It's been a long while since I've written. I've been busy, I didn't know what to write, then I had something to write about, but I didn't want to. Not just yet anyway. And then I had worries and didn't want to write about it, not until things got better. And then they didn't. But I'm writing about it all now, because I really need to get my feelings out. Maybe it will feel better. So I'll just come right out with it.
On July 19th, I woke up and took a test. And a second line popped up next to the control line. Mind you, this was not any faint line. It was pretty visible. Immediately I texted my sister wanting to know if she gave me an expired test. I started shaking. I have never had a line pop up like that. My sister came and got me and we bought another test. One that is supposed to read hormone levels better. I chugged some water and waited until I had to go. I took two tests this time, of two varieties. The other one could have been a false positive. But it wasn't, because the lines popped up on both tests, extremely visible: I was pregnant.
Finally. In our 32nd month of trying, a bright line finally emerged for us. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I hadn't stopped shaking since earlier. How was I going to tell Kasey? I didn't know if I was supposed to be ecstatic or apprehensive. Brittni and I went to the store and bought some buns. I came home and tossed the test inside the bun, and threw it in the oven. Then I told Kasey I got something for him (he had just woken up since he works weekends). I got it on video. The excitement on his face was captured and it was a wonderful feeling all around. We were going to have a baby.
July 24th I woke up extremely early. I wanted to beat all of the crowds trying to find a way to work since most of the streets would be be closed headed up to the VA. I wasn't feeling well at all and (TMI) when I used the restroom, there was blood in the toilet. There wasn't a ton and it wasn't clotted so I tried to not get stressed out. It could be completely normal. But I still felt ill and kept having to adjust the air between hot and cold in the Jeep on the drive, deciding on what felt better. I arrived about 15 minutes before 5am.
I started to settle in. I turned my computer on like every morning, and got my files out to start working. I had just emailed my boss to let him know I was early and that I wasn't feeling well so maybe I could leave early instead of getting overtime, when I started to feel sick. I was dizzy. So extremely dizzy and I felt like I was cross eyed and that I couldn't catch my breath. I thought maybe if I laid down for a second, it would go away. As soon as I sat on the floor, I felt like I was going to throw up. Since we have carpet (crappy old carpet, but carpet nonetheless), I hopped up really fast, and grabbed my keys to the supply closet. There's a women's bathroom attached, and it's private enough so no one would hear me spewing my brains out. I reached the office door, which I kept closed, because it was early and I was alone and scared of creepers, and my vision already start to go. It was less that 30 feet I figured down the hall. Everything was so blurry and I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out at any minute. Time moved so slowly and I felt like I was swimming underwater trying to get to the supply closet. I was almost there. I barely got my key in the door when everything went black.
When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes and became hyper aware of how heavy I was breathing but couldn't open my eyes or mouth, and just how much I was sweating. Eventually I felt like I could move my body. I was laying on the ground, flat on my stomach with my arms awkwardly underneath my chest and my legs straight, toes pointed. I still to this day do not remember opening the door, closing the door (it was fully closed behind me), or laying down on the ground. I got scared. Did I fall on my stomach? What does this mean? Is it because I was bleeding a little earlier? I hadn't told barely anyone about it and who was I going to call at 5am? I crawled the rest of the way into the bathroom and closed the door. I could barely lift my head without feeling so completely sick.
So I laid there, for who knows how long. Then I texted my coworker Nikki. She called campus police and they came up to me. At that point I could move a little better and I could breathe. I got up and went back to my office, making sure I left the door open and the air flowing in felt amazing. The police arrived and since I am in an "out building" they called 911. There was so much going on when they arrived. I was a mess. I'm terrified that something is wrong. I think I am losing the baby. I tell them, by doctor calculations I should be approximately 6 weeks pregnant. They take my blood pressure and its fine. They check my blood levels and they're fine. There's like 10 people just standing all around staring at me as I'm having a breakdown, and they say I should probably take the short jaunt over to the hospital in the ambulance. They want to make sure I'm ok. "What if you try and drive home and you pass out again?" So, by a small amount of peer pressure, I say sure. And they make me lay on the bright yellow gurney and take me out to the ambulance. The ride lasts about 5 minutes and we arrive at 6:10am.
Long story short, it was a horrible day. I did not get home until 10:30pm. They did many ultrasounds and said they didn't see anything in my uterus. They did a pelvic and said there were some clots and that I most likely miscarried. Kasey came and spent the entire day with me while I was in and out of it because of nausea meds. They drew blood many times throughout the day. They said it was a syncope and were worried about my heart because my pulse was extremely high (I had been experiencing tightness of the chest for a few days before the incident).
Kasey had to leave early because he was supposed to work extra that night so my Mother in law and Stepfather in law came to get me and drove me home. This was not the way I had wanted to tell anyone. I had so many ideas how to come out to our parents, and instead it was like "Hey Tabitha got a positive test but it looks like she may have miscarried. Can you come and get her? I have to work overtime and they won't release her." Definitely not an exciting, burst in the room with an adorable "I'm pregnant!" shirt.
