As the title suggests, I've been reflective again lately. Mostly because 9/11 just passed. I got on Facebook a few times and "liked" things, but I didn't want to write anything. What I was feeling was so much more that the small amount of characters that are allowed in a status update. It just made me remember where I was at the time, and what was going on in my life.
Some of the details are a little fuzzy, but I was just starting 8th grade, and I was 13 years old. We lived in Texas at the time, so we were one time zone behind everything on the east coast. I can't remember if it was the first or second bell of the day to let us in the building, but I know one rang at 8:15 in the morning, just over ten minutes after the second plane flew into the towers. We of course didn't know anything at the time. We were getting ready to go in, focused on making it to class on time. I remember I was talking with my friend Ruby.
I don't remember much of the time I spent at school. I do remember a lot of people were absent the first period, and then throughout the course of the time I was at school, people were being called out of class, more and more. And then I was called out. My mother was picking me up. I'm not sure what time that was at, but it didn't seem like a big deal; I was just getting to leave school early. And then I got home and my sister was already there, and I was bummed that she got out earlier than me.
I sat down in front of the TV and everything that was happening was on. I remember them showing the plane fly into the tower over and over again. The first time it happened, I was on my knees in the middle of the living room floor watching, and I remember clasping my hand over my mouth in shock. What was happening?
We spent the whole day watching everything that was happening. I think everything stopped for us, and everything was on lock down. We had no idea how many planes there were, and I swear there were reports of some heading for the base? I know we were worried about what would happen since my dad was in the Air Force. I remember it being dark outside, and us still watching the footage, replaying the plane, replaying the falling towers, showing the devastation, people sifting through the rubble, people in the streets crying. I do remember being upset. I wasn't too young to not know exactly what was happening. I just didn't know to what extent. But I was upset, and I was scared. I was so sad, because those were huge buildings. And it felt like we were so close to it, like it was right in our state, even though it was over 1,800 miles away.
Then we needed to focus again on our lives, and what was going on with us. We were moving, in less that 12 days time. There was so much change going on at once. I was worried that my dad would have to go back to war. And we were moving states.
Growing up is not easy at all. It makes me upset thinking about how mean people are. And how no matter where you go there will be bullies. I was bullied in Texas. And I was bullied here in Utah. There were a lot of times I wanted to quit school. When I graduated, I wanted to have a shirt that said "I survived School". It was a huge feat. And yet, you don't stop growing after you graduate.
Everyone can say it, and I will. I've been through a lot. And Kasey and I have been through a lot together. We've hit lows, we've struggled paycheck to paycheck, we've gone negative more than a handful of times. And those were times when they were things we needed like food and a home. I could go into details about everything that has happened to us, but I won't because I don't want to dwell on it all.
What happens to us shapes who we become, and how we choose to move forward. It's ever-changing. Sometimes I think I would like a little bit of good monotony, but I'm sure that it would get boring after a while.
I don't think I would be the person I am now if I weren't bullied. That can be a good and a bad statement. I have several problems like bad depression and anxiety problems. I have been on many medications. I have gone to therapy. But I think I am also a different person than when I was a teenager. I am still working on getting better, trust me. But the hardships have also taught me a lot. I still have bad days, and especially with being back in Utah and feeling like we were stuck in limbo.
I have to be honest, I definitely feel like my emotions got the better of me, and it was harder to contain them the longer I had to wait to get a job. I felt very dark and I don't know how Kasey put up with me.
But I finally feel like our next chapter has started and things look clearer. Instead of just looking at houses online, wishing that we could get one, we can actually look and be like "I can see myself living here," and make plans on home loans or a rental. We can start the move forward to fix the jeep, then trade it in, and get another vehicle for me. I can NOT wait to blast my music with the windows down. M83 came on this evening while I was driving and it just took me back to when I had my beetle and would just go for night drives to make myself happy, and I felt happy tonight. I have felt happy since I got a job offer. We can get insurance and I can go to the doctor so we can get the ball rolling on starting a family. We can make plans, and not have them be "wishful thinking", they can actually be plans that we set up and carry out.
There's one documentary on 9/11 that I feel like I need to watch. I don't know if it's a perspective thing, or maybe I'm just weird. I cry every time. I get goosebumps every time. And it makes me sad. But it makes me grateful to be alive, and have what I have. It's just called 9/11 and its by Jules and Gideon Naudet and James Hanlon. It aired on TV six months after the attack and I remember watching it. There was a warning before it saying that they will not be editing the language from it, it is real emotion, real life, real people, our heroes and their human emotions, such as fear, sadness, worry, and anger. I remembered they aired it a couple times afterward through the years. But then it stopped. And that one stayed with me. I don't know why. All of the documentaries were sad. But I just really needed to watch this one. These guys just happened to be there making a documentary on a probie firefighter and they caught the first plane flying into the tower, they were inside the North Tower when the South Tower fell, they were just a couple of blocks away when the last one fell. And I found it for sale at Walmart a year ago and I had to purchase it and watch it. I recommend that documentary above all others. It's not just looking at outside footage and pictures of the fallen, I feel like it is an even closer depth of the people that gave their lives. I don't know how to explain it.
There's another thing I recommend to watch, to put things in perspective for you, to motivate you. I watched it last night, and it definitely makes me want to focus on my hobby of writing a little more. It made me question myself, but instantly I wanted to move forward with it, and that is also a progress of mine compared to how I used to be before. It was J.K. Rowling's commencement speech for the 2008 Harvard class. It's just 20 minutes, but it's extremely powerful, and I think it would benefit a lot of people who watch it.
Wow, I'm definitely rambling. And I'm sure I forgot things I wanted to put in here. But that's not new haha I hope I haven't bored whoever is reading this.
