I need an attitude adjustment. Kasey told me this yesterday. And has said it more than once. And it's true. I'm tired of being tired and grumpy or mopey or depressed or sore. I could go on. I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was and it's no surprise to anyone that I can't stand Clarksville. I can't stand the people here. And I can't stand the doctor that I have.
Thankfully the doctor situation has changed! I tried so hard to get a new doctor and it's finally happened. My first appointment with him is on Thursday. I don't have high hopes since I feel extremely disappointed in my care here so far, so maybe I'll be surprised. I definitely will speak my mind and tell him exactly what I want.
I've been extremely over stressed and exhausted lately. It's making my body hurt really bad. Thankfully I haven't had a cold though. Normally this happens when I'm the least bit stressed out, but I think I'm way passed that and don't have time for it. Work has been insane. I am the Video Manager but there is nobody in my department and I can't keep being expected to do everything myself. By the time I get home, once I sit down, I can't get up for a while because I feel like my muscles give out on me and just stop working. This week has been especially bad. I'm trying my best to push through it.
I definitely feel like this stress is a factor in why we aren't getting pregnant still. Last cycle I swear I had an extremely light light light positive, but that didn't pan out. I worry that my progesterone is too low and it's making my uterus a hostile place to be haha It's so frustrating. I am hoping this doctor can help out with this. The other doctor was basically helping me get pregnant but wasn't helping me sustain the pregnancy. It's a lot of stress, heartbreak, and waisted energy.
But we're trying to move forward. No point on dwelling on the past, because it's not gonna make anything better.
We're starting to plan moving back to Utah. We haven't got anything down, it's just more of discussions first. The main thing that keeps coming up is sending me home a little early to try and find a job and set things up for when Kasey can move back. No matter what, I want to make that trip back with Kasey, so if I need to fly back here then I will. I'm not sure where the money for that will come from though. Or to send me back to Utah in the first place. We're trying to save as much as we can for everything coming up including Christmas and it's hard.
I just think about coming home without Kasey and it's hard. I know it sounds weak and I have been without him a LOT longer than a few months, but since he's here, I feel it pointless to be away. Call me crazy, weak, I don't care. It's hard to be away from your soul mate for any amount of time. It causes my chest to tighten thinking about.
I realize I have come extremely co-dependent, and I need to work on that. I also want to start working out. I just need the motivation to do it. But when my body is aching it makes me not want to move and to try and nap instead haha I'm hoping there will be a good job I can apply for and get some time in so I have time off to fly back here for a day or so to make that final trip home together.
I'm just feeling crazy lately and on edge and all over the place. I only hear from a few people and I have no friends here. I know I'm not a big drinker at all, especially now while trying to conceive and it's rather uncomfortable with ulcers, but I can have fun without drinking. I get frustrated and, as my sister would say, "emo" when I think that I surprisingly can't wait to move back to Utah, because it's just going to be the same there as it is here. But at least I'll be closer to family. At least I hear from them.
Blah, now I'm being whiny. I don't know. I just guess it's nice to get my feelings out. I might as well drive you all crazy since I've already made Kasey nuts with my antics. I'm so thankful for him every day.
The dog makes me crazy, and the cat is a little goofball. She tried to get in the bath with us last night and was trying to eat the bubbles. Kasey and I can't wait to get back and start looking at houses. It's exciting to think about. I think I just need to focus on all the good that I have and all the good that's to come. It will get better. Hopefully!
