It's been a while since I've written. I was actually contemplating not writing anymore. After my last blog I had a falling out with a "friend". She said that what I wrote was inappropriate and called me a liar basically about my experience. I have said from the beginning that I don't want to offend anyone, but when I am talking about an experience that I have had and I am keeping family members back home in the loop of what's going on, then I am going to. This is my blog and you don't have to read it.
Needless to say, it made me really hate living here even more for a while. She lives across the street. I could have been a push over and just been like, "oh I'm sorry" and begged her to be my friend and everything like I used to be, but I don't have time for that. I don't have time for people like that. I had to deal with it before, trying to please people and push my feelings and thoughts down inside to where I didn't have an opinion and I am just not that person anymore. I need friends to support me through the things I am going through. Not to doubt me, call me a liar, and act like a child. And I'm not trying to be mean or seem bitchy. I think it's just a valid opinion that I have. If you're not going to treat me with respect and help me when I have supported you, then don't expect to be a part of my journey anymore.
Trying to conceive has been hard. I have been remaining as positive as I can, but I am not going to lie, it is really hard and depressing. Especially when taking the tests and they keep turning up negative. I think today is kind of a down day. But that might also have to do with how exhausted I am from work. But I just feel like it's not going to happen and I have contemplated taking a break. But every time I think that, I change my mind right away. I don't want to be a quitter. We really want this. And since it's almost been a year of trying, who knows how much longer it will be? If we stop now, what if we have to start all over again and it takes even longer? There's no way we're giving up.
I will start another round of clomid tomorrow. I will be at 150mg and take that for 5 days. I plan on getting a new doctor, so I am thinking I'll call and see when I can be seen so when it gets to be around cycle day 23 or so I can still get my blood drawn to count my levels. we will get there eventually, but when I'm feeling a little down, it really seems like the endgame is very far off in the distance and it's hard to imagine not being able to give Kasey a baby. All you're love and support is greatly appreciated.
And let me be clear again, I am absolutely SO excited for all of my pregnant friends and family members. I'm super jealous, but I am so happy and excited for each and every one of you and I LOVE to hear all about it and what's going on because I am so looking forward to our turn.
Work has been so frustrating and I have been extremely busy. But I am basically the video manager now once the paperwork goes through! This is good news.
The pets are a huge pain in the butt but I love them. Chester is still growing and he's still lurpy. He's got probably at least another 30 pounds to grow too. Yzzy is SO spunky and weird. It makes me miss Nibs a lot. She is a completely different cat though. She's super crazy. She loves Kasey. She's laying on him now. They both have severe separation anxiety.
Kasey is good. It's looking like he probably won't deploy now and I am ecstatic. I have been feeling very reflective the last few days. I know I always spout of all the ooey gooey lovey dovey mushy crap, but hey, it's my blog remember? He has been extremely supportive and has kept me afloat. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like he doesn't understand and I get snippy, but he still loves me....I think ;)
I could always ramble more, but we finally are both off at a decent time and I just want some snuggles!
