write more in general, especially my book ideas. I have so many ideas and I really want to get them out. It really makes me feel better when I write. It makes me feel less crazy when I get my ideas out instead of them jumbling around together in my head.

Our house is coming along wonderfully. Kasey was even working on some paint yesterday and today. It looks so nice. I know I need to do a picture update (on here and on Facebook) to show just how much of a difference it is from when we bought it. It still doesn't feel completely real that we have a house. Some things we still need to do to it is more painting, baseboards and some decorating. I seriously need to go through my clothes and clean this place up. I think it was so overwhelming with everything going on that I have left boxes packed and stuff just laying around on the floor. It's a huge project and I'm still adjusting. But I want to get it ALL done soon so we can finally have a housewarming party!

Christmas was really great this year. We spent a good amount of time with family and we were able to get each other pretty much everything on our lists, or at least very close to everything. Kasey got me every CD I asked for. He was so determined. I was able to get him a bit of hunting stuff that he'll be able to use. I know he wants a boat and we weren't able to get that yet, but I'm hoping it won't have to be too long before we are able to.

I never really set resolutions but last year we did and surprisingly I think we accomplished about half of them. I can't fully remember, but I saw the list last month. I don't know if I want to make an actual resolution list, but maybe mostly a goal list that I want to continuously work on, even when the year has ended.

I would like to continue working out. I started after recovering from my first surgery towards the beginning of last year and I have kept up with it on and off since then. I find that even though I'm tired after working out, I tend to feel a little better all around.

Like I said before, I want to continue finding time to write. I mean, I want to set some time aside to actually make myself sit down and write. It makes me feel better mentally. I also want to keep my hands more busy again when I'm not writing, like crocheting. I haven't done that in a while either and I feel like my stress and anxiety has been higher since I haven't used my outlets basically at all. I definitely need to work on my anxiety better.

I want to be a better friend and be less flaky. I think a lot of that has to come from how I feel, which is tired all the time or lazy or what have you. I seriously have so much more fun sitting around playing games or watching movies than going out. But it's not always what I want to do and I really need to show that I do want to spend time with my friends. I definitely could at least make more of an effort.

I also feel the same way with being around the house. I want to be a better wife than I have been. As I said, I have been slacking on the unpacking deal. Kasey has been amazing. All of his stuff was unpacked and set up relatively quickly. His hunting room is all set up and it looks so presentable. I think basically if I were not living here, the house would be good enough already for the housewarming party to have happened a couple of months ago.

I think when people set realistic goals, they are more prone to accomplish them if they give it the effort in the first place. Of course, it's always fun to add crazy things to the list to keep it interesting. And not everything has to be on the list for it to be just as exciting if it happens. Every small or big thing can be viewed as an accomplishment or a goal finished. It's all in the eye of the beholder. So, my my goal, I should be writing in here in at least a months time again, if not sooner. We'll see!