We're never told when we're younger and saying, "I can't wait to grow up," how much shit you would really have to go through. And all day I have had in my head "I don't ever never ever ever wanna grow up, yuck!" from Hook.
My birthday was a few days ago. My husband bought me a wonderful necklace and I love it so much. He knows me so well! I don't really feel much older. I've been feeling old for a while now. I've been in town almost four weeks and they have been extremely rough. I was pretty sick the first two weeks straight and I am still getting over a sinus infection, having bloody noses every morning. And my ulcers, oh how they are back with a vengeance. But I'm not nauseous as much any more which is actually wonderful.
We were at Shopko earlier and we were in the kids section, and it's just hard sometimes. I'm not saying I'm overly emotional all the time or when I see kids, but when I see things that I would like to buy for our children, it is upsetting. I love looking at Sebastian and I just can't wait to hold one of our own. As soon as Kasey gets back, we're getting a new doctor and we are going to be very aggressive about all of our options.
Being back has also made me feel pretty useless and like a bum. I have no job, I don't have a car, I'm living with my sister. I have been searching for a job so hard and whatever I have found, apparently I'm not qualified for, which to me is a serious joke. And like I said, I feel useless and like a loser because I've been here a month and nothing to show for it. The whole reason for sending me back was for me to have a job. I need a job that pays a good amount of money with security so I'm not worried about being let go, and something with benefits. But really anything to start me off is helpful as well. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a letdown. I'm still aggressively looking.
We got rid of Kasey's truck. We didn't get anything out of it, because the lump of junk decided to need a couple thousand dollar repairs, so there went that money that we were hoping for. We haven't done taxes yet, and I'm really not expecting a big amount of money that we really need. No job and no car means no money for a house when Kasey gets here, and on top of that, he will be starting school, so then neither of us will have a job. Can you see why the ulcers are back?
And on top of all of this, my mother went in for a biopsy on my birthday and we found out today that she has Stage 1 lung cancer. If treated aggressively, she should be able to beat it and it will be great.
It's just so much shit piling up at once and so much stress and it's really hard to handle everything without my best friend here. I am trying my best to be strong, but I feel so negative and the positive vibes are not really flowing out of me like they should to bring it all back in.
I'm going to just keep trying. We can't afford for me to give up. I'm just hoping that things start working out. We have so many plans in our future that I look forward to, we just need to be able to get to them.