Two days later I went back for a scheduled blood draw. I called later that evening and to my surprise, my numbers had more than doubled. That was extremely good news. We were once again, excited, but apprehensive. We decided to let our other parents know, so they were in on everything since I went to the hospital. I was still disappointed it wouldn't be a surprise. We WERE able to surprise Kasey's dad and stepmom because we got the good numbers news and we decided to get a good reaction for the first time in person and I got his reaction on my phone as well and it made us feel good inside knowing that all of our parents were so happy for us. We went to a few appointments and there was actually a black spot that finally showed up and he said that it was the gestational sac and that the baby would be visible in a few weeks.
Previously I thought that the Randall Family BBQ would be a good time to tell people, but the closer it got, the more I felt like it was too early to tell anyone. All this time I had been dealing with major nausea and working with food aversions, tummy aches, increasingly sore boobs, all sorts of symptoms. I actually started to get so excited. We were supposed to see something the next time we went in to the doctor. That was the 12th. At that point we should have even seen a heartbeat potentially. All there was, was a black empty void.
The gestational sac was there in my uterus. But there was no baby, no yolk sac. Just nothing. Immediately the doctor starts apologizing, to the point that I feared he may have forgotten how to speak other words. He said to come back in a week and that my risk of miscarriage went up to 40-50%. That was definitely not how Kasey or I thought the appointment would go at all. I went in thinking I was going to see a little baby in there. Our little baby. And I saw a hole. I started to get upset, but Kasey said it's not over. It could still be too early and we can't get upset yet. I tried to suck it up. But I have to admit I did a horrible job. And then I began to feel different.
Even though I was tired and still nauseous, it wasn't to the degree I had been before. My boobs were still sore, but not as sensitive as before. I didn't have my newly acquired all cheese flavor, all the time craving anymore. Several people had said before that they "just knew" when they were pregnant or they felt like they weren't alone. I didn't have that feeling at all anymore. I mean, obviously I had Kasey there. But I didn't have a distinct feeling like everyone else had described to me.
So I had my next appointment this afternoon. I didn't have high hopes. Does that sound negative? Yes, I'm sure it does. But I was also being realistic. I really didn't feel pregnant anymore. It didn't feel real. I didn't see a heartbeat. I didn't even see anything. How was something just supposed to sprout in 7 days time? I was never to find out. Because he did the ultrasound again and it was confirmed that there was no baby in the gestational sac.
I have what is called a Blighted Ovum. Basically it is when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but it doesn't develop into an embryo. I called him back in the room before I left and asked him, "What are our chances that it is still too early to see anything?" He was short and to the point, "None." So I will be having a D&C next Wednesday to remove everything from my uterus.
This will be miscarriage three for us in the 33 months since we started trying. This was the farthest I have ever gotten into a pregnancy, so to say the least, it feels extremely devastating at this point. It's overwhelming how many unanswered questions I feel have.
Kasey is out of town right now, and I almost decided to get the procedure done while he was gone, because then the dog wouldn't be here and it would be a quiet recovery time. But he requested I wait for him to get back so he can be here for me. Kasey has been my rock through everything so far. He has been so amazing and so patient and kind through all of this. He's taken care of me tremendously. He's off on his hunt and I know he absolutely needs this time as well. It's a week off from school. He's been so busy with going to school full time and working part time on the weekends and doing so much around the house and taking care of me. He really needs this vacation he is on and I am more than happy to wait for him, because he wants to be a part of everything that I go through. Because it's not just me, it's us. "In sickness and in health." This is a big loss for him too.
Immediately, since I feel overwhelmed with everything that bothers me when I am upset, I became worried about another procedure, when we are STILL paying off the last one I had. Not to mention we still haven't received the ER bill, and the ambulance bill for $1500 needs to be sent back to the insurance. But of course Kasey's calm words reach me. "We will make it work. We have always made it work. And we will continue to make it work. Don't worry about that."
But I AM asking for potential help next week just in case. I am unsure of what we need now. But if the possibility arises, we may need help with the dog. Kasey will be at school, unsure of his hours (and he just told me today, but I am forgetful) but it won't be too much during the day. However, on the weekend I may need some help with the dog while Kasey is at work or resting between shifts. Any volunteers would be wonderful in case we need to contact you. We have a hard time asking for help, but I am doing it now, because it's going to be a lot to take on next week. New year of school, his work, my work, procedure, and so on.
Thank you so much for those that have supported us on this. I hope everyone can understand that this is a better outlet for us, instead of contacting every single person, one by one and explaining the upsetting news over and over again. I feel like I have much more to say, but maybe it's best to leave it how it is now, and I can update you all on everything else later.
